Should I buy SN?

[Willbegonesoon]

I really don't know if I should buy SN or not. I'm afraid that if I have it, I would really CTB.
I will never get over the things that are making me suicidal and I am under time pressure: if I decide to go, I should go ASAP because of my kid: she is still small enough to "forget me". The more I wait, the more I will ruin her life. If I go now, she will have a very hard time for a while but later she won't really have any memories of me so she won't miss me and won't feel the pain.
What whould you do? Should I buy my SN or not?

 

[Lordsudbury]

Personally I don't really understand parents who want to CTB. Maybe because my father left me but if I had a kid I would do everything in my power to be there for them and make their life awesome. So no, if you're afraid of actually CTB I think you should hang on for your kid and put your energy into life together.

 

[Deleted member 19654]

She may not have any memories of you but I don't know if she'll be able to forget the fact that you chose to CTB.

 

[Lordsudbury]

Yeah, my dad killed himself and that is forever in my subconscious as a normalized coping method for distress now

 

[Willbegonesoon]

Personally I don't really understand parents who want to CTB. Maybe because my father left me but if I had a kid I would do everything in my power to be there for them and make their life awesome. So no, if you're afraid of actually CTB I think you should hang on for your kid and put your energy into life together.

That's what I'm trying to do so far. But kids grow up and I don't want her to see a useless and depressed dad.
I'm trying to think in long term and I'm not sure she's not better off without me. It's shit but that's how I feel.

Yeah, my dad killed himself and that is forever in my subconscious as a normalized coping method for distress now

I'm really sorry about that. May I ask how old were you?

 

[Lordsudbury]

Well he left when I was 6 months old and I never met him but learned he took his life just last year when I was 31.