Is it mean that instead of feeling empathic or even sympathizing I feel damn relatable? I usually don't say so~ cuz one, it's insulting, and two, I hate to be pitied (who doesn't?).
Two, years back, I lost my friend, who-was-my-best-friend-for-ten-years and probably the first friend a introvert like me managed to make~ it was pathetic when she decided the rumours about me were amusing and decided to side up with bullies, I dreaded every day at school at that time.
This year if pandemic would not have happened I'd have been off to college in July and I was excited for it a few months ago, cuz it didn't only mean leaving all the memories of how-I-did-school-wrong but also not living with my dysfunctional family.
When bullying started I made friends with a new student and with an on-off friend, and that student later ended up betraying by hiding one of my books during an examination and when I realised we couldn't get it back as exams started, I did ask her to tear off the page with my name, but she neither did that nor owned up and let me fall with the blame. And the other friend only talked about herself and herself and never listened. I know it sounds as if I'm blaming others, but I'm no better either, instead of explaining to my friend, who only talks about herself, how toxic is our friendship, I cut her off as soon as school ended, I g that I was only with her cuz I was afraid of being perceived as a loner and wanted someone to hang with just so I can pretend I ain't friendless, but what I did was sure mean. :-\
And I g that I k I'm boring and it's so fearful that most ppl will regret being with me, I had/have (I yet can't decide what's the case) another friend, who I met through my ex-best friend, about whom I wrote in starting, we three were best friends and when bullying started I least expected her support but I was wrong, she's amazing at listening and made me feel human when rest of the world convinced me that I am a monster. But we never talked about how I was responsible for separating her from our friend, this guilt still eats at me, and I think that I'm boring, she just doesn't say hurtful things but at one point did say that I don't start on many topics. I can't think of witty things to say when conversations are going on and often think what could I have said long after those talks are done. I g I'm just boring and I don't want to be. She's one person I never wanted to lose, but once lockdown started and I got trapped with a family I hate, I wasn't picking her calls and texting vague replies, and all the while it was her trying to talk to me and me being a total idiot, she's one person I'm badly missing each day, yet in her case she's got lots of friends and I think I don't have anyone. I never shared about dysfunctional family with her cuz I was afraid that would be backstabbing my family, and hating them isn't reasonable enough to say things behind their backs. (In fact, it's the first time I ever wrote that my family is dysfunctional, I pretend it's not otherwise.)
I'm quite friendless at the moment, and I do believe that the reason is~ I don't know how to keep them. I used to have some online friends, socializing was easier online than irl~ but my parents don't feel ashamed reading my text without my permission, they seem as if they don't know whether I'm the one living my life or they're, they often forced me leave those place that I ended up installing and uninstalling to talk to them. Other times, I just left with no reason even though I loved and missed those ppl and regret it later.
If, by some miracle, I somehow make it to college, I feel afraid of trusting anyone cuz I'm terrible at being able to recognise if someone means what they say or they don't, I'm afraid of being bullied or betrayed or leaving.
Idk why in the wide world I wrote this self-centred thing here, perhaps in short what I meant is that~ I relate. Though I g that I have another friend, who's my pet rabbit and she always listens to me and licks me~ so maybe the case is~ humans suck! Yet I will for people who would "listen and understand and have fun with me" instead of judging me so I always have to pretend I'm alright and nothing's worse in this world.
