Should have CTB by now

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I was all set to ctb in the early hours this morning but I didn't go through with it. Still can't get partial right so I stood in my full setup but couldn't kick the chair away.

The world is dark and we all have to be our own light in it. Some people find themselves with a continuous light throughout their lives but realistically these people are few and far between. Most people see that their light is burning out and can light another before they descend into complete darkness, their light may dim but never fully goes out. Others find that that their light does go out and they have to struggle in the darkness for a while until they can reignite their light. My light seems to have come from matches all through my life, burning out quickly and slow to reignite. Well I think I got this box of matches from a discount store and they were water damaged. I thought my last match was burning out last night but it seems there was 1 left in the box. I can't be by own failing light for much longer. It might go out tonight, I hope it does but I guess it could surprise me again.

I don't live in this world I just exist and it's an utterly pointless existence that hurts beyond what my imagination thought possible. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to exist in a world that doesn't want me. I have been grappling with the fear that even the nothingness won't want me either and that wanting peace is just wanting something else that is beyond my reach. My head hurts from thinking about it all. There's a certain irony in the fact that it is my consciousness not my body that is wants to go but it is my consciousness not my body that stops me from going.

 

[naji842002]

I am new to this website. I usually do my suffering alone and but this time needed some reassurance that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I log on for the first time and I see your post. I know exactly how you feel.

 

[Iwantoutrightnow]

I know exactly how you feel.

Welcome! Sorry to hear that my post resonates with you, it's a horrible place to be. Thanks for replying, I hope you find what you're looking for here

 

[naji842002]

Welcome! Sorry to hear that my post resonates with you, it's a horrible place to be. Thanks for replying, I hope you find what you're looking for here

Thank you and I am sorry that you are in "this horrible place" too. It's ironic how I keep going into that same dark place, this has been happening for years... and each and every time I think about exiting but I still hold on... for what exactly , IDK. It's like a game almost. I hope you find what you are looking for as well.

 

[disconnection]

I was all set to ctb in the early hours this morning but I didn't go through with it. Still can't get partial right so I stood in my full setup but couldn't kick the chair away.

The world is dark and we all have to be our own light in it. Some people find themselves with a continuous light throughout their lives but realistically these people are few and far between. Most people see that their light is burning out and can light another before they descend into complete darkness, their light may dim but never fully goes out. Others find that that their light does go out and they have to struggle in the darkness for a while until they can reignite their light. My light seems to have come from matches all through my life, burning out quickly and slow to reignite. Well I think I got this box of matches from a discount store and they were water damaged. I thought my last match was burning out last night but it seems there was 1 left in the box. I can't be by own failing light for much longer. It might go out tonight, I hope it does but I guess it could surprise me again.

I don't live in this world I just exist and it's an utterly pointless existence that hurts beyond what my imagination thought possible. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want to exist in a world that doesn't want me. I have been grappling with the fear that even the nothingness won't want me either and that wanting peace is just wanting something else that is beyond my reach. My head hurts from thinking about it all. There's a certain irony in the fact that it is my consciousness not my body that is wants to go but it is my consciousness not my body that stops me from going.

The way you describe this with the light and the matches is spot on and kinda beautiful. Why is it that such sorrow can also be so beautiful and why can't that poignancy in itself mean something more than it does? We are all trapped here, broken souls in a world which wasn't meant for us, crying out with anonymous voices.

I like to believe that there will be at least a chance for peace beyond. Consciousness is a bitch though isn't it. I wish I could switch mine off long enough for it not to fight back.

I am new to this website. I usually do my suffering alone and but this time needed some reassurance that I am not alone in my thoughts and feelings. I log on for the first time and I see your post. I know exactly how you feel.

Hey, welcome to the forum. I've found it a really reassuring place to be. Strange though that is.