Venting Should i end it all?

[Cássius]

I don't know exactly where to start all this, because I don't even know when it started or what was the trigger for all these things, I just know that I am in my current state.

I've been considering ctb for a long time, the only reason I haven't done it is because I have two friends that I don't want to make sad, just for that, this is the little thread that separates me from existence and non-existence.

Well, first of all, I'm a complete pain in the ass to my family, they are disgusted with me for the fact that I seem to have no interest in anything, but every time I've shown that I have dreams that don't match what they want for me, they they humiliated me and did their best to make me stop liking it, I fell into false traps several times and learned not to let my guard down, advice from my imaginary friend charles.
I never had very good grades, most of the time I managed to get a 6 or 7, (6 being the school average), yet they always wanted more, like an 8 or 10, which I could never do, so they consider me useless ass that does nothing.

It's not even that I don't have dreams or anything like that, I just stopped telling them, and they then believe that I don't want anything anymore.
After all, they're just looking for a pretext to throw me out of the house, I live in Brazil and I think you can imagine what it's like, shit.
If I get kicked out of the house, I'll live on the street, under the bridge, or maybe I'll go behind the house and hang myself from the tree there, this was one of the forms of suicide that I fantasized about in my head.
My father doesn't want me to be myself, he even judges the people I hang out with as fagots (detail, I don't have a single homosexual friend), they're just people who dress and think differently, nothing more.

Well, speaking of emotional issues, I hate losing people, and I don't mean death of loved ones or anything like that, I hate that people drift away, I hate the fact that all friendships come to an end, and I hate the fact that that this will happen to my only two friends that I mentioned above, at the moment we are fine, but there will come a time when they will have to move to another city and I will be completely alone, and that's when I plan to ctb if that happens (and I don't get kicked out of the house first).
I can't leave here because I basically live in the fifth of hells, it's far from everything, and since I'm still in high school (third year) it's hard to get a job anyway, what I want most is to get out of here but I just don't have it at the moment.
Every day the fights, humiliations and offenses become more and more frequent, it's becoming impossible for me to bear it, so I ask.

Would it be better for me to just end it all?

 

[FuneralCry]

I find it so dreadful how humans are so unnecessarily cruel in this world, it must be tiring having to suffer like that. But anyway best wishes.

 

[KevG]

I really feel the pain you're experiencing. Your post reads as if l I wrote it a few decades ago. Lived in a small town I knew I had to get out of and had parents who were treating me just like yours do. I dreamed of ctb. I am a homosexual. I felt that my parents knew what I was and they were ashamed of me. I planned over the years to move out and get a job far away so I could live my life in a way that only I would make the decisions. I made my way to a bigger city. As I aged I became more confident and proud of who I was. Judge yourself not based upon your enemies treatment of you but upon the character of those who care the most about your. Your two best friends? You appear to love who they are. They are a reflection of the type of person you are. Good luck.

 

[KowakuNaiNeko]

That's a question that we all have to answer for ourselves. If you're not sure I'd say give it some time (a few weeks at least) and if you still feel the same way that's a good indication. As far as hurting people when you go that's unavoidable but living entirely for the sake of sparing other people some suffering is not a meaningful life. I think if you do some deep, honest introspection and find that it's your only reason for continuing to live then being selfish is warranted.

On the other hand you're at an age where a lot of people struggle. Regardless of what happens with your parents who knows what your life might be like a year or two after high school is over.