Mojo's mama
Member
- Aug 6, 2024
- 16
I'm sorry if I'm wasting space/people's time on here. I guess this is a rant/vent/story. I'm just... lost. I'm in my 40s. I'm not married but been in a relationship with my boyfriend for 9 years. No kids. I still live with my mother because I accumulated so much debt when I was younger, I can't afford a place on my own (and the bf doesn't live/work in my city and he is back home, too). I've struggled with my mental health for decades. I was a shy/socially anxious child. I know my parents did their best to raise me, but damage was done by them (emotionally and unintentionally). I had my "first attempt" when I was 14. (I knew nothing about meds at the time so the attempt is laughable now. But the intent was there). I lived in a super small town, wasn't popular and hated myself/anxious about high school. Got therapy and was on a brighter path... until my dad died when I was 15 (almost 16) I didn't have a great relationship with my mom. I held on with the support of my friends until before college... when my mom moved my brother and I to a new city where we had no friends. With the help of my cousin, I was able to start a life in this city while attending school in another city. But then things turned for the worse... got a boyfriend who made me feel like I was something for once... only to cheat on me & imply that I was getting fat. That, on top of meeting a new, manipulative @hole... I developed an eating disorder that has almost killed me several times and I still endure 22 years later. I made 3 more attempts in June of 2002 (all in one week). I got admitted to the psych ward 2 of the times... but got out within 6-12 hours. Started dabbling with illicit substances shortly after. But I really liked it. Wasn't an addict but did it pretty much every weekend. Had relationships/engagements throughout the next 2 years... and then moved again. Self harm entered the picture and health really deteriorated due to the eating disorder. But I wasn't thinking about CTB really back then. Ended up going to an inpatient program for the ED. Saved my life. But the "catty"ness of the other girls made me leave prematurely...
Ended up having 2 more serious bouts of trying CBT (ended up in the psych hospital again for 3 days). My ED has basically been the focus of my mental health issues since then (with more inpatient/day patient programs) I'm at a stable weight now, but still sick.
The last 2 years have been probably the worst for me. Problems with the BF, still living at home, in debt, working 2 jobs (and stopped enjoying both), had the only friend who really understood me CTB, had to put my cat of 19 years down.... and developed a daily addiction to illicit drugs/alcohol. And I don't know what to do. I have most of my affairs in order, my letters written... no method picked or date yet. I told my BF in April I had planned to CTB in May... and he freaked out. Threatening to call my doctor, tell my family... so I said I'd postpone. But nothing has gotten better; just worse. My family doctor is exasperated by me, there's a lack of psychiatrists (and the last one said meds won't help me. I've already tried most of them). I don't see any point in going on for myself. I hold on for everyone else... but it's no way to live. Sooner or later, I'll probably get fired from my jobs for my addiction and go broke. I feel lonely all the time... and when I try to talk to my friends/family... they don't get it. Or they avoid me because of my thoughts.
*sigh*....
Not sure there's hope for me at this point.
Thanks for taking the time to read
Ended up having 2 more serious bouts of trying CBT (ended up in the psych hospital again for 3 days). My ED has basically been the focus of my mental health issues since then (with more inpatient/day patient programs) I'm at a stable weight now, but still sick.
The last 2 years have been probably the worst for me. Problems with the BF, still living at home, in debt, working 2 jobs (and stopped enjoying both), had the only friend who really understood me CTB, had to put my cat of 19 years down.... and developed a daily addiction to illicit drugs/alcohol. And I don't know what to do. I have most of my affairs in order, my letters written... no method picked or date yet. I told my BF in April I had planned to CTB in May... and he freaked out. Threatening to call my doctor, tell my family... so I said I'd postpone. But nothing has gotten better; just worse. My family doctor is exasperated by me, there's a lack of psychiatrists (and the last one said meds won't help me. I've already tried most of them). I don't see any point in going on for myself. I hold on for everyone else... but it's no way to live. Sooner or later, I'll probably get fired from my jobs for my addiction and go broke. I feel lonely all the time... and when I try to talk to my friends/family... they don't get it. Or they avoid me because of my thoughts.
*sigh*....
Not sure there's hope for me at this point.
Thanks for taking the time to read
you didn't do anything wrong
