Venting Shit just got real. The Room is Booked.

[Crushed_Innocence]

In less than a month, I will bring a final end to my torturous existence. I have this nagging feeling that I am about to do something "wrong" & its annoying. I believe its the residue of decades of religious indoctrination. But no matter, I have my justification. And for me, the abused orphan whose start in life was deviod of any semblance of love, structure or consistency- never had a chance. Even my psychologist agrees that my assessment that my life was over before it even started.

I'm ready yall. My bus is on the way. I plan to give all details of my method & its possible I have someone who can document my passing and leave that milestone here as there is alot of confusion about the method, so Ill be glad to leave something of use to the community behind.

For those who don't know my story, I met "the one" and this man became the straw that broke me. I met him in summer 2018. He is know as the "Boy from last Summer" I discovered that at age 40. My epic mental & emotional breakdown was a combination of NVS (Narcissistic Victim Syndrome) & I found out I had BPD. This is the first time I am posting about the diagnosis publicly & am only doing so because I will be taking my own life. Im devastated to discover that 40 years of failure, despair, eating disorder, shattered self image, emptiness, lonliness, craving, longing, feeling left out & unwanted, a constant painful awareness of inferiority, no family, no social life or circle, inability to experince life normally...

My disease was hidden in plain sight all my life never had proper intervention even tho I was in a youth mental health program. 25 institutions as a teen in foster care (age 11-18)a female treated like garbadge thrown out into the big nasty world all alone & a was shamed all my life for wanting love. From a perfect boy...

I was so messed up everything I touched fucked up...fired from jobs, never became financially independent, dropped out of college TWICE, used & thrown away by men, eating & obesity... isolation.

I wish I had not stayed here this long to look back at 40 years of broken dreams. NOT ONE SINGLE THING that I ever hoped for, wanted or desired ever came true. I was too fucked up to make anything substantial happen. I can't live under the weight of this kind of all encompassing FAILURE.

And so in a culture that tells me to sink or swim. In a few weeks I will sink on my own terms.

If anyone needs anything hit me up.

I love u SS family. You have no idea how much Im going to need you guys over these next few weeks.

 

[easywayout]

What method will you be using?

 

[Grandexit]

I don't know what to say. You're breaking my heart. I'm so very sorry that life was so incredibly shitty to you. Is there anything that we can do to make this world a little less horrible for whatever time you have left? I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.

 

[MsMaudlin]

I'm so sorry that you went through all that, heartbreaking to read.
I too have been used and abused by men all my life.
Sending you strength.
Love and peace ❤

 

[Innereye]

Its clear you have thought about this for a long time, I hope you will be at peace in the end.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

What method will you be using?

What method will you be using?

Im too paranoid to post it yet. I am going to wait till closer to my ctb date.

 

[WhyIsLife56]

You're not doing anything wrong ❤
You're leaving on your own terms. You're doing this for yourself. ❤❤
That's all that matters

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Its clear you have thought about this for a long time, I hope you will be at peace in the end.

Yes. I had failed attempt Jan 2019. Its taken a year... Im ready.

I don't know what to say. You're breaking my heart. I'm so very sorry that life was so incredibly shitty to you. Is there anything that we can do to make this world a little less horrible for whatever time you have left? I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.

Ill take a cyber hug! Thank you. I think for me I just want to be surrounded by those who truly understand suicide as a path. A journey just as valid as any other, my only hope not to die in complete emotional isolation is those from here...

I don't know what to say. You're breaking my heart. I'm so very sorry that life was so incredibly shitty to you. Is there anything that we can do to make this world a little less horrible for whatever time you have left? I wish I could reach out and give you a hug.

Ill take a cyber hug! Thank you. I think for me I just want to be surrounded by those who truly understand suicide as a path. A journey just as valid as any other, my only hope not to die in complete emotional isolation is those from here...

 

[justwantdeath]

This hurts to read. There are seats in heaven for those persecuted in this life.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm so sorry that you went through all that, heartbreaking to read.
I too have been used and abused by men all my life.
Sending you strength.
Love and peace ❤

Thank you.... we all need love & its sad many of us find nothing but pain in its place..
Im sorry u suffered too..... its a horrific kind of pain. Heartbreak & rejection.

You're not doing anything wrong ❤
You're leaving on your own terms. You're doing this for yourself. ❤❤
That's all that matters

Thank you. Sometimes its still hard for me to do things for myself. I will die with a little guilt but thats okay...

This hurts to read. There are seats in heaven for those persecuted in this life.

Thank you. Im hope there is no otherside, but if there is I hope for ultimate resolution and peace.

 

[Hopeindeath!]

I'm sorry for all your pain. I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

 

[jgm63]

I know everyone has different beliefs, but I believe that if you decide to proceed, there is a place waiting for you where you'll be able to get a brand new start, you'll be able to heal all your wounds, and be the perfect you that you really are in truth..... From the depth of my heart, I wish that for you because God knows you deserve it sweet angel....



and if for any reason you changed your mind, you have a home here of course.....

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

I'm sorry for all your pain. I wish you peace in whatever you decide.

Thank you so very much

I know everyone has different beliefs, but I believe that if you decide to proceed, there is a place waiting for you where you'll be able to get a brand new start, you'll be able to heal all your wounds, and be the perfect you that you really are in truth..... From the depth of my heart, I wish that for you because God knows you deserve it sweet angel....



and if for any reason you changed your mind, you have a home here of course.....

Thank you so much for the kind sentiment. It really means a lot me. After being told for decades that suicide will cause one to be confined to eternal torture, it resonates with me so much more tour words. Although I think annihalation is most likely, I wouldn't mind being greeted by the family & partner I always wanted upon taking my last breath.

 

[HorribleFeelings1]

I am here to support you on your journey, I hope the absolute BEST for you for whatever path you take. If you are going to end your life then I hope you have a peaceful and easily journey. I am always here to talk to for anything.

 

[justwantdeath]

I know everyone has different beliefs, but I believe that if you decide to proceed, there is a place waiting for you where you'll be able to get a brand new start, you'll be able to heal all your wounds, and be the perfect you that you really are in truth..... From the depth of my heart, I wish that for you because God knows you deserve it sweet angel....



and if for any reason you changed your mind, you have a home here of course.....

Php4:7 "And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your thoughts in Christ Jesus."

Peace beyond understanding is what people who've died and come back have described it as. Heaven is a wonderful place.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

In less than a month, I will bring a final end to my torturous existence. I have this nagging feeling that I am about to do something "wrong" & its annoying. I believe its the residue of decades of religious indoctrination. But no matter, I have my justification. And for me, the abused orphan whose start in life was deviod of any semblance of love, structure or consistency- never had a chance. Even my psychologist agrees that my assessment that my life was over before it even started.

I'm ready yall. My bus is on the way. I plan to give all details of my method & its possible I have someone who can document my passing and leave that milestone here as there is alot of confusion about the method, so Ill be glad to leave something of use to the community behind.

For those who don't know my story, I met "the one" and this man became the straw that broke me. I met him in summer 2018. He is know as the "Boy from last Summer" I discovered that at age 40. My epic mental & emotional breakdown was a combination of NVS (Narcissistic Victim Syndrome) & I found out I had BPD. This is the first time I am posting about the diagnosis publicly & am only doing so because I will be taking my own life. Im devastated to discover that 40 years of failure, despair, eating disorder, shattered self image, emptiness, lonliness, craving, longing, feeling left out & unwanted, a constant painful awareness of inferiority, no family, no social life or circle, inability to experince life normally...

My disease was hidden in plain sight all my life never had proper intervention even tho I was in a youth mental health program. 25 institutions as a teen in foster care (age 11-18)a female treated like garbadge thrown out into the big nasty world all alone & a was shamed all my life for wanting love. From a perfect boy...

I was so messed up everything I touched fucked up...fired from jobs, never became financially independent, dropped out of college TWICE, used & thrown away by men, eating & obesity... isolation.

I wish I had not stayed here this long to look back at 40 years of broken dreams. NOT ONE SINGLE THING that I ever hoped for, wanted or desired ever came true. I was too fucked up to make anything substantial happen. I can't live under the weight of this kind of all encompassing FAILURE.

And so in a culture that tells me to sink or swim. In a few weeks I will sink on my own terms.

If anyone needs anything hit me up.

I love u SS family. You have no idea how much Im going to need you guys over these next few weeks.

Hugs, from one BPD Sister to another. You are not alone. Please don't think you are alone with this diagnosis, or being unwanted by their loved ones.

It does hurt to see fellow sisters with BPD leaving. Is there not a way out for us to love ourselves and to love each other?

 

[not-2-b-the-answer]

In less than a month, I will bring a final end to my torturous existence. I have this nagging feeling that I am about to do something "wrong" & its annoying. I believe its the residue of decades of religious indoctrination. But no matter, I have my justification. And for me, the abused orphan whose start in life was deviod of any semblance of love, structure or consistency- never had a chance. Even my psychologist agrees that my assessment that my life was over before it even started.

I'm ready yall. My bus is on the way. I plan to give all details of my method & its possible I have someone who can document my passing and leave that milestone here as there is alot of confusion about the method, so Ill be glad to leave something of use to the community behind.

For those who don't know my story, I met "the one" and this man became the straw that broke me. I met him in summer 2018. He is know as the "Boy from last Summer" I discovered that at age 40. My epic mental & emotional breakdown was a combination of NVS (Narcissistic Victim Syndrome) & I found out I had BPD. This is the first time I am posting about the diagnosis publicly & am only doing so because I will be taking my own life. Im devastated to discover that 40 years of failure, despair, eating disorder, shattered self image, emptiness, lonliness, craving, longing, feeling left out & unwanted, a constant painful awareness of inferiority, no family, no social life or circle, inability to experince life normally...

My disease was hidden in plain sight all my life never had proper intervention even tho I was in a youth mental health program. 25 institutions as a teen in foster care (age 11-18)a female treated like garbadge thrown out into the big nasty world all alone & a was shamed all my life for wanting love. From a perfect boy...

I was so messed up everything I touched fucked up...fired from jobs, never became financially independent, dropped out of college TWICE, used & thrown away by men, eating & obesity... isolation.

I wish I had not stayed here this long to look back at 40 years of broken dreams. NOT ONE SINGLE THING that I ever hoped for, wanted or desired ever came true. I was too fucked up to make anything substantial happen. I can't live under the weight of this kind of all encompassing FAILURE.

And so in a culture that tells me to sink or swim. In a few weeks I will sink on my own terms.

If anyone needs anything hit me up.

I love u SS family. You have no idea how much Im going to need you guys over these next few weeks.

So sorry you have had to go through all this.I can't even imagine all the pain you have had to go through. Sometimes I feel guilty for wanting to die when I hear other peoples stories.
I understand the religious bullshit … I think (most times) there is a higher power but I also think they use it to control people.
I hope you are able to find peace when the time comes.

 

[jgm63]

Thank you so very much

Thank you so much for the kind sentiment. It really means a lot me. After being told for decades that suicide will cause one to be confined to eternal torture, it resonates with me so much more tour words. Although I think annihalation is most likely, I wouldn't mind being greeted by the family & partner I always wanted upon taking my last breath.

Well my view is that assuming you decide to proceed, you're in for a beautiful journey....

But of course we support you whatever your decision may be.....

 

[Anxious_Panda]

I'm mostly a lurker here.. But your story forced me to come out of the woodwork for a minute. I'm so incredibly sorry that this life has been so unkind and unfair to you. I wish I could reach through the computer and grasp your hands and tell you it's all going to be okay. But I know that's not reality. I hope you're able to find a ray of warm sunlight through these last few weeks and even though we've never met and probably never will, know I care and that you have a friend from beyond the computer screen that cares. <3 I hope you truly find your peace because god knows you deserve it. *hugs*

 

[AintNoWayOut]

cant wait till im at this point

 

[Y-B]

It's heartbreaking to read what you've been through, so sorry to read. I'd really wish for you to end up in a better place whatever choice you may make. Booking room must make it suddenly feel so real.

 

[AlreadyGone]

This is heartbreaking, but I hope everything works out for you when the time comes.

 

[Final Escape]

I'm right behind you. I want to leave for similar reasons. My life has pretty much the same outcome and want to leave for the same reasons. It's devastating to live with knowing you will never have a life worth living. Good luck

 

[pthnrdnojvsc]

In less than a month, I will bring a final end to my torturous existence. I have this nagging feeling that I am about to do something "wrong" & its annoying. I believe its the residue of decades of religious indoctrination. But no matter, I have my justification. And for me, the abused orphan whose start in life was deviod of any semblance of love, structure or consistency- never had a chance. Even my psychologist agrees that my assessment that my life was over before it even started.

I'm ready yall. My bus is on the way. I plan to give all details of my method & its possible I have someone who can document my passing and leave that milestone here as there is alot of confusion about the method, so Ill be glad to leave something of use to the community behind.

For those who don't know my story, I met "the one" and this man became the straw that broke me. I met him in summer 2018. He is know as the "Boy from last Summer" I discovered that at age 40. My epic mental & emotional breakdown was a combination of NVS (Narcissistic Victim Syndrome) & I found out I had BPD. This is the first time I am posting about the diagnosis publicly & am only doing so because I will be taking my own life. Im devastated to discover that 40 years of failure, despair, eating disorder, shattered self image, emptiness, lonliness, craving, longing, feeling left out & unwanted, a constant painful awareness of inferiority, no family, no social life or circle, inability to experince life normally...

My disease was hidden in plain sight all my life never had proper intervention even tho I was in a youth mental health program. 25 institutions as a teen in foster care (age 11-18)a female treated like garbadge thrown out into the big nasty world all alone & a was shamed all my life for wanting love. From a perfect boy...

I was so messed up everything I touched fucked up...fired from jobs, never became financially independent, dropped out of college TWICE, used & thrown away by men, eating & obesity... isolation.

I wish I had not stayed here this long to look back at 40 years of broken dreams. NOT ONE SINGLE THING that I ever hoped for, wanted or desired ever came true. I was too fucked up to make anything substantial happen. I can't live under the weight of this kind of all encompassing FAILURE.

And so in a culture that tells me to sink or swim. In a few weeks I will sink on my own terms.

If anyone needs anything hit me up.

I love u SS family. You have no idea how much Im going to need you guys over these next few weeks.

I'm right behind you. I want to leave for similar reasons. My life has pretty much the same outcome and want to leave for the same reasons. It's devastating to live with knowing you will never have a life worth living. Good luck

That would be devastating for me to see you go @Crushed_Innocence . And also @Final Escape . Both of your posts are like poetry. Many of us here on this forum would definitely miss both your posts and both your presence here. I know both of you can see the immense number of likes and positive remarks toward you from members here that prove this. I hope neither of you leave but of course you have to do what you think is right for you.

 

[Crushed_Innocence]

Hugs, from one BPD Sister to another. You are not alone. Please don't think you are alone with this diagnosis, or being unwanted by their loved ones.

It does hurt to see fellow sisters with BPD leaving. Is there not a way out for us to love ourselves and to love each other?

There is hope for a minority, DBT is very promising and many recover, but many do not and with the highest cbt rate of all mental illnesses, no one should be surprised. 40 is too damn old to start fucking "recovery" at my age and with the loss of an entire LIFE, I can't recover decades of loss nor my ability to have kids soon. I hope the medical estabishment is able to find a cure & treatment in the future.

 

[Deleted member 1465]

Your story breaks my heart. You've been strong to get this far. I wish you could continue but I can respect the exhaustion you must be feeling.
I just wish I could say more to help.

 

[PDAnnie2610]

There is hope for a minority, DBT is very promising and many recover, but many do not and with the highest cbt rate of all mental illnesses, no one should be surprised. 40 is too damn old to start fucking "recovery" at my age and with the loss of an entire LIFE, I can't recover decades of loss nor my ability to have kids soon. I hope the medical estabishment is able to find a cure & treatment in the future.

I know it gets hopeless. And the feeling of never been good enough messes one up.. though I do hope that those of us with BPD can hang on for better times, I do know that life for us can and do seem like endless firefighting. So.. if you need to, I do wish you success and smooth ride in your quest for peace..

There's no DBT in my area. So I'm very doomed because I'm too tired to jump hoops to get services and then get rejected.

 

[less than]

It's a shame that everything in your life was so shitty for you. Your experience must be terrible. You were abandoned by people who were supposed to take care of you and love you. I understand your decision but I'm always sad to see a long-term member go. I hope for you that a miracle will soon happen to you and your physical and mental health will improve. But I'm also realistic and I can only wish you peace for your last days on earth. Hopefully you decide otherwise. Please be careful with yourself.

 

[BPD Barbie]

Hey, just echoing what everyone else said really. I'm so truly sorry life dealt you shit, and I'm truly sorry for the pain and suffering you've been through and dealt with. Ultimately the choice is yours, but it's never too late if you decide the time isn't right. We are here for you, regardless, right up to the end

 

[Madiem]

can i ask a favour?