Venting should i attempt quicker

[sevennn]

i know not allowed to give advice. suffering so much. should i just order SN buy meto. buy painkiller. paraphernalia. and die. go to hotel. i could put money on card i have some. my ctb money now. thought spend on fun. treating self. will be drinking burning poison. just want to go. new tinnitus. can't concentrate. pain in heart. cant take a day. breakdown. tears. sad. tired. stomach issue so = hurt m, hell SN. don't care anymore. drink 12345678910 glass if need force capsule, rectal, rub it on skin. don't care. fatal. i'm tired. i can't take a second longer. sick. want to go heaven and be loved. god and everyone god made for me. torture. tinnitus sensory prison. already hell. want die. cant lost brain power can't type now properly. just want die. robbed life happiness. body horror. body. tired. want hand held and forehead kissed. as die. nothing. pain vomit bleach acid. and pain. vomit and alone. i must've done something wrong. i'm sorry. i'm sorry. i just wanted to be happy both time wanted to be happy. punished. i wont try to be happy again. i'm sorry mom. love everyone just so tired. really wanted to live. week ago fine. now hell. 10 years ok now hell worst case scenario i. hell. want heaven. go. i'm so tired crying crying tired. can't habituate new tone. only die. mom will understand. gone peace. 40 minute pain. the gone. characters. love music no ringing. safety green fields. friends. not alone. suffer for so many years. thin hollow. want to go. why wont anyone help me. unfair privileged unfair privileged euthanasia if money euebrnajase if can id can't. poor die alone no hand held. no safety. punished. inequality all the way to death. unequal in death. wrong death doesn't make equal. death unequal. dying unequal. tired. want walks with mom. can't anymore. little joy robbed. little joy left robbed. dad robbed. left. tired. want to make fun make fun. don't care. vermin. evil everywhere. people want people raped beaten raped torture blown part. why people. mad. why? sensitive too seneisve. scared to kill self. scared to live. scared to stuck still. scared to dream. scared it doesn't exist. scared last moments. scared present moments. al the way suicide not relief. not emotiona l relief not any relief. all the way death no relief. buy sn go hotel. drink. bleach pain. vomit. cry. drink. die. maybe no happiness. maybe no heaven maybe no tom maybe all gone. most cruel ending. all helped keep alive. thought of heaven. 6 years kept alive. please exist nothing left dream about. no dream come true. for me. no happiness. i'm sorry. when feel awful can't type proper not native. don't care all extra word anymore. useless. words. useless words useless. want cradled safe saved want gone peace rest happiness love. don't want kill self go there want walk there. cruel. don't want more pain. sad sensitive. feel anxious on the phone feel anxious opening door. how kill self? not capable. people like me stuck. chicken. never mature. bullet can't bite. expression. want peaceful sleep. deserve. too sensitive. don't want awake feel dying. would want mom dad. everyone. not fair. suicide disgusting = when suicide alone. suicide = be, nice kind departure. not sneaky taboo fear panic pain. not fair when suffer already lead up to moment. not fair. kick last kick. last. stopped crying. hollow. why not give one last happy day. to people. if suffered enough to plan one last day. why not. what have to lose. all those people. not gain fact then if dead = i'm peace and i'm rest and i'm safety and i'm heaven? what sad? is good. what sad = me. now = sad. want die on happy bright day morning. want take SN, hotel sunny bright morning day. so SN = feel = food poisoning. feel = temporary, feel less scary. like another day. ctb at night don't want. scary. might feel most alone. family go to sleep. im alone. asssociation want die when sunny. people walking down hotel window. sunny lit room want die then. maybe bad idea. don't care maybe bad. i won't. but want to. maybe bad. but sun nice sun made happy now robbed of sun prisoner home prisoner to sound prisoner of sound. but one last time. sun. make happy. cant time it but if winter ctb know sun zenith = 12 pm 1 pm. know. drink then? sunny room. convince just poisoning. convince mind just food poisoning. day sun morning make everything better. made better. made. robbed. never been this sad. can't stop typing. never been hollow the same. thin. no brain cell anymore. used to be smart. people talk. i read can't listen can't read remember. please i'm- good person? did somethign bad? please. why happiness not for me. i wanted it. i cant take how much it hurts. 6-10 year a suffering. who can take it. amnesia but remember pain. if only stomach = good. happy drink SN. body bad in every way. can do propofol don't know how Iv stupid. i can't stop typing. wanted to learn to draw. wanted keep playing piano. wanted write stories. wanted learn so many things. wanted a boyfriend. hug mom. wanted recover. wanted happiness. don't know what i did. all end SN if drink. wont have to fuck up anymore. all end. horrible life over. inadequate incompetent. life over. everyone relieved universe relieved. because shouldn't have tried live happy. laughable tried live. no friends. friends. hurt too much talk about. why everyone leave me. i'm sorry. i was boring. or not enough. i wish i was. i'm sorry. i didn't know what else to do everything slips out of my hand. can't grasp happiness. so tired. sick. started post normal. then annoyed. hate me. i feel small and alone. shouldn't existed first place. life like cocoon. never real. sheltered. never real. ears hurt. hell. gone. let me go mind need let body go. then can go. mind need accept. hard. always suicidal many years. only time now want live. god hurt. i hurt. gone. next month gone. cant take pain. anymore. next month. before period. maybe. don't like period. maybe after period. definitely not on the day. can i take month. two months. always though suicide = my terms. no body rush suicide. body horror rushed. feel murdered. feel murdered. feel not leavjnfbbbut not leaving but being kurdered murdered. by body. body bully. murder me. not suicide. body hurt. body take sn with body hand. mind. want happiness. mind want love. mind want peace. mind want stay. mind want heaven. too. mind want both. happy life. happy heaven. body forcing cut short. body murdering me. my body supposed to love me. carry me. hurting me. can't stop writing. pain unbearable. no need read. think easy read. can type forever. hand hurt typing can go forever. no one talk to. if talk therapist lock key shoes no laces. window no hinges. not hug and warmth. world think treatment. four wall. isolated. world sick. not me. world think isolated room box stairs windows. staff. documents. regiments.= treatment. treatment = love, support, love, health, fairness, justice. rarely mental = mental. most mental = normal. only severe = mental. mental. typing forever. want gone forever. too much pain to kill my self. ironic. but not laughing. hollow. want angel. pick me up. walk with me. sorry. rant over. nobody for me. no no no happiness. die as nothing. nothing nothing nothing. no career no education. not nothjjf. envy people here. someone. at least had job. had degree. had love. had something. me only room rot tinnitus room rot rot rot rot. me only sleepless dreams and sleep reality. maladaptive daydreaming. only. me. *** **** and *** and many others. loved me. goodbye. was here 6 years ago. SS. 5 partial attempt. gone. here now again same reason. same. nothing better. only worse. then baths and sleep with mom. now same. shower hard water hit floor. pain. cryijg ringing. sleep alone. pain. heart breaking. crying ringing. will sleep in moms room tonight. please body or mind. let go. accept. i'm tired. want dad hug me heaven. maybe could live together there. wait for everyone else. drink tea. ginger cat. all good. wait for everyone else. why dad left me go to war and die. sad. sad sad. happy when came back. thought recover = dad home. watch progress. eat together kitchen. happy for me. full family. everyone home. just left. same day. not enough. even dad left rather die. than. can't type anymore. hit painful. want to die. killed dad. my fault. couldn't work. he thought = money. my fault. die. for that die. pain deserve. killed dad. can't wait mom die. rather die. no one. and ringing. alone. with ringing. don't want alone with ringing. will go moms room sleep together. goodbye. tinnitus no break crying grieving dying. going hug mom. goodbye. brush teeth