Story Shitty Girlfriend

[[NoName]]

That's me!

"Broke up" with him in a flimsy attempt to distance ourselves in case I decide to die. He explains that me breaking up with him isn't going to make him any less upset if I die.

We both end up in tears, and I don't know what to do. I've only been suicidal for maybe a month and a half. What am I supposed to do in this situation? My emotions decide to fuck off so I'm just sitting there.

So after awhile I decide to get up and play video games. He messages me how I just made him cry and went off to play video games. I come back and we talk and cry more. So we're not broken up, if I decide to die I'm going to wreck this guy's life for a long time.

I sometimes wish I had never asked him out, but a selfish part of me is glad I did because he is my best friend.

What the fuck am I supposed to do??!

 

[Tyuiop]

Get help? You're only suicidal for a month, some people here have been suicidal or depressed for decades. Sometimes the drugs do help, sometimes therapy helps, you never know until you have tried.

 

[[NoName]]

Get help? You're only suicidal for a month, some people here have been suicidal or depressed for decades. Sometimes the drugs do help, sometimes therapy helps, you never know until you have tried.

I don't think the length in time makes what I feel any less real.

Also, me being suicidal isn't about being mentally ill. I just came to a certain conclusion based on my personal beliefs. For me to not be suicidal, I would have to radically change my morals. Nihilism is what I sink into when I lean more towards living, because not giving a shit is the way to go to keep me living.

 

[Tyuiop]

I don't think the length in time makes what I feel any less real.

Also, me being suicidal isn't about being mentally ill. I just came to a certain conclusion based on my personal beliefs. For me to not be suicidal, I would have to radically change my morals. Nihilism is what I sink into when I lean more towards living, because not giving a shit is the way to go to keep me living.

I'm sorry, I don't know anything about your life, just the length of time made me think that you could benefit from help.
What are these personal beliefs? After all, you already know you will hurt at least one person.

 

[[NoName]]

I'm sorry, I don't know anything about your life, just the length of time made me think that you could benefit from help.
What are these personal beliefs? After all, you already know you will hurt at least one person.

Don't be sorry, I'd probably say the same thing too!

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

Well, my feeling is that if you felt strongly enough about this guy, you likely wouldn't want to ctb. Things being as they are, it doesn't sound like a relationship you'd be interested in for the long term anyway. Of course, I'm only speculating based on what you've put here. It sounds like you'll have to ask yourself some hard questions - is this a serious relationship? Do you like him enough to try and make it work? Is it worth you seeking help? Do you see a future, either for yourself, or together with him? Answering those may be a good place to start.

 

[[NoName]]

Well, my feeling is that if you felt strongly enough about this guy, you likely wouldn't want to ctb. Things being as they are, it doesn't sound like a relationship you'd be interested in for the long term anyway. Of course, I'm only speculating based on what you've put here. It sounds like you'll have to ask yourself some hard questions - is this a serious relationship? Do you like him enough to try and make it work? Is it worth you seeking help? Do you see a future, either for yourself, or together with him? Answering those may be a good place to start.

I could easily see myself marrying this man.

I don't want to die out of sadness or not thinking I have a future.

It's hard to put into words, I'll post later if I can figure out how to say what I think.

 

[[NoName]]

I enabled people to become shit or shittier. Because I enabled them to do this, our world got worse. I don't want to live with the fact that I made the world a worse place. In order for me to not be upset, I'd have to radically change my morals.

I switch between being "ok", suicidal, nihilistic, all day. It's an exhausting mental exercise I cannot stop from happening. I know what it's like to not feel this way, and I hate that I will never be able to go back to that way of life.

I could handle maybe the intense feelings of suicide, because those don't last very long. It's the all day less intense feelings of being suicidal, or thinking of how I'll get better, or thinking about thinking about thinking. I had anxiety before all of this, so compulsive thinking is just part of who I am.

The only way I end up being "ok" is thinking about how I think. And I hate it. Why live like this? I don't want to live like this. Living day to day like this isn't worth it.

Does any of this make sense? I haven't ever fully explained why I feel the way I do before.

I hope this doesn't sound vapid

 

[Tyuiop]

I enabled people to become shit or shittier. Because I enabled them to do this, our world got worse. I don't want to live with the fact that I made the world a worse place. In order for me to not be upset, I'd have to radically change my morals.

I switch between being "ok", suicidal, nihilistic, all day. It's an exhausting mental exercise I cannot stop from happening. I know what it's like to not feel this way, and I hate that I will never be able to go back to that way of life.

I could handle maybe the intense feelings of suicide, because those don't last very long. It's the all day less intense feelings of being suicidal, or thinking of how I'll get better, or thinking about thinking about thinking. I had anxiety before all of this, so compulsive thinking is just part of who I am.

The only way I end up being "ok" is thinking about how I think. And I hate it. Why live like this? I don't want to live like this. Living day to day like this isn't worth it.

Does any of this make sense? I haven't ever fully explained why I feel the way I do before.

I hope this doesn't sound vapid

I don't know what to say... I think you could benefit from a good therapist, if you can afford it.
My only point would be that you're not responsible for other's actions. Unless you actively participated in the stuff with them, you haven't really done anything to make this world shittier. They would most likely be just as shitty without you. And you can always change your behavior to make the world a better place.

 

[iceman]

From reading your post then I have to agree with Tyuiop, it sounds like you love this guy and if he's your best friend too then you have something that most people would love to have. Being suicidal for a month and a half means this is all new and you're trying really hard to deal with all those emotions. I'm not in any way saying you're not suffering, I know how intense and painful the feelings are, I'm just saying as it's so new then you might be able to pull yourself back from the ledge and have a future with this guy.

Maybe try opening up and being vulnerable to him, let him help you through this and work on a way to survive not die, he's the person who knows you best so you probably feel more comfortable opening up to him than a therapist. I wish you luck with whatever path you decide to take, and you're not a shitty girlfriend, just someone going through some intense crap and trying their best to deal with it however they can (I have made some seriously shitty decisions and hurt many people when feeling suicidal).