Help Should i give my loved ones a final goodbye before ctb ?

[Have_a_nice_Life]

Okay guys, the pain has become unbearable each second i spend on earth is a living hell. I've got all the ressources, I've planned this for a while and i'm ready to take the step. Well i don't think anyone can truly be ready to go but at least what i mean is that the pain is too great for me to go on.

The thought of suicide brings me relief even if it sometimes pains me. But what pains me the most is the pain it'll inflict on my loved ones.
The one I care about know i've been dealing with depression for years now and know i've been suicidal for all that duration too. But they're still hopeful for me and it pains me so much, they want me to live and i just want them to be happy. So here's the deal, I've strongly been suggested by multiple therapists plenty of times to get into a psy-ward. Should i go ? Not for me as I know it's useless and the thought of likely being shut in for weeks or even days seems horrible to me as i do not wish for the suffering to go on any longer. But i get into the psy-ward maybe i could do my final goodbyes in person without this person feeling obliged to put me in the said psy-ward. All options would have been explored and they would understand that they can't do anything more . I could tell them that i'm truly sorry and that they've done everything they could in person and not in a letter.
To clarify, i'm single and do not have any kids the people i'm talking about are my parents and my friends / ex-lover.
I just want them to be happy.

 

[Soontobegoner]

Suffering from same issue myself. It is sad that the kindness they show... Specifically my mother... Soft words always... Caring tone... No complaints.... But i feel nothing but a weight on them. Not to mention my own constant sadness... Lately a cowardice have crept in or feels like I am getting used to staying in this miserable condition. I literally have no answer... Just that I understand you dilemma.

 

[rozeske]

I understand the frustration and it's not an easy place to be in. In my opinion you don't owe anyone anything about your life. Exhausting every possibility should be for your benefit. Don't do it just for the sake of others as it won't bring any benefit to you. You would only just be going through the motions and counting the days until it's over if you don't believe in it. I believe in doing everything you can and exhausting every possible way before coming to this decision. But only because you owe it to yourself and nobody else. You only get one shot at this so do it all for yourself and not just for the sake of others. Your life is yours to live or leave. Sorry about all this rant, my life may have led me to be selfish.

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

Suffering from same issue myself. It is sad that the kindness they show... Specifically my mother... Soft words always... Caring tone... No complaints.... But i feel nothing but a weight on them. Not to mention my own constant sadness... Lately a cowardice have crept in or feels like I am getting used to staying in this miserable condition. I literally have no answer... Just that I understand you dilemma.

There is no shame in not wanting to die. It's normal, it's HUMAN, no one wants to die my friend, we only want the suffering to come to an end.
Suicide comes when the pain outweights the solutions.
Do not feel shame as the pain you're going trough makes you more worthy of living than most people on earth.
I do not want to die either, i'm just in too much pain and remember, GUILT is inherently part of depression, sneaky insidious disease that it is.

When it comes to our loved ones, i don't know how to feel about my parents to be honest. They are the ones who are prepared more than anyone. The ones i'm more worried about is the friends who stood by my side until the very end. Two of them, one who i met few years ago and the other one who is my ex-lover. They're INNOCENT, they do not deserve this grief, they shouldn't be victims of such pain. I truly wish they never loved me so they could have lived in peace. That i never had initiated contact with them ONLY TO BREAK THEIR HEART by dying.
I love them, but i won't be here to help them and look out for them once i'll be gone, i want to ensure that they'll be safe, that they won't be "too" affected by my depart. If only i could entrust someone to take care of them for me. To make them happy and never give up on them as they didn't give up on me.

What a strange world we live in, brought only to suffer and ruminate. We do not deserve such fate, but unfortunatly merit does not prevail over chaos.

I understand the frustration and it's not an easy place to be in. In my opinion you don't owe anyone anything about your life. Exhausting every possibility should be for your benefit. Don't do it just for the sake of others as it won't bring any benefit to you. You would only just be going through the motions and counting the days until it's over if you don't believe in it. I believe in doing everything you can and exhausting every possible way before coming to this decision. But only because you owe it to yourself and nobody else. You only get one shot at this so do it all for yourself and not just for the sake of others. Your life is yours to live or leave. Sorry about all this rant, my life may have led me to be selfish.

There is nothing selfish about your post rest assured.

 

[BoneDog]

I don't think our loved ones will ever really understand the pain or allow us to leave. that guilt you and everyone else here that has loved ones carries is the price of admission for suicide and if they truly have loved us its a fair price to pay. I'm sorry we have to pay it friend.

 

[Soontobegoner]

There is no shame in not wanting to die. It's normal, it's HUMAN, no one wants to die my friend, we only want the suffering to come to an end.
Suicide comes when the pain outweights the solutions.
Do not feel shame as the pain you're going trough makes you more worthy of living than most people on earth.
I do not want to die either, i'm just in too much pain and remember, GUILT is inherently part of depression, sneaky insidious disease that it is.

When it comes to our loved ones, i don't know how to feel about my parents to be honest. They are the ones who are prepared more than anyone. The ones i'm more worried about is the friends who stood by my side until the very end. Two of them, one who i met few years ago and the other one who is my ex-lover. They're INNOCENT, they do not deserve this grief, they shouldn't be victims of such pain. I truly wish they never loved me so they could have lived in peace. That i never had initiated contact with them ONLY TO BREAK THEIR HEART by dying.
I love them, but i won't be here to help them and look out for them once i'll be gone, i want to ensure that they'll be safe, that they won't be "too" affected by my depart. If only i could entrust someone to take care of them for me. To make them happy and never give up on them as they didn't give up on me.

What a strange world we live in, brought only to suffer and ruminate. We do not deserve such fate, but unfortunatly merit does not prevail over chaos.

There is nothing selfish about your post rest assured.

Frankly I am not afraid of death or dying... Neither the pain... I see that pain final payment for release. My issues comes from the plan I have in my head to save my loved ones from trauma.... It require way too much which lately I have been getting cowardice about and I am afraid of failure. I don't want to fail and be in the worse situation and become the bigger weight than I currently am.

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

Frankly I am not afraid of death or dying... Neither the pain... I see that pain final payment for release. My issues comes from the plan I have in my head to save my loved ones from trauma.... It require way too much which lately I have been getting cowardice about and I am afraid of failure. I don't want to fail and be in the worse situation and become the bigger weight than I currently am.

I am sorry you get to carry such a burden.

 

[Soontobegoner]

I am sorry you get to carry such a burden.

It's okay brother.... I think we all are carrying the heavy burden each day... Pushing as much as we can.... There might come a time when we will have enough.

 

[Have_a_nice_Life]

It's okay brother.... I think we all are carrying the heavy burden each day... Pushing as much as we can.... There might come a time when we will have enough.

Do you believe in an afterlife ?

 

[Soontobegoner]

Do you believe in an afterlife ?

Sadly I do... Belief in reincarnation, karma and all the shit

 

[petuniaphantom]

Okay guys, the pain has become unbearable each second i spend on earth is a living hell. I've got all the ressources, I've planned this for a while and i'm ready to take the step. Well i don't think anyone can truly be ready to go but at least what i mean is that the pain is too great for me to go on.

The thought of suicide brings me relief even if it sometimes pains me. But what pains me the most is the pain it'll inflict on my loved ones.
The one I care about know i've been dealing with depression for years now and know i've been suicidal for all that duration too. But they're still hopeful for me and it pains me so much, they want me to live and i just want them to be happy. So here's the deal, I've strongly been suggested by multiple therapists plenty of times to get into a psy-ward. Should i go ? Not for me as I know it's useless and the thought of likely being shut in for weeks or even days seems horrible to me as i do not wish for the suffering to go on any longer. But i get into the psy-ward maybe i could do my final goodbyes in person without this person feeling obliged to put me in the said psy-ward. All options would have been explored and they would understand that they can't do anything more . I could tell them that i'm truly sorry and that they've done everything they could in person and not in a letter.
To clarify, i'm single and do not have any kids the people i'm talking about are my parents and my friends / ex-lover.
I just want them to be happy.

I recently went on a spiritual retreat with close friends. We had a thing called "sunshine mail", where friends usually write positive/happy/heartfelt notes to each other. Since it was my last year, I wrote the longest, most heartfelt letters I could possibly produce within the time constraints. To keep matters short, when I'm gone (which will be soon), I'm hoping that they can refer to these letters as remembrances of me as I have expressed my love and feelings for them through my writing. I don't plan on making a suicide note, even though these letters are reminiscent of/act as suicide notes in a way. I never will disclose to them the true nature of these letters and I never explicitly said goodbye in any way, which was intentional. I reccomend that you write how you truly feel about the people you love. It doesn't have to follow a traditional suicide not format, but rather just a heartfelt expression of love. If you are truly considering this, I believe an act of love is much more meaningful. I wish you the best in whatever you choose to do going forward. <3