She blocked me, I have nothing left

[everlastinghistory]

Well, the only person I've ever truly loved or even remotely cared about blocked me today. She warned me a while ago when I freaked out at her and spam texted her that if I ever did anything like that again she'd block me. I respected that and tried to follow the boundaries she set. The thing is today I responded to a tweet she posted jokingly saying not every thought needs to be shared with the world and she blocked me. I genuinely didn't think it was that big of a deal but apparently she saw it differently. I didn't mean any harm. My response was a joke. She blocked every single account of mine that she knows of.

I responded to one of her tweets with an apology because her DM's are off and I can't message her anywhere else now. I used a spare account. Didn't beg or anything. Just explained that I genuinely didn't mean any harm and was joking and that I understand that she's upset but it really was just a misunderstanding.

Since then she hasn't responded to the tweet or blocked the account I posted it on.

I just spent hours crying not knowing what to do. I feel sick. Like I'm gonna throw up, or pass out, or both. Everything I've ever cared about… It's all gone. All because I was an idiot and sent one text I could've just not sent and everything would be okay right now.

This is all my fault. All of this is my fault. I'm the one who made those threats months ago. I'm the one who spammed her with texts for ages. I'm the one who's now overstepped boundaries far too many times. It's my fault. I destroyed my own happiness and for what? For nothing?

I was talking to my mom about it (obviously leaving out the suicidal aspects) because I genuinely don't have anyone else to go to normally I go to the girl this is about when I'm upset and she said that when she first moved away from her parents house she felt really lonely and like she'd never find anyone and that eventually she had given up and accepted she never would. She said that was when she met my dad. The problem however is I already lived that. I already experienced that and found her. She was my everything. She is my everything. She's the only thing I stayed alive for. I was going to be dead over a year ago and I'm not solely because I met her.

I feel hopeless. Everything I've ever cared about just disappeared before my eyes. And she doesn't live here so I can't even do anything about it. She's in France. I'm Canadian. Her blocking me online is really the end if she doesn't forgive me. Which honestly I wouldn't blame her if she didn't.

I know I'm toxic. Trust me I'm aware. But is it really so much to ask to wanna be loved by the one person I've ever loved? I really do care about her. Like really fucking do. I know it's my fault and I've treated her horribly in the past but recently I have been trying to treat her better. And I was. Until todays disaster and I'm still not sure why it was such a big deal.

The only thing that's stopped me from committing until now has been the hope that things between us may change. Now there is no hope. No nothing. No her.

I can't do this. I know I can't. I promised her I wouldn't kms but does that really still apply now? Not really. She wouldn't give a fuck anyway. That's been proven in the past with a recent note I sent thinking I was gonna commit.

I don't think I'm gonna last much longer in this world. And for the first time in over a year I don't think anything is going to change that fact. Every time I've made posts like this in the past things have gotten better after. This time I truly do think she's had enough of my bullshit.

I don't blame her for being sick of me. I'd be sick of me too. But it really does hurt. A lot. I love her desperately and I'd do anything for her to be happy. I'm starting to realize now that my death may ultimately be what would make her happy.

This is the end. I'm taking this more seriously than I ever have. I don't want to live any longer than I have to. I don't want to live without her. The only problem now is that I have zero motivation to do anything and ironically suicide requires quite a bit of motivation to succeed at.

 

[jodes2]

Hey it's not the end of the world. If she reacted like that, maybe she's just not the right person for you. You can certainly find someone else. With any luck someone more on your level who gives you more of what you need and understands you. I know you formed a significant attachment to this person but you need to see this as a sign that there's someone more appropriate for you out there, waiting for the right person. You. This girl might still unblock you anyway, but you just don't seem quite right for each other. Maybe close, but not quite right. It's hard losing someone. Even when it's a really bad match sometimes! But I think you'll come out of this on the other side glad that you found someone more your style. Do what you can as soon as you're ready to start talking to other people. I don't think it would be healthy for you to wait for her to unblock you. I mean it might happen, and you can deal with that if and when you come to it, but honestly I think you should move on for your own best interest! I don't think she's treated you with enough respect! You deserve better

 

[ChocoholicSawako]

im sorry about what you are going through, i hope it gets better for you soon.
actually i once had similar experiences to yours:
we spent so much time together, even there was such a long distance between us (Europe and Asia). he comforted me so sweetly and softly when i cry my hardest being haunted by all my suicidal thoughts. he was so kind and cute, no words could ever describe 0.1% of that.
but i was totally a fool not keeping my mind when i was angry at so meaningless issues, i swore at him, he left me, blocked everything about me. i haven't seen or heard from him since then, even till this day.
so it WAS sad and it seemed there was no tomorrow for me. but i survived anyway. funnily, "time heals everything", its his most famous saying. i have forgotten almost everything about him and what he did except this sentence. its so powerful and wise, yes, it does heal.
so.. my story is just this. i hope you will get yourself out of this pain very soon, as time goes by.
hope i made it clear for i dont actually speak English. hugz and best wishes to you ^^

 

[Kurushii]

Losing someone from your life can be very heartbreaking, especially when that person is very dear to you. Human relationships are difficult to maintain, and sometimes we make mistakes and lose the people we care about. I had a similar experience with this. I once had a friend before whom I loved deeply and I overstepped boundaries which led her to block me. I didn't mean to do what I did, I just wasn't thinking completely straight. She also gave me warnings beforehand. And I didn't think what I said to make her block me was that serious either, but I suppose she saw it in a different way. It's been two years and I still miss her. But lately I've been focusing on myself, and have been feeling better about it. I tried to learn from my mistakes too, to make sure what happened doesn't happen again.

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now, I know how painfully soul-crushing it feels.

 

[FuneralCry]

That sounds really painful what you have to endure, it certainly is awful how so much endless suffering exists in this world and how what people go through can very easily just get worse and worse, and it's really understandable wishing to be free from this hellish world. But anyway, best wishes.