Help should i feel guilty that i'm still trying to sign up for driving lessons when i'm suicidal?

[monetpompo]

i can't seem to find a cheaper alternative/a dirt cheap driving school. for six hours behind the wheel i'll need to ask my mom to spend 480 dollars on me, her depressed son that sleeps all day. what's the point? am i even worth that much money??

all i have is working towards my license right now, since i live in texas. my entire life has been on hold since i dropped out of my community college out of depression that i couldn't make friends and relied on my dad. now that my dad is working he and my mom have been on me telling me to learn how to drive. no one in my family knows how to drive and my friends can't help me. i renewed my learner's permit this month. sometimes i want to cry because i just want to progress the way everyone else can. no one wants to hang out with me because i can't drive. i live too far away. i can't get a job because i can't drive to interviews or to work. nothing is walkable. texas isn't friendly to people like me and is actively hostile to people that can't drive. high school kids get taught by their parents, their friends, or a driving instructor if they can shill out such a big wad of money. sometimes i feel an intense envy towards people that know how to drive, because i'm in a situation where it's very hard for me.

if i kill myself the month i get my license, i'll feel really guilty about it. but i've spent so long not having one that i feel incredibly depressed by the amount of experiences i've lost and the meaningless things i've done sitting at home because i don't have the freedom to leave my house. i'm so tired of having no freedom and just burdening the people around me. no one wants to drive me. no one wants to take up the responsibility of having to drive me. it makes me want to throw my blanket over my head and give up. just because i'm trying doesn't make the situation any easier.

my sister expects me to learn how to drive and to look for a job as well, but it's not like she knows how to drive or has a license either. we're in the exact same situation, so we can't help each other. it feels easier to die than keep struggling like this. my mom doesn't believe in me. i just want to been seen as someone responsible, but i know i'm not. people will only respect me once i have a job. i feel so sad that i'm still just seen as a child by my parents and my friends because i can't do things on my own. when i tell people about my situation they feel sad for me but they can't help me either. i feel all twisted up inside.

 

[Hvergelmir]

I strongly believe that one ought to try hard to improve things, up to the very point where only surrender remains. To give up, because one might have to give up, is just a self referential spiral of despair.
A license would be a realistic and serious attempt at improving things.

Speak to your parents: "Living here, I need a license. How can we make that happen?".
Take whatever practical and financial support you can get. Investing in you child's driver's license isn't a waste of money. And if you end up killing yourself, you and they at least tried to move things in the right direction, before giving up.

 

[Sadocan]

Hi. this is my first post here. First I want to add that what you wrote is specially relatable to me. I don't know how to drive either ( even though i have a driver's license. It's just been too long since i last drove a car). I also feel some envy towards the people who do know how to drive. I feel lesser, less responsible and more childish because of it. No one in my family ever bothered much to teach me. My cousin tried one time, but then never again. I feel really pathetic because of that, but at least my city has somewhat average public transportation.

Anyways, I don't think you should feel guilty at all for trying to improve your life. I also don't think you should feel guilty because you don't have a driver's lincense, nor a job. Some people say that guilt is a motivator to do better. However, I think that is only the case for some people. My general experience is that guilt only holds me down. That may be because since I am, too, suicidal, guilt reinforces my deppression rather than motivate me to do better. Only when I let go of guilt, I can have a better life. Maybe that will work for you too.

Recently I've been trying to do just that and it kinda worked. Whenever i feel guilt i just turn it around 90 degrees and it just goes around me instead of hitting me in the face every time. I can walk with my head a little higher now, and i'm not as shy as i used to be.

Wish you the best, whatever that means for you.

 

[monetpompo]

Some people say that guilt is a motivator to do better. However, I think that is only the case for some people. My general experience is that guilt only holds me down. That may be because since I am, too, suicidal, guilt reinforces my deppression rather than motivate me to do better. Only when I let go of guilt, I can have a better life. Maybe that will work for you too.

looking at the cost of driving lessons makes me feel guilty that i exist. if i didn't exist, or if i died, my mom wouldn't have to pay 480 dollars for my lessons. she would just have to give me a funeral, and then she'd never have to pay for any of my things ever again. and then my sister could clear out my room and sell all the things i own to pay for her college classes. it would all make sense and it would end cleanly. it's eating me up because i feel like i just want to die instead of make her life more inconvenient, because she already doesn't like me and sees me as ungrateful.

my sister should be getting a license instead of me. it's just easier for me to get it because i'm at home all the time, so i can go to lessons. i don't seem to qualify for any financial aid yet. i need my physical learner's permit to come in the mail so that i can scan it for the supplemental security income form. it's my only ID. it's hard to not see my existence as completely inconsequential since i always have the option to just burrow in the ground and let myself rot than burden others by asking for help or support. i hate asking people for things. my mom doesn't want to care about me and i've never been able to have a 1 on 1 conversation with her in my life, because she's always believed that i owe her for giving birth to me and she's the only one that's capable of loving me. she wants to ruin my confidence and expects me to be independent at the same time. sometimes i wish she would kill me if she only wants me if i have no friends and no money to leave her house.

i know i'm not a failure, but society sees me as a failure. i'm extremely afraid at the thought of my next birthday coming around and everything is the exact same, and i'm laying in bed at 2 pm on a monday instead of doing anything with my life. i'm tired of people thinking that everything is so easy if i just try. this year has ruined me. i'm extremely self conscious of myself and i just want to scuttle away instead of talk to people. i can't afford therapy and i can't afford more psych wards. there are so many ways that i could ruin my life further. i could ruin it all in one day by breaking one of my legs or something, then my mom would mock me and say i'm too useless to do anything. i shouldn't want that to happen, since i want to get better. but it seems like nothing will ever change because i feel guilty that i want to have a place in people's lives. it's so hard to get better when i hate myself.