Personally I would say that if you're seriously planning on CTBing not long after telling them that, it's best to not do so at all. No point in building hope only to permanently tear it down again.
Yeah, those were my thoughts too unfortunately.
Could go many ways, if you do decide to re-establish contact with them. May find a reason to live. Far-fetched, but very much possible. Depends on why you ceased contact with them in the firstplace, though.
the main incontrovertible reason I have to ctb is internal physical health issues causing unbearable suffering, no kind of relationship with anyone would make living like this worth it.
It doesn't matter how long you haven't spoken to someone that cares about you, or you care about them, it'll still be devastating for them when you end your life.
It's up to you if you want to reconnect with your brothers.
Why would they hate you unless you did something really unforgivable? Hate is a strong word. Some of my family members have done some really fucked up shit to me, but I don't hate them, I still love them, and wouldn't wish them any harm.
It'll be devastating, but less devastating if you havent spoken to them in years. It's different when the person who died is someone you spoke to semi daily.
It's up to me, but I want to make sure I'm making the right decision. I would like to cause as least emotional damage on my way out.
They probably don't hate me but have a very low opinion of me and are very angry with me, for a lot of things that aren't my fault, and some that are. It's hard to paint a complete picture, it's a long story. They're mainly upset about the not talking in and of itself but if we were to start talking again I know they'd want apologies I can't give, and so itd be a limited relationship at best. I'm not sure that's worth the terror I'd inflict on them by having them wake up to a message I'm gone after only under a year or so of having started talking again.
Plenty of families are dysfunctional, and they don't speak for years, but this doesn't mean it makes a loved ones passing any easier. Especially suicide. And harder when you haven't spoken for years, because they didn't get to say goodbye, or try to help, so they will always carry that pain.
It seems you do want to reconnect, or you wouldn't be asking the question. Reaching out is the first, and hardest step, but you never know what's around the corner so it's always worth a try, right?
I hope it all goes well for you. Best of luck
I know whatever happens that this will wreak devastation onto their lives, it's my biggest regret, but that can't be avoided because I cant do it anymore. I don't know if it's harder my way not talking to them or not, like I said in my OP an argument could be made that it's easier this way, seeing as they know I'm horribly depressed and havent had me in their lives for years, this would allow a clean break where they wouldnt have to process the shock of me just suddenly not being there anymore, because I'd have already been gone for two years. Like I said above, theres nothing either of them could do to save me and I'd tell them that in the letters I'd leave each of them, unless I decide to not leave a note because it does kind of defeat the purpose.
All that being said, I'd ofc like to have a relationship with them before I die because I'm incredibly lonely and I miss them. But that's more selfish than anything
