Discussion Sharing the reasons why I am going since I want to see if others feel the same

[GongLiFang]

So, originally I didn't plan on telling ANYONE about why I am leaving because I take power in my decision to CTB being my own. But I came across some things today that changed this a bit. Don't get me wrong I am not leaving a note for my body or anything and plan on burying journals etc. because I don't want the people in my real life knowing what happened or why. I don't really want to give people stuff to theorize about or whatever since this is my business and giving people fuel might cause people in my life to start blaming themselves or regretting things that shouldn't be stressed over. However, I got curious if anyone's reasons on this site are similar to mine.

I have seen lots of people on here have reasons like self loathing, having painful trauma, hitting a dead end in life, financial hardship, and stuff like that. Some of which I relate to as well. But I haven't seen people talk about my reasons often and was hoping to have some people to relate with.

I mainly am doing this because I have deep existential dread, stay with my here, I know this is like...the most young person problem ever and doesn't seem very legitimate but hear me out. I grew up religious and a few years ago I left so many of the world's issues had to be questioned again since I spent many years thinking that since in the end God would take care of the injustices of life and so on, I only had to worry about my own life. However, that isn't the case now and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders since I don't have faith that problems will all in due time be solved/cured. And over time this has just made me become extremely nihilistic or maybe more accurately pessimistic.

I see all the cruelness and stupidity of the world caused by the actions of those who are corrupt and can't help but go a bit crazy. Thinking of how many lives get mangled and ruined by morally messed up people makes me feel such deep sorrow and fear. I see how over my short life the planet itself is constantly getting attacked and maimed and I can only wonder if people will really truly care enough fast enough to save ourselves and preserve enough life to survive. I think about all of the people who watch institutions, businesses, and governments screw over everyone and everything and think nothing of it and just let it continue because they would rather be comfortable or be entertained. This world is just so deeply disturbed and whenever I think about this (at least once a day) I feel intense panic and unease. After all, I know at any moment more bad things happen and it can happen to me in a very real way next. I fall asleep most nights with my brain spinning knowing tomorrow I could wake up and my rights could be ripped away, a natural disaster could hit my city, global powers could engage in even more catastrophic warfare, I could be raped, wild fires or floods could destroy the supply chain of my country and leave me high and dry etc etc.

You see what I am saying? These concerns of the world/planet and my intense distrust of people could be combatted if I had some personal reasons to live, but I don't. I don't have anything I desire in life that I wish to experience or accomplish, there aren't any people I feel devoted to, and personally I think I am severely flawed and not worth the resources to be supported. So I really don't have a reason to be alive, so why am I? Living is so absurd for me because all I see is risk and suffering and I can't deal with it anymore. I can't shut the realities of the world off my radar. I feel like I know too much to feel at peace, and there is no God I can count on to pick up the pieces in order to come to terms with the short comings of our world.


Anyways, sorry for this novel but sincerely I am exhausted by the harshness of reality and can't stand this anymore. I can no longer handle the burden of our world and I can't bring myself to live a pointless life to just experience suffering and forever live with this pit in my stomach of intense existential panic and fear. I realize I am a coward and am giving into fear but honestly I don't really care. I don't mind dying a coward or a "tragedy" because living to be brave is so pointless and the opinions of others don't matter much anyways to me at this point.

If anyone relates to any degree please reach out, I refuse to believe that I am the only one that thinks this world is so absurd and cruel to the point that it is not worth living in.

 

[vinterland8]

Yes, I can relate to all of this rather specifically. Ironically though, I consider you much less of a nihilist now then you were in the past. The true nihilists are the people who destroy our planet, and declare strength "pride." They don't know they're nihilists, but they're ultimately complacent, or worse - hoping for the end. It's a noble desire to want the world to be free of injustice, but they certainly won't be contributing to that project. Of course, non-religious nihilism is just as decadent. Spiritual or (in our case) dialectical courage is the only way to break free, though I agree it's difficult to feel motivated in the midst of depression and pessimism. We are actually quite similar, I enjoyed your post quite a bit. I suspect we detest nihilism from different sides of the political spectrum though, haha.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so awful and unfair, more than anything I wish that I never existed. I am horrified by all the suffering in this world and just the fact that so much pain exists is enough to make me want to leave. I do not understand how people could ever want to live in a world that is as horrible as this, and life scares me. There is no limit as to how bad things can get. Life really is so pointless and unnecessary and I also see myself as having no reason to be here. I am only still alive as suicide is so difficult. I wish you the best.

 

[Releasefrompressure]

I think it is wise to leave a note. Least give people your point of view and clarify a few things. It will get overanalized but if you don't people will jump to conclusions they want to reach anyway and it could be way off the mark. Won't effect you but may have consequences on other people

 

[GongLiFang]

Yes, I can relate to all of this rather specifically. Ironically though, I consider you much less of a nihilist now then you were in the past. The true nihilists are the people who destroy our planet, and declare strength "pride." They don't know they're nihilists, but they're ultimately complacent, or worse - hoping for the end. It's a noble desire to want the world to be free of injustice, but they certainly won't be contributing to that project. Of course, non-religious nihilism is just as decadent. Spiritual or (in our case) dialectical courage is the only way to break free, though I agree it's difficult to feel motivated in the midst of depression and pessimism. We are actually quite similar, I enjoyed your post quite a bit. I suspect we detest nihilism from different sides of the political spectrum though, haha.

Thank you for the response, I am glad my woes can resonate with some people out there. And I guess you are right, I would probably be more of a nihilist if I just accepted all the horrors of life and ran with it for no reason and lived with no real meaning. But alas, here we are, in this crappy world where pretty much everyone does things wrong and instead of trying to scramble the pieces together I am just going to leave.

 

[Dr Iron Arc]

I admire your conviction though I'm pretty sure if you give people nothing, then they will DEFINITELY make up crazy theories about you. If any of them ever find out about this site they might even be compelled to believe that members here somehow tricked you as dumb as that sounds. No, it's better to at least give a clear, concise, and very believable reason to CTB for anyone who might care.

Give them fake clues for a fake reason if you have to but leaving nothing for them whatsoever is just going to get peoples' imaginations running wild if they care about you in the slightest. I'm assuming you are unsure if your reason would be considered enough to warrant suicide and you'd be correct that a lot of people probably wouldn't understand so it's probably better to just come up with a more cliche but compelling reason if for nothing else but to prevent errant curiosity.

 

[GongLiFang]

I think it is wise to leave a note. Least give people your point of view and clarify a few things. It will get overanalized but if you don't people will jump to conclusions they want to reach anyway and it could be way off the mark. Won't effect you but may have consequences on other people

I admire your conviction though I'm pretty sure if you give people nothing, then they will DEFINITELY make up crazy theories about you. If any of them ever find out about this site they might even be compelled to believe that members here somehow tricked you as dumb as that sounds. No, it's better to at least give a clear, concise, and very believable reason to CTB for anyone who might care.

Give them fake clues for a fake reason if you have to but leaving nothing for them whatsoever is just going to get peoples' imaginations running wild if they care about you in the slightest. I'm assuming you are unsure if your reason would be considered enough to warrant suicide and you'd be correct that a lot of people probably wouldn't understand so it's probably better to just come up with a more cliche but compelling reason if for nothing else but to prevent errant curiosity.

I suppose you are right and these are things to consider before I actually make the attempt and I might change my mind at the moment but at the same time I do like this being my private affair. But wild theories will happen if I don't do anything and I don't know what that might cause or if random people or things will receive blame for my choice. I don't know, maybe I am too selfish for a note but whatever the case may be I will be managing my computer the best to my abilities to give a different trail than this site. Because I know if the attempt fails I want to maintain my computer and access to SS for aid in future attempts and letting people know why I failed etc etc.
I got to take care of everyone here and make sure no added attention/blame comes to this site because of me.

 

[MicropBaldCurrycel]

i can relate to your way of thinking as im actually a Nihilist.

Life doesnt have any meaning but thats a good thing.

Its all just temporary.

The problems of the world dont lay on your shoulders so dont let them burden you.

nothing matters is a freeing phrase keep saying to yourself nothing matters and use it in a positive way.

also memento mori.

because of these, all your worries and stresses dont matter in the grand scheme of things you can relieve yourself of these stresses now.

whatever you decide is up to you only.

but keep saying to yourself "these are just thoughts"

the mind is a powerful thing and cant destroy you but changing how you think can change your life's perspective.

yeah i know cringey motivational bs but i hoped i helped u feel a bit better about life.

cheers friend.

 

[again_noidea]

So, originally I didn't plan on telling ANYONE about why I am leaving because I take power in my decision to CTB being my own. But I came across some things today that changed this a bit. Don't get me wrong I am not leaving a note for my body or anything and plan on burying journals etc. because I don't want the people in my real life knowing what happened or why. I don't really want to give people stuff to theorize about or whatever since this is my business and giving people fuel might cause people in my life to start blaming themselves or regretting things that shouldn't be stressed over. However, I got curious if anyone's reasons on this site are similar to mine.

I have seen lots of people on here have reasons like self loathing, having painful trauma, hitting a dead end in life, financial hardship, and stuff like that. Some of which I relate to as well. But I haven't seen people talk about my reasons often and was hoping to have some people to relate with.

I mainly am doing this because I have deep existential dread, stay with my here, I know this is like...the most young person problem ever and doesn't seem very legitimate but hear me out. I grew up religious and a few years ago I left so many of the world's issues had to be questioned again since I spent many years thinking that since in the end God would take care of the injustices of life and so on, I only had to worry about my own life. However, that isn't the case now and I feel the weight of the world on my shoulders since I don't have faith that problems will all in due time be solved/cured. And over time this has just made me become extremely nihilistic or maybe more accurately pessimistic.

I see all the cruelness and stupidity of the world caused by the actions of those who are corrupt and can't help but go a bit crazy. Thinking of how many lives get mangled and ruined by morally messed up people makes me feel such deep sorrow and fear. I see how over my short life the planet itself is constantly getting attacked and maimed and I can only wonder if people will really truly care enough fast enough to save ourselves and preserve enough life to survive. I think about all of the people who watch institutions, businesses, and governments screw over everyone and everything and think nothing of it and just let it continue because they would rather be comfortable or be entertained. This world is just so deeply disturbed and whenever I think about this (at least once a day) I feel intense panic and unease. After all, I know at any moment more bad things happen and it can happen to me in a very real way next. I fall asleep most nights with my brain spinning knowing tomorrow I could wake up and my rights could be ripped away, a natural disaster could hit my city, global powers could engage in even more catastrophic warfare, I could be raped, wild fires or floods could destroy the supply chain of my country and leave me high and dry etc etc.

You see what I am saying? These concerns of the world/planet and my intense distrust of people could be combatted if I had some personal reasons to live, but I don't. I don't have anything I desire in life that I wish to experience or accomplish, there aren't any people I feel devoted to, and personally I think I am severely flawed and not worth the resources to be supported. So I really don't have a reason to be alive, so why am I? Living is so absurd for me because all I see is risk and suffering and I can't deal with it anymore. I can't shut the realities of the world off my radar. I feel like I know too much to feel at peace, and there is no God I can count on to pick up the pieces in order to come to terms with the short comings of our world.


Anyways, sorry for this novel but sincerely I am exhausted by the harshness of reality and can't stand this anymore. I can no longer handle the burden of our world and I can't bring myself to live a pointless life to just experience suffering and forever live with this pit in my stomach of intense existential panic and fear. I realize I am a coward and am giving into fear but honestly I don't really care. I don't mind dying a coward or a "tragedy" because living to be brave is so pointless and the opinions of others don't matter much anyways to me at this point.

If anyone relates to any degree please reach out, I refuse to believe that I am the only one that thinks this world is so absurd and cruel to the point that it is not worth living in.

i can relate. the solution is simple: you need to find meaning in life. Some people cal it faith, others call it philosophy. Maybe take a look at Plotinus. there is a perennial philosophy, that is found in a lot of civilizations, go looking for that, because you need some metaphysical knowledge and certainty to endure his world. also, i believe that we have a responsibility for our life. Opting out without a good reason is not a clever option, although it might seem like the most obvious solution. The other thing is, you say that you became nihilistic, try to find good philosophical arguments against nihilism, they are out there. if you are a healthy human, you can do a lot of good things in this world, you can help others and you can help yourself.