She was right about everything she said, and that’s why I need to do this

[everlastinghistory]

This is pretty much just a rant

I've only ever loved one person. We live in different countries. Different continents, even. So I can't just find her and talk to her in person. She's blocked me in every way I've ever contacted her. I've always valued her opinion over my own, and I always will. She's the most precious thing in the world to me. All I ever really wanted was to make her happy the way she made me happy.

Unfortunately, I did the exact opposite. The major things I did were threatening to kill myself if she left, and spamming her everywhere I could when she first blocked me. I shouldn't have done either of those. Of course I know that. But my reaction was out of fear and I meant every word I said. I wasn't trying to hurt her. I genuinely believed I would kill myself without her and the fact that I'm on this site right now proves that fact to be true. It wasn't a threat. It was a warning about the reality of the situation. I didn't want her to make any decisions she would potential regret, so I wanted her to know the full severity of the effects her actions could cause. I never meant to hurt her. I wanted the opposite.

She said she forgave me for both of those things and we continued talking for a few months. Then one day in February she randomly blocked me without a word. That was when I spammed her literally everywhere. I didn't get any response. She just kept blocking every account I tried with.

I think the next time we had contact was my birthday. Her birthday is the day after mine and there's a 6 hour time difference so it was already her birthday. Exactly midnight on her birthday. I posted a "happy birthday" directed to her. She responded to it saying happy birthday to me too. Maybe another week after that she unblocked me and started talking to me as if nothing had happened. By the end of the conversation she got mad at me for saying I wanted to fix things because "that's just how you are you can't change it" and blocked me again.

Then yesterday she messaged me again… She got mad at me for a lie I admitted to over a month ago and that wasn't malicious at all. It was a lie I told out of fear she'd think the truth was weird. I tried to explain that but she didn't care. Then she got mad at me for ACCIDENTALLY telling someone who lives in the same country as her about her account and what happened with us.

During that conversation she called me disgusting, manipulative, dangerous, awful, said I didn't deserve to be talking to her, and that I couldn't change because "you can't be somebody you're not", and told me to stay away from her for good and that she wouldn't be contacting me again.

The thing is though, she was right. As much as I desperately want to change and fix things between us I know it's not realistic. I love her and I would do anything to make her happy. But the truth is she was right and I really can't change anything.

She's the only person I care about. The only opinion I value is hers. Not even my own. She's the only person who's ever mattered to me at all. If she doesn't want me around, and will never believe I can change even if I try, then the only way for me to really make her happy is for me to be dead.

I truly believe she would be better off and happier if I were dead. I wouldn't be able to hurt her anymore. I wouldn't be able to annoy her anymore. I wouldn't be any concern to her anymore.

I want her to be happy no matter what it takes, and as far as I can tell: Death is what it takes. Besides, I've wanted to do this for years. She was what stopped me for a long time. Now though, it seems like my death could only benefit her.

 

[PlanB]

I read and re-read this. And I feel for both of the parties here. On the one hand- I have had people try to use me to save themselves, threatening their lives depending upon my actions. I felt immense guilt. I felt trapped, and being suicidal myself it conjured up those feelings in me. I felt as though because I could not be what this person needed me to be, that I was absolute trash. I couldn't even save myself, let alone someone else though.

On the other side of it I see someone in pain. I see someone who cannot control what they are doing or how they feel and they are at the mercy of the prison that is their mind. I see someone who also feels guilty for just existing as much as I feel guilt for the same.

I am sorry OP your feelings have betrayed you this way. I don't have anything profound to say but I feel the situation you are in. I hope the two of you find peace one way or another.

 

[depressedlover]

I'm so sorry for what you're going through.Just know it's ok and very normal to feel what you're feeling because you're genuine with your feelings,don't be too hard on yourself.I just hope you'll find the peace you're seeking in whichever decision you make.