Venting shit timing

[brokenwaves]

i shouldn't still be here, and i wish i wasn't. the longer i stay in this world the more pain i endure & the worse my situation gets. i'm so tired of it all and i was ready to go so long ago, and god i really wish i went through with it then, because now i feel like i'm stuck here for a while. living situation has me stuck with family, can't ctb here. oh a hotel maybe? nope not an option thanks to covid. ok ok hotels should opening back up in next few months, how about then? oh no wait my closest family member is going through the hardest period of their life so far (diagnosed with cancer, underwent bunch of operations, seems as though they'll be ok but one last treatment to go in 2 months, all this on top of a marriage separation).

part of me was happy in a way that i was still here to help at the start of this horror story for my family member, but now i just feel trapped - if i stay, i'm being tortured mentally and what do i even have to offer anymore? and if i go, i'm worsening their situation completely and placing the cherry on top of the shittiest year of their life. but god, lately i just can't cope, i feel like i'm losing my goddamn mind 24/7. i can't think straight and my head is ready to explode. i can barely leave the house for a walk most days, and i'm constantly sick to my stomach with my mental state. i just want out but have seemingly no options.

yes i know there is no "good" timing when it comes to ctb, but i don't want to send them over the edge.

 

[WornOutLife]

I know that feeling.
Every time I look at myself in the mirror I'm like "Dude, you're already 33! Whacha doing still here?"

 

[almaranthine]

I feel like I missed my best shot to ctb, granted it would have been a horrible mess but I truly believe it would have worked. Years back, I was dating a guy who kept a gun with him at all times. He'd take it to work, bring the piece home, set it down on the coffee table, go take a shower. All I had to do was pick it up, sneak out the front door, get in my car, drive off somewhere dark and desolate, and shoot myself. Whoever would have found me at least wouldn't have known me. I would have felt bad about that, but it's not easy to avoid someone being upset about your dead body.

 

[JustAMatterOfTime]

I understand. It's a credit to you that you are thinking so much about other people, and ironic that people who ctb get called selfish when this is usually the reality. I feel the same I do not have a sick relative like that fortunately apart from a dying aunt who I don't even really know and my mum hates anyway. But I dont want to hurt my mum. I think there will always be something that comes up unfortunately to stand in the way.

I'm relying on a really bad day where I panic and I know it will come soon it always happens and I leave myself then I just won't be thinking about anyone else.

 

[almaranthine]

I understand. It's a credit to you that you are thinking so much about other people, and ironic that people who ctb get called selfish when this is usually the reality. I feel the same I do not have a sick relative like that fortunately apart from a dying aunt who I don't even really know and my mum hates anyway. But I dont want to hurt my mum. I think there will always be something that comes up unfortunately to stand in the way.

I'm relying on a really bad day where I panic and I know it will come soon it always happens and I leave myself then I just won't be thinking about anyone else.

Waiting for that moment myself, the point where it all finally becomes too much to bear and the pain frees me to only see the end of my suffering, not the inevitable suffering my death will inflict on really only one other person (my mother).