Should I try to reach out to my ex one last time ?

[saturn1402]

So… as everyone knows I ended up here because of my relationship with my ex.
We were happy but also super toxic to each other (mostly me). Despite everything I know he is a great person and I also understood all my mistakes.

He broke up with me 5 months ago kicking out of his place by calling the police (I was suicidal and he didn't want to be with me anymore and didn't want me to live in his flat anymore). I begged him for weeks after the break up but he blocked me everywhere.

5 months passed and I can't live without him. He never reached out to me. And I am planning to CTB soonish but I was hoping to make one last attempt to reconnect with him.

is it a pathetic thing to do? Is it better if I just CTB and leave him alone forever ?

 

[Kyotospade]

If he wants nothing to do with you then it's time to find a way to move on. Whether that's with ctb or with finding someone else do what you believe is right for you .
He obviously wasn't right for you if he was kicking you out for being suicidal so go find yourself someone better.

 

[Richard Langford]

You're CTB because of someone who almost certainly doesn't care for you in the slightest and still won't after you ctb? Sensible that.

 

[saturn1402]

You're CTB because of someone who almost certainly doesn't care for you in the slightest and still won't after you ctb? Sensible that.

I womt do it for him to care about me I want to do it because the pain of living without him is unbearable and I feel like it was all my fault

 

[Richard Langford]

I womt do it for him to care about me I want to do it because the pain of living without him is unbearable and I feel like it was all my fault

It won't make him want you back. It certainly won't make him care retrospectively about you. He'll just think "wow, that was a lucky escape". Once more, HE DOESN'T CARE.

 

[coffeebeany]

So… as everyone knows I ended up here because of my relationship with my ex.
We were happy but also super toxic to each other (mostly me). Despite everything I know he is a great person and I also understood all my mistakes.

He broke up with me 5 months ago kicking out of his place by calling the police (I was suicidal and he didn't want to be with me anymore and didn't want me to live in his flat anymore). I begged him for weeks after the break up but he blocked me everywhere.

5 months passed and I can't live without him. He never reached out to me. And I am planning to CTB soonish but I was hoping to make one last attempt to reconnect with him.

is it a pathetic thing to do? Is it better if I just CTB and leave him alone forever ?

I totally get that you are hurting and that it has been hard for you. But he clearly set a boundary and it is time to accept that. Sometimes we have to accept that people don't want to have a relationship with us - be it romantic or platonic.

 

[saturn1402]

It won't make him want you back. It certainly won't nake him care retrospectively about you. He'll just think "wow, that was a lucky escape" if you ctb.

I never said I want him to care retrospectively . Read my reply. I said I can't live without him. Whatever he will do or think once I am gone it won't matter. My only question was if to try to reach out before (without telling him I am planning to CTB). Also please be kind. Your harsh words are the last thing I need right now

 

[Richard Langford]

Once more, HE DOESN'T CARE. Ctb about someone who patently doesn't care about you in the slightest is stupid. Find someone who does.

 

[saturn1402]

Once more, HE DOESN'T CARE. Ctb about someone who patently doesn't care about you in the slightest is stupid. Find someone who does.

Let me tell you one more time: I KNOW!!!! I just can't live with this pain! Period .

 

[coffeebeany]

You messed up a relationship. Everyone has.

There's almost certainly completely no chance of rekindling it. He won't care if you ctb. You're what people call in the UK "thick" - dull or slow of mind : stupid.

This forum is no place to be rude or cruel. So save it. You have been posting questions over the past weeks and people tried to be supportive or helpful. Maybe you want to be respectful or helpful as well. OP asked you to stop and be kind because they are clearly struggling. There is no need to insult someone. If you can't have empathy then maybe just stop engaging.

 

[Richard Langford]

This forum is no place to be rude or cruel. So save it. You have been posting questions over the past weeks and people tried to be supportive or helpful. Maybe you want to be respectful or helpful as well. OP asked you to stop and be kind because they are clearly struggling. There is no need to insult someone. If you can't have empathy then maybe just stop engaging.

I'm being pragmatic (cruel to be kind if you prefer). Often someone needs a good shake (or equivalent) to realise they're being stupid. This is an example of such and to be fair others have said the same in so many words. Wallowing in self-pity won't improve their situation or do you think it will? However I'll post no further here.

 

[heisenberg]

i'm sorry for the harsh replies you've gotten in this thread op. i personally don't recommend reaching out to him. i can understand how you feel though, i'm still heavily attached to my ex bf. i actually got diagnosed with bpd after we broke up and he was my first favorite person. our relationship was like the one you described, toxic. i know it's hard but i promise you that reaching out won't do any good. my ex and i broke up three years ago, and ill be the first to admit that he tried to reconnect with me on multiple occasions and i did respond to him. the most recent was in the summer of last year. each time ended up the same - he still proved that he doesn't actually care about me and was just reaching out to fill some void he has. it's not pathetic that you feel the urge to reach out to him, but i can promise it wont end up the way you want it to. i think your best option is to have a peaceful ctb without reaching out to him, as certainly he wont live up to your expectations for reaching out to him. he's toxic to you , and there is no amending what he did to you.

 

[Yume Nikki]

Please don't contact him, I'm going to be a bit blunt here but if he blocked you on everything and kicked you out of his flat, he probably isn't going to answer your calls/texts, especially if he hasn't reached out in 3 months.

Reading your post made me feel like I could've written it. He removed me from his Discord server and blocked my Tiktok. I tried calling him before we separated and he didn't pick up and made excuses to avoid me all the time. It felt like a stab in my chest. He was my best friend and my biggest form of emotional support. Then he just decided to stop loving me on a random Friday and my life sorta fell apart from there. I am so sorry this has happened to you, people can change at any time without a red flag hovering over their head. You are not stupid or dumb, you were blinded by love like the rest of us had been before, it's normal to still feel attached to someone who once cared about us. Our brains change when we enter a relationship and go through withdrawals after it ends.

In my opinion, I don't think this man is worth your life and I hope you don't ctb over him. The pain you're feeling right now will eventually get easier with time, it's my 3rd month after the breakup and I've been mostly distracting myself with puzzle games like Battleships and Chess. Maybe you can try to play something that requires alot of deep thinking or concentration to refocus your energy on learning instead of him? Perhaps you can also play an online game with a friend? It may not be the best medicine but it takes around 2 months to form a habit, and once that habit is established, you'll look back and realize that there is more to life than an ex. Hugs go out to you.

 

[OminousDarkness]

So… as everyone knows I ended up here because of my relationship with my ex.
We were happy but also super toxic to each other (mostly me). Despite everything I know he is a great person and I also understood all my mistakes.

He broke up with me 5 months ago kicking out of his place by calling the police (I was suicidal and he didn't want to be with me anymore and didn't want me to live in his flat anymore). I begged him for weeks after the break up but he blocked me everywhere.

5 months passed and I can't live without him. He never reached out to me. And I am planning to CTB soonish but I was hoping to make one last attempt to reconnect with him.

is it a pathetic thing to do? Is it better if I just CTB and leave him alone forever ?

You can find a new bf, don't worry about it

 

[saturn1402]

Please don't contact him, I'm going to be a bit blunt here but if he blocked you on everything and kicked you out of his flat, he probably isn't going to answer your calls/texts, especially if he hasn't reached out in 3 months.

Reading your post made me feel like I could've written it. He removed me from his Discord server and blocked my Tiktok. I tried calling him before we separated and he didn't pick up and made excuses to avoid me all the time. It felt like a stab in my chest. He was my best friend and my biggest form of emotional support. Then he just decided to stop loving me on a random Friday and my life sorta fell apart from there. I am so sorry this has happened to you, people can change at any time without a red flag hovering over their head. You are not stupid or dumb, you were blinded by love like the rest of us had been before, it's normal to still feel attached to someone who once cared about us. Our brains change when we enter a relationship and go through withdrawals after it ends.

In my opinion, I don't think this man is worth your life and I hope you don't ctb over him. The pain you're feeling right now will eventually get easier with time, it's my 3rd month after the breakup and I've been mostly distracting myself with puzzle games like Battleships and Chess. Maybe you can try to play something that requires alot of deep thinking or concentration to refocus your energy on learning instead of him? Perhaps you can also play an online game with a friend? It may not be the best medicine but it takes around 2 months to form a habit, and once that habit is established, you'll look back and realize that there is more to life than an ex. Hugs go out to you.

Thank you so much for your kind words They mean so much.

The reason why I am so desperate to reach out is because I can't stop thinking WHAT IF I ctb and he was just a day away from reaching out to me or if he was already in the process of reconsidering our relationship again. What if he was feeling guilty and was about to write me but was trying to find the words.

I am so pathetic, so weak (these were his last words btw… they are so stuck in my head).

Regarding doing something: I moved to another country, I made new friends, I focus a lot on my job which I like, I volunteer 3 times a week, I started going to church, I take medications…. And yet I am as desperate as 5 months ago. And yet I miss everything about him every single moment of my day. Everything reminds me of him. When I force myself to not think about him , I dream about him. It's like a never ending agony.

 

[OminousDarkness]

Once more, HE DOESN'T CARE. Ctb about someone who patently doesn't care about you in the slightest is stupid. Find someone who does.

Dude don't be rude to her. She's done nothing wrong.

 

[saturn1402]

You can find a new bf, don't worry about it

It's not about finding a bf because funnily enough I know I am considered very beautiful (although I don't cause I am suffering from body dysmorphia). The problem is that I can't even see another guy. I am 30 years old so not really a teenager and yet he is the only man I ever loved.

 

[Yume Nikki]

Thank you so much for your kind words They mean so much.

The reason why I am so desperate to reach out is because I can't stop thinking WHAT IF I ctb and he was just a day away from reaching out to me or if he was already in the process of reconsidering our relationship again. What if he was feeling guilty and was about to write me but was trying to find the words.

I am so pathetic, so weak (these were his last words btw… they are so stuck in my head).

Regarding doing something: I moved to another country, I made new friends, I focus a lot on my job which I like, I volunteer 3 times a week, I started going to church, I take medications…. And yet I am as desperate as 5 months ago. And yet I miss everything about him every single moment of my day. Everything reminds me of him. When I force myself to not think about him , I dream about him. It's like a never ending agony.

You're in the bargaining stage of grief, you're holding onto a sense of hope that maybe he'll come back one day and try to restore the relationship. I was going through the same thing the first few days after he stopped talking to me. I kept thinking that perhaps he might reach out again to fix things and we'd be together again, but it never happened.

It sounds difficult, but you have to kill that last sense of hope you once had for him. It's keeping you trapped, because in doing so, you'll end up thinking about what could've been instead of what is happening right now. I'm still struggling to let go of the dreams and plans we were supposed to make together, and while it hurts, there's nothing we can do other than slowly letting the memories fade. Also, I'm not sure if you still have his socials, but I recommend checking on him less over time and maybe even blocking as soon as you start to feel better. It'll train your brain to focus on something else.

 

[Valhala]

It's just amazing how people are unable to understand some simple things. You can't live without someone and that's completely understandable if you've experienced real love, people don't understand that real love doesn't have to mean reciprocity or reciprocation and that feelings work according to to some principle that is incomprehensible to us. all those patterns determined by the mind, something that is far more valuable than anything, even life itself. As for your specific question, whether you should try again, I don't know what I would advise you to do. Maybe you should try everything first and only when it is definitely determined that it is impossible to go to CTB again together because CTB is a serious thing and before it you should still try all alternatives, that way you will be calmer if you decide to leave for love. After all, you have nothing to lose, so why not would tried again though for once, give yourself and him a little more time. I wish you the best of luck and that you reconcile with your ex again or, if you are going to CTB, a peaceful departure.

 

[ShatteredSerenity]

The reason why I am so desperate to reach out is because I can't stop thinking WHAT IF I ctb and he was just a day away from reaching out to me or if he was already in the process of reconsidering our relationship again. What if he was feeling guilty and was about to write me but was trying to find the words.

I am so pathetic, so weak (these were his last words btw… they are so stuck in my head).

Regarding doing something: I moved to another country, I made new friends, I focus a lot on my job which I like, I volunteer 3 times a week, I started going to church, I take medications…. And yet I am as desperate as 5 months ago. And yet I miss everything about him every single moment of my day. Everything reminds me of him. When I force myself to not think about him , I dream about him. It's like a never ending agony.

I get why you feel so strongly, I'm going through something similar myself because my wife left me by surprise after 20 years together. The sadness and despair are crushing, and I don't even know why exactly she decided to do it. My brain feels like it's full of landmines, because almost any thought or memory can trigger memories of life with her, and it makes me feel so sad it's like a knife stabbing me in the gut.

The problems with hoping to get back together are that a) it's unrealistic, and b) even if a miracle happened and you restarted the relationship, the two of you of haven't been working on the problems with the relationship all this time so it would be doomed to fail again. I've had to come to terms with the fact that despite all the love and caring my wife gave me for so many years, there was always a cold and negative side lurking beneath the surface and it eventually killed our relationship. All relationships will encounter some friction like that, so the only way relationships can work long term is if both parties practice flexibility, open communication, and commitment to working through issues. Unfortunately it's out of our control if our partner is up to that degree of work and commitment.

I don't have advice about how to move on, unfortunately. My emotions are just as raw as ever almost a year since the separation.

 

[futurecorpse]

So… as everyone knows I ended up here because of my relationship with my ex.
We were happy but also super toxic to each other (mostly me). Despite everything I know he is a great person and I also understood all my mistakes.

He broke up with me 5 months ago kicking out of his place by calling the police (I was suicidal and he didn't want to be with me anymore and didn't want me to live in his flat anymore). I begged him for weeks after the break up but he blocked me everywhere.

5 months passed and I can't live without him. He never reached out to me. And I am planning to CTB soonish but I was hoping to make one last attempt to reconnect with him.

is it a pathetic thing to do? Is it better if I just CTB and leave him alone forever ?

Some of these replies are not passing the vibe check...

I have bpd and have been obsessing over the same guy for almost 2 years. He reached out to me on Sunday night to ask if I wanted to come over to his place for ~you know what~. It's nice to know he only sees me as a booty call /s.

I have to agree with those who suggested not reaching out to him. It's a tough pill to swallow, but I think it's necessary to hear. Him blocking you on everything is his boundary and to me that says that he's done. If he wanted to reach out to you, he would. My favorite person (the guy I'm infatuated with) reached out to me for sex EIGHT months after him and I stopped talking. Although he didn't block me, he wouldn't respond to my texts. I thought about him every day but restrained myself from doing any more damage. It's best to let sleeping dogs lie and not add unnecessary pain to the heartache you're already feeling

You are NOT pathetic and I wouldn't say it's a pathetic thing to do, because in all honesty I would think about doing the same thing and have been thinking about texting him one last time to confess my feelings before I ctb. I would however say it's not a wise decision for either of us. Try your very best to move on from your feelings from him. Easier said than done, I know. But you deserve to have some peace of mind when you decide to ctb. It's great you're engaging in activities. Are there people in your life that genuinely love you and care about you ? Maybe spending time with them can help c: Love is indeed blinding and grief can really fuck with your mind if it's not processed appropriately. A man is not worth all the stress and unpleasant feelings he's causing you (and me). Keep doing you and focus on the people who actually support you

*You can take what I said with a grain of salt lulz

 

[003]

Hey, I've been in a similar position as you recently. Please let them go, if they don't want anything to do with you, you can't force them, no matter how much you want them to care. You're not pathetic but keep your dignity intact before you go. I tried contacting my ex on multiple numbers after being blocked and it's not worth it.

 

[unworthy_]

My ex broke up with me as well. It wasnt his fault but mainly mine. I sabotaged a supposingly good relationship. I am nearing 40y. Asian. To me, relationship, marriage, having kids at this age is no longer possible. I am old. I dont have the will to date anymore. If its not him then I am done. You may call me childush or immature because of my age but it is what it is.

I cried so much over the break up. He blocked me on whatsapp but not reddit and facebook. I still sent him messages on reddit and gift recently. Yesterday I saw him posted for the first time on Reddit after our break up. He was asking anyone to join him for a movie and making friends. I was devastated and very heart broken. I cried all day on my bed and wrote him a heartfelt letter to salvage the relationship. He did not get back to me. It has only been less than 2 months. I am still missing him and trying to fight and salvage the relationship but he is already planning to move on.

Even if we didn't get back together, my life is mundane and stagnant. I am still working at a low pay job, still living at my hometown, no savings. Everything is bleak. I am trying to live my life but I see no purpose. I am no longer enjoying the things I used to do. I hope I have someone whom I could love, hold on to, care for the rest of my life. I don't have a proper relationship before. But this time, the attraction is mutual and I felt different. But it is all lost now..

I am living because I have a loving family. We are staying together (norm for asian) with pets. One of my pet has cancer and I have been taking her since. I wish I have her illness because she doesn't deserve that.

On killing myself. It has always been at the back of head for many years. I always feel that I won't live past 40y and maybe this is really is after all. I have to take care of my dog because no one would. I will revisit this again when my dog is gone.

OP, how old are you ? I don't have advise for you because I understand how painful it is to lose someone we love. Im in the same boat. I am not sure if we could move on. But it is okay. We fight one day at a time.

 

[Kibby]

I womt do it for him to care about me I want to do it because the pain of living without him is unbearable and I feel like it was all my fault

i relate sm its js over

 

[Yellow_Water620]

I believe the best kind of love you can have for someone is one where you do not "need" them or necessarily "can't live without" them. Instead, every moment of every second of every day that you are around them, you choose. You actively choose to be around them. That is far more romantic. It's love with detachment—separate beings, not forced to be in each other's presence but choosing to be.

Humans have no inherent purpose. We ascribe our own meaning—that's what divides us from animals.

There is a danger in over-identifying with other people because your life crumbles once they leave. And you cannot control another person. Tying your happiness to something outside yourself means losing your identity. The answer to this is to ascribe your own moral. You must be independently whole before being with others; otherwise, you risk using that individual for happiness or living vicariously through them.

Imagine how much stronger you would be as a self-sufficient person, going out into the world, seeing people just as self-sufficient as you, with qualities you find attractive—such as courage. And you choose to be with them. Not because you need to, but because you want to. And together, you move forward toward something great.

True happiness cannot be taken away and can only be found within yourself.

We must be our own before we can be another's

 

[saturn1402]

I believe the best kind of love you can have for someone is one where you do not "need" them or necessarily "can't live without" them. Instead, every moment of every second of every day that you are around them, you choose. You actively choose to be around them. That is far more romantic. It's love with detachment—separate beings, not forced to be in each other's presence but choosing to be.

Humans have no inherent purpose. We ascribe our own meaning—that's what divides us from animals.

There is a danger in over-identifying with other people because your life crumbles once they leave. And you cannot control another person. Tying your happiness to something outside yourself means losing your identity. The answer to this is to ascribe your own moral. You must be independently whole before being with others; otherwise, you risk using that individual for happiness or living vicariously through them.

Imagine how much stronger you would be as a self-sufficient person, going out into the world, seeing people just as self-sufficient as you, with qualities you find attractive—such as courage. And you choose to be with them. Not because you need to, but because you want to. And together, you move forward toward something great.

True happiness cannot be taken away and can only be found within yourself.

We must be our own before we can be another's

Thank you so much but I wasn't asking for a psychological explanation on how I should behave and how I shouldn't. I know what is wrong with me, I am in therapy. Yet it doesn't help to hear the things you wrote. Because I love that person and nothing will make me stop wanting a life with him. And yes I would rather die than live with this pain every day. I don't expect you to understand it cause I didn't understand it either until it happened to me.

 

[Yellow_Water620]

I hear you. I didn't mean to tell you how to act or analyze you. You've been through enough, and I know my words won't make the pain disappear.

I won't pretend to understand exactly what you're going through, but I know that when pain is this deep, it feels like like there's no future beyond him where this doesn't hurt. And I know you don't want to hear that it will pass because right now, it doesn't feel like it ever could. I didn't say whether you should call him as it pertained to your original post because the other comments pretty much summed up my thoughts better than I could. I just wanted to add my two cents. But if you do call, what are you hoping for? If he doesn't answer, or if he does and it doesn't go the way you want, will that help? I don't think it will. I think it might hurt even more, and I don't want that for you.

I know you love him. Nothing I say will change that. But right now, this isn't about him. It's about you.

That's all.

 

[saturn1402]

I hear you. I didn't mean to tell you how to act or analyze you. You've been through enough, and I know my words won't make the pain disappear.

I won't pretend to understand exactly what you're going through, but I know that when pain is this deep, it feels like like there's no future beyond him where this doesn't hurt. And I know you don't want to hear that it will pass because right now, it doesn't feel like it ever could. I didn't say whether you should call him as it pertained to your original post because the other comments pretty much summed up my thoughts better than I could. I just wanted to add my two cents. But if you do call, what are you hoping for? If he doesn't answer, or if he does and it doesn't go the way you want, will that help? I don't think it will. I think it might hurt even more, and I don't want that for you.

I know you love him. Nothing I say will change that. But right now, this isn't about him. It's about you.

That's all.

Sorry I didn't mean to be rude or anything. Some People were rather harsh so I might have been a bit defensive with you, sorry.

The thing is I realise I have BDP A bit too late and I have a huge sense of guilt for ruining everything without realising it. I never realised how traumatised and hurt I was. He made huge mistakes with me but at the same time I wish I was kinder and more understanding with him. I pushed him to be so cruel with me and I can't forgive myself. In 30 years I never loved someone like that, I never even knew this kind of love existed. He was the sweetest and loveliest person ever (again, I am totally aware he did cruel things to me. But I wish I had the strength to forgive back then).

I was hoping that if I reached out he would maybe tell me he is considering to return with me and make it work. I have these very emotional moments where I just have some hope… then i remember that I have to respect his boundaries and I am glad there are people in this forum helping me to see what is right to do in this situation.

Also I know it would only hurt him if I try to reach out. Before he called the police on me he even told me to not leave him any suicide letters if I will ctb cause he is not interested to hear from me even in that occasion.