Oathkeeper
Member
- Nov 1, 2023
- 45
Hey, SS. Long time lurker, only recently joined formally. I've been working on my note for almost a year now, and while I've not yet set a date, I generally sense that my time is starting to run thin. I figured I would share it with people that at least generally understand what I'm going through, mostly for therapeutic purposes. I won't be sharing too much about the situations that got me here, but for context, I have suffered for a long time due to MDD and BPD. Please note that I have changed certain words, names, etc. in order to avoid any potential doxxing or recognition. Feedback appreciated. Want to leave my loved ones with as few questions as possible.
_______________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
To my Loved ones.
If you're receiving this, you are somebody that I love very deeply. Some of you I see regularly, some of you I see infrequently, some of you I might not have spoken to in a long time. Some of you I've known for over a decade or more, some of you I've known relatively short in comparison. Either way, all of you have left a significant mark on my life, and it would not have felt right to leave any of you out of this. I just wanted to preface this by telling you all that I love you all very, very much, and that in my final moments, my thoughts rest solely with all of you. Regardless of where any of us stand today, of any of this notes content, my love for you is unwavering. I also want to say that I know this note is incredibly long; I want to leave you all with as few questions possible. Hopefully by the end, you will all fully understand why I've done this and why there was no chance of saving me. It's the least I can do in light of my decision. I could never forget the positive impact you all have left on my life, or all the memories we've shared. All of you are so talented, so smart, so amazing. I wish I was able to live up to all of you. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. I'm sorry I wasn't a better son, brother, friend, or significant other. I'm so unbelievably sorry to those of you that I've hurt and I'm sorry that I'm an utter failure of a person.
Most of you are aware to varying degrees about my mental health struggles. Please know that this is nobody else's fault but my own. I am fully lucid about the choice I am making, and have planned for this far in advance. This letter was originally written in earlier this year and I've been editing it ever since. I would have left this as a physical note, but I've read a lot of stories about police holding onto them for investigation purposes, and not allowing friends and family to read them for long periods of time. I am very aware of what I am doing and I am very present right now. Perhaps more in the moment than I have ever been. I don't know if that information will make this easier or harder for you all, but I thought it was important to mention, even if only to reassure you all that there wasn't anything anybody could do for me, and that I don't want any of you to blame yourselves or others for the finality of my decision. I really cannot stress that enough. This outcome is not the fault of anybody but myself. There is nothing anybody could have done to help me at this point. Please, take that to heart.
At some point I just had to recognize that happiness just isn't something that exists within me. There is a gaping hole in my heart that I am incapable of healing, one that has been there for as long as I can remember, one that cannot be filled with any amount of love, friendship, medication, or vices. There isn't anybody I'm here to blame or point fingers at except for myself. My problems run so much deeper than the past year, and they always have. I have been struggling with the pain of self awareness, self hatred and perfectionism since I was in middle school, when I first made an attempt on my life due to the crippling isolation and bullying I experienced at the time. I have been either actively or passively suicidal for over half of my life at this point. I always tried to tell myself that things would get better, but I know now that I am cursed. Cursed to always ruin the best parts of my life because they aren't as perfect as the fantasies I create in my head. I blame everybody but myself for my own fuck ups externally, but the reality is that internally I'm crucifying myself for everything.
I continuously partake in patterns of behavior that I cannot break, no matter how much I want to. I am broken beyond repair, and no longer have the strength to fight my demons. Some things just can't be fixed, and broken things like myself are incapable of truly loving or being loved back. I am haunted by my past, my present is unbearable, and the future does nothing but paralyze me with anxiety. Maybe it seems illogical to you all, but this is the only path that makes sense to me. Not that it would be logical to anybody anyways; the way my brain works doesn't even make sense to me. I'm not mad at anybody for that, least of all any of you. It's a complete failure on my part to communicate, to advocate for myself, and to understand anybody else myself. How could anybody ever understand me, if I can't even understand myself? I just don't know how to "love myself." I don't know how to just "move forward." That's the advice from people that will never, ever understand what it's like to be me. I have never loved myself, and I never, ever will. There isn't anything worth loving within me.
I have lost all sense of joy and passion, even for the hobbies and events I once loved. I used to get immersed in comics and video games so deeply, but now they're just a mild distraction. Any talents I may have are just a reminder to me that I will only ever be average. My favorite foods taste like ashes on my tongue. Exercise is just a weak outlet that doesn't channel enough of my thoughts. I can't even remember the last time I actually got excited about something. Everything just ends up being a disappointment. I don't know what got my life so bent out of shape. Maybe I was just born with this. Maybe I molded it myself in my arrogance, thinking that I was destined for greatness, even though I was certainly not. I have this version of myself in my head; one that is great at everything, successful, heroic, brave, and so much more. I constantly live in my head, a world where all of my favorite fictions are real. I wish I could fly, I wish I had super speed, I wish the natural beauties of those worlds were real. The reality is that I am none of those things. I am nothing but a day dreamer that has squandered every bit of talent I might have had. Despite knowing fiction from reality, I constantly compare my real self with my alternate self, and I simply do not add up. And the irony is that I'm actually the complete opposite of that idealized self. I am full of so much deep rooted anger towards myself, and towards the world. I am so deeply scared of this bubbling fury that I hide away every single day. I am an asshole who pretends to be so much more kind and noble than I actually am…and I resent myself for that.
My actions never match my words. I act like I'm so intelligent, yet I constantly make awful decisions. I am such a habitual liar that I basically make different personas for every person I know. It doesn't benefit me in any way. All it does is cause me anxiety. I don't know why I feel the need to do it. Maybe it's to protect myself, but from what, I have never known. Despite how much I love you all, I don't think that I have ever trusted any of you with my whole heart. I don't say that to hurt you. It's more of a reflection of my inability to trust myself, but I digress. I wish I could stop this behavior and pattern of thinking, but I find myself incapable of change. I don't know it there has ever been a singular "MY NAME." I don't think "MY NAME" has existed for many years. He's been dead for a long time. All you've ever known is just the smoldered husk that was left behind in wake of the original's ego death more than a decade ago. I am so splintered, leaving me feeling like I don't have any sense of belonging in this world. But for once, in this moment, I feel like maybe I actually have agency over my own existence. And at the very least, my faulty genetics will finally end with me.
I promise you all that I tried. I tried. I tried. I tried so fucking hard to fight this. I have tried so hard to find meaning in my life, and I just can't. I spent years on medication before and did get back on them recently since April of this year. It just doesn't work for me. It just doesn't work. All it does is numb you, silence you, it doesn't fix anything. Hell, I went to the hospital for a week, a residential treatment facility for a month, and an outpatient program for another two. And it just didn't work. Therapy doesn't work, treatment doesn't work, medication doesn't work, exercise doesn't work, having a career doesn't work, my hobbies don't work, drugs don't work, sex doesn't work, love doesn't work. Nothing ever gets better. Everybody always says things "get better." They don't. They just don't. I always hear the saying "don't make a permanent decision based on temporary problems." Sure, maybe the extremes are temporary, but the unhappiness and discontent that I feel every single day has been a part of me for as long as I can remember now. I spent years and years rebuilding myself just to get a brief respite of things "being better" before it all came crashing down again. And that better will linger over me and haunt me until the end of time. I had a future, a real future, but instead of cashing in, I lost everything all over again. And again. And again. There is nothing in this world for me. My nihilism is an intrinsic part of who I am. Please don't misunderstand the meaning of my nihilism; it's not that I believe any of you have no value, that there is no future, it's that I believe that MY life has no value and that I don't have a future that's worth living.
I'm tired of living a broken life where I'm constantly picking up the pieces around me and vaguely hoping to put them together. I'm tired of a life where the only escape from my thoughts is having 3-4 screens on at once. Tired of the mental breakdowns and crushing loneliness that has brought me to ruin. I'm tired of a life where I get glimpses of happiness just often enough to give me meager amounts of hope, only for it to be dashed in spectacular fashion. I'm tired of existing this way. So unbelievably tired. I can't put together any semblance or facade of being okay anymore. No matter how many times I do that, no matter how sturdy of a foundation I try to build, it always comes tumbling down, leaving me with nothing. And every time I find myself with less and less pieces, leaving me more hollow than before. And that's what I am. Hollow. Nobody. Empty. Incomplete. Pathetic. Lonely. Miserable. Nihilistic. Hopeless. I am a monster, a loser, a cheater, a liar, and a failure. My heart is an abyss, a deep chasm where misery festers and light goes to die.
I understand that everybody has problems, and that everybody struggles through life at times, but I am incapable of ever fixing myself to a point where I am actually a functioning human being. This leads me to the only natural conclusion, which is that I am utterly broken. None of you need something as broken as me around to hold you back from your potential. I am deeply sick, and the reality is that sick people die. This world has beaten me down to my core, and has left me with nothing to offer to you all, or anybody else for that matter. If I ever made you feel like you weren't good enough, I'm sorry. That was never the case. The reality is that I was never good enough for myself, let alone all of you. I understand that this will temporarily sting, but the truth of the matter is that every single one of you will be far better off in the long run without me around, and I truly believe that.
The reality is that my mind has become warped to the point of no return. My daydreams have turned into something twisted and sadistic. I don't fantasize heroics anymore; my thoughts have turned into bitter malice directed towards myself and others; strangers, acquaintances, and loved ones alike. If I did not take the dire steps I am taking now, I know in my heart that would eventually hurt somebody. I can't let that happen. That's not the person I've ever been, it's not who I want to be, but it is who I am slowly becoming. This malignant darkness is festering inside of me, and I don't know how to stop it anymore. I don't know how it got like this. I think maybe it has gotten to a point where the only way my pain could ever be understood is to purposefully inflict it upon others, or rather myself. At the very least, I can die knowing that I have snuffed that sadistic dogma out of this world.
I just….I just don't see a future anymore. Everything has gone completely blank. Everywhere I look, it's just utter catastrophe. I can't take anymore sleepless nights or painful days. I'm tired of waking up and crying every morning. Tired of being harassed by painful memories no matter where I go. Tired of struggling through the most simple of days. And to think that I truly, finally had everything I'd ever wanted, just to turn it into a complete train wreck, to destroy it like I do to everything and everybody around me. The guilt I live with everyday rots me away to my core. Guilt that I have never wanted for any sort of necessity, yet find myself more miserable than any homeless or terminally ill person. Guilt that I consistently break the trust of people that I love unconditionally. Guilt that I hurt said loved ones, not just through my horrible actions, but simply by the sheer weight of my emotional pain. Guilt that I aborted my child, and the life I never gave them a chance to live. Guilt that I crushed the heart of the woman I loved more than anything. And maybe more so than anything else, guilt that I was a pathetic and frail loser of a son that was incapable of making his father proud. I can't forgive myself for any of it, because I once foolishly believed I was a better person than that, that I was a shining example of a good person. But in truth, I'm just an amalgamation of the worst traits humanity has to offer.
I have suffered for over half of my life at this point. All I can think about, for months now, is the fall to the ground, and how liberating it will feel once my final breath has exited my body. I just can't put on this mask anymore and synthesize any more fake smiles. God, the endless fake smiles and forced laughter. The constant meandering, the pointless banter, the artificial sparkle behind my eyes. It all hurts too much, and it is insufferable. Maybe I did have a purpose on this Earth at one point, but that time has long passed. People say suicide is selfish; but I say selfish is anyone wanting me to live a life that actively tortures me, just so that they don't have to feel bad about my passing for a short period of time. Nothing can change the fact that I simply don't want to be here anymore, imprisoned in my own head. My life simply is not worth living. Maybe the future can be anything, but I am no longer interested. It won't ever hold anything but suffering for me and for the people that have been cursed to know me. Forever scarred, I am all too conscious of the absurdity of it all, and I am too keenly aware of the shadows that have control of my heart. I'm out of strength, out of patience, out of hope, out of time. The ride of life is just too turbulent for somebody as weak as me. Much as it pains me to admit, the reality is that I hate myself far more than I have ever loved any of you.
I really do mean that. I loathe myself. I despise everything about me. I am a despicable, miserable little shit full of hatred and sadness. I am a complete burden to everybody around me in every possible way. There is nothing to love about myself, because even the meager positive traits I do possess I have either completely squandered, or were never that significant to begin with. The only way to fix this faulty bug in the game is to remove myself from the board. You will all be so much more without me in the picture, and there is nothing that makes me believe otherwise. Nobody will ever again have their ability to trust ruined again, nobody will ever have to worry about my mental health again, and nobody will ever have to be burdened by me.
My only regret about my decision is that I won't be able to see the amazing things you all do, or to spend time and laugh with you all. I've mostly been able to come to terms with that; most of my life is nothing but regret anyways. Everybody receiving this is somebody truly exceptional, beacons of light in my life. But the smothering darkness clouding the world between those beacons is something I find myself unable to navigate through. The only solace I know is knowing that I won't be able to feel any of this soon enough. Returning to nothing, becoming nobody is the only option I have left. The only option I have for salvation lies within the darkness that consumes me. The only purpose I have left, lies in death. It's not that I "wanted" to make this decision, but the only light at the end of the tunnel is just the incandescent flickering of hellfire. And if all of my beliefs are wrong, and God is as real as that hell, I am sure that I will end up there, so that I can finally be in a place that reflects the ashen wasteland of my inner world.
The all consuming sorrow, regret and self hatred in my life is just too overwhelming, and the positives aren't enough to tether me here anymore. I am tired. I am so very tired, and I am ready to go to sleep. Ready to close my eyes and fade to black. Because no matter how many roofs I've ever lived under, I am completely and utterly emotionally homeless, with nowhere to belong. No matter where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, I feel completely and utterly alone. I've realized that this outcome was never a matter of if, but when. I just want the pain to stop. I can't forgive myself for the terrible things I've done. And so, I will die as I was meant to; alone. That's the only thing a freak like me deserves. Again, I cannot stress enough that this is nobody's fault but my own. I hope one day you all can forgive me and find peace with what I've done. Just because it's time for my life to end, doesn't mean that any of yours have to be put on hold. Please be better than me. I wish I could have given you all the world, but I was incapable of giving you anything of value at all. These words are all I have left. In the end, I just wasn't good enough for the amazing friends and family I was blessed with.
"FINAL WISHES PARAGRAPH."
I'm so sorry, everyone. The darkness in my heart won, and I just couldn't bring myself to fight it any longer. I've been fighting this endless suffering for so long, and I finally came to the conclusion that this was the only form of relief for me. I held on for as long as I could, but I have run out of hope. I have been blessed enough to experience most of the things I wanted to in life, but what remains is simply out of reach for me. I love you all with my entire being, whatever is left of it. I wish nothing but peace and prosperity for every one of you. I hope I will see you all again one day, in a beautiful place far beyond the stars.
Goodbye.
Yours truly, always and forever,
FULL NAME
NICKNAME
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To my Loved ones.
If you're receiving this, you are somebody that I love very deeply. Some of you I see regularly, some of you I see infrequently, some of you I might not have spoken to in a long time. Some of you I've known for over a decade or more, some of you I've known relatively short in comparison. Either way, all of you have left a significant mark on my life, and it would not have felt right to leave any of you out of this. I just wanted to preface this by telling you all that I love you all very, very much, and that in my final moments, my thoughts rest solely with all of you. Regardless of where any of us stand today, of any of this notes content, my love for you is unwavering. I also want to say that I know this note is incredibly long; I want to leave you all with as few questions possible. Hopefully by the end, you will all fully understand why I've done this and why there was no chance of saving me. It's the least I can do in light of my decision. I could never forget the positive impact you all have left on my life, or all the memories we've shared. All of you are so talented, so smart, so amazing. I wish I was able to live up to all of you. I'm sorry I wasn't stronger. I'm sorry I wasn't a better son, brother, friend, or significant other. I'm so unbelievably sorry to those of you that I've hurt and I'm sorry that I'm an utter failure of a person.
Most of you are aware to varying degrees about my mental health struggles. Please know that this is nobody else's fault but my own. I am fully lucid about the choice I am making, and have planned for this far in advance. This letter was originally written in earlier this year and I've been editing it ever since. I would have left this as a physical note, but I've read a lot of stories about police holding onto them for investigation purposes, and not allowing friends and family to read them for long periods of time. I am very aware of what I am doing and I am very present right now. Perhaps more in the moment than I have ever been. I don't know if that information will make this easier or harder for you all, but I thought it was important to mention, even if only to reassure you all that there wasn't anything anybody could do for me, and that I don't want any of you to blame yourselves or others for the finality of my decision. I really cannot stress that enough. This outcome is not the fault of anybody but myself. There is nothing anybody could have done to help me at this point. Please, take that to heart.
At some point I just had to recognize that happiness just isn't something that exists within me. There is a gaping hole in my heart that I am incapable of healing, one that has been there for as long as I can remember, one that cannot be filled with any amount of love, friendship, medication, or vices. There isn't anybody I'm here to blame or point fingers at except for myself. My problems run so much deeper than the past year, and they always have. I have been struggling with the pain of self awareness, self hatred and perfectionism since I was in middle school, when I first made an attempt on my life due to the crippling isolation and bullying I experienced at the time. I have been either actively or passively suicidal for over half of my life at this point. I always tried to tell myself that things would get better, but I know now that I am cursed. Cursed to always ruin the best parts of my life because they aren't as perfect as the fantasies I create in my head. I blame everybody but myself for my own fuck ups externally, but the reality is that internally I'm crucifying myself for everything.
I continuously partake in patterns of behavior that I cannot break, no matter how much I want to. I am broken beyond repair, and no longer have the strength to fight my demons. Some things just can't be fixed, and broken things like myself are incapable of truly loving or being loved back. I am haunted by my past, my present is unbearable, and the future does nothing but paralyze me with anxiety. Maybe it seems illogical to you all, but this is the only path that makes sense to me. Not that it would be logical to anybody anyways; the way my brain works doesn't even make sense to me. I'm not mad at anybody for that, least of all any of you. It's a complete failure on my part to communicate, to advocate for myself, and to understand anybody else myself. How could anybody ever understand me, if I can't even understand myself? I just don't know how to "love myself." I don't know how to just "move forward." That's the advice from people that will never, ever understand what it's like to be me. I have never loved myself, and I never, ever will. There isn't anything worth loving within me.
I have lost all sense of joy and passion, even for the hobbies and events I once loved. I used to get immersed in comics and video games so deeply, but now they're just a mild distraction. Any talents I may have are just a reminder to me that I will only ever be average. My favorite foods taste like ashes on my tongue. Exercise is just a weak outlet that doesn't channel enough of my thoughts. I can't even remember the last time I actually got excited about something. Everything just ends up being a disappointment. I don't know what got my life so bent out of shape. Maybe I was just born with this. Maybe I molded it myself in my arrogance, thinking that I was destined for greatness, even though I was certainly not. I have this version of myself in my head; one that is great at everything, successful, heroic, brave, and so much more. I constantly live in my head, a world where all of my favorite fictions are real. I wish I could fly, I wish I had super speed, I wish the natural beauties of those worlds were real. The reality is that I am none of those things. I am nothing but a day dreamer that has squandered every bit of talent I might have had. Despite knowing fiction from reality, I constantly compare my real self with my alternate self, and I simply do not add up. And the irony is that I'm actually the complete opposite of that idealized self. I am full of so much deep rooted anger towards myself, and towards the world. I am so deeply scared of this bubbling fury that I hide away every single day. I am an asshole who pretends to be so much more kind and noble than I actually am…and I resent myself for that.
My actions never match my words. I act like I'm so intelligent, yet I constantly make awful decisions. I am such a habitual liar that I basically make different personas for every person I know. It doesn't benefit me in any way. All it does is cause me anxiety. I don't know why I feel the need to do it. Maybe it's to protect myself, but from what, I have never known. Despite how much I love you all, I don't think that I have ever trusted any of you with my whole heart. I don't say that to hurt you. It's more of a reflection of my inability to trust myself, but I digress. I wish I could stop this behavior and pattern of thinking, but I find myself incapable of change. I don't know it there has ever been a singular "MY NAME." I don't think "MY NAME" has existed for many years. He's been dead for a long time. All you've ever known is just the smoldered husk that was left behind in wake of the original's ego death more than a decade ago. I am so splintered, leaving me feeling like I don't have any sense of belonging in this world. But for once, in this moment, I feel like maybe I actually have agency over my own existence. And at the very least, my faulty genetics will finally end with me.
I promise you all that I tried. I tried. I tried. I tried so fucking hard to fight this. I have tried so hard to find meaning in my life, and I just can't. I spent years on medication before and did get back on them recently since April of this year. It just doesn't work for me. It just doesn't work. All it does is numb you, silence you, it doesn't fix anything. Hell, I went to the hospital for a week, a residential treatment facility for a month, and an outpatient program for another two. And it just didn't work. Therapy doesn't work, treatment doesn't work, medication doesn't work, exercise doesn't work, having a career doesn't work, my hobbies don't work, drugs don't work, sex doesn't work, love doesn't work. Nothing ever gets better. Everybody always says things "get better." They don't. They just don't. I always hear the saying "don't make a permanent decision based on temporary problems." Sure, maybe the extremes are temporary, but the unhappiness and discontent that I feel every single day has been a part of me for as long as I can remember now. I spent years and years rebuilding myself just to get a brief respite of things "being better" before it all came crashing down again. And that better will linger over me and haunt me until the end of time. I had a future, a real future, but instead of cashing in, I lost everything all over again. And again. And again. There is nothing in this world for me. My nihilism is an intrinsic part of who I am. Please don't misunderstand the meaning of my nihilism; it's not that I believe any of you have no value, that there is no future, it's that I believe that MY life has no value and that I don't have a future that's worth living.
I'm tired of living a broken life where I'm constantly picking up the pieces around me and vaguely hoping to put them together. I'm tired of a life where the only escape from my thoughts is having 3-4 screens on at once. Tired of the mental breakdowns and crushing loneliness that has brought me to ruin. I'm tired of a life where I get glimpses of happiness just often enough to give me meager amounts of hope, only for it to be dashed in spectacular fashion. I'm tired of existing this way. So unbelievably tired. I can't put together any semblance or facade of being okay anymore. No matter how many times I do that, no matter how sturdy of a foundation I try to build, it always comes tumbling down, leaving me with nothing. And every time I find myself with less and less pieces, leaving me more hollow than before. And that's what I am. Hollow. Nobody. Empty. Incomplete. Pathetic. Lonely. Miserable. Nihilistic. Hopeless. I am a monster, a loser, a cheater, a liar, and a failure. My heart is an abyss, a deep chasm where misery festers and light goes to die.
I understand that everybody has problems, and that everybody struggles through life at times, but I am incapable of ever fixing myself to a point where I am actually a functioning human being. This leads me to the only natural conclusion, which is that I am utterly broken. None of you need something as broken as me around to hold you back from your potential. I am deeply sick, and the reality is that sick people die. This world has beaten me down to my core, and has left me with nothing to offer to you all, or anybody else for that matter. If I ever made you feel like you weren't good enough, I'm sorry. That was never the case. The reality is that I was never good enough for myself, let alone all of you. I understand that this will temporarily sting, but the truth of the matter is that every single one of you will be far better off in the long run without me around, and I truly believe that.
The reality is that my mind has become warped to the point of no return. My daydreams have turned into something twisted and sadistic. I don't fantasize heroics anymore; my thoughts have turned into bitter malice directed towards myself and others; strangers, acquaintances, and loved ones alike. If I did not take the dire steps I am taking now, I know in my heart that would eventually hurt somebody. I can't let that happen. That's not the person I've ever been, it's not who I want to be, but it is who I am slowly becoming. This malignant darkness is festering inside of me, and I don't know how to stop it anymore. I don't know how it got like this. I think maybe it has gotten to a point where the only way my pain could ever be understood is to purposefully inflict it upon others, or rather myself. At the very least, I can die knowing that I have snuffed that sadistic dogma out of this world.
I just….I just don't see a future anymore. Everything has gone completely blank. Everywhere I look, it's just utter catastrophe. I can't take anymore sleepless nights or painful days. I'm tired of waking up and crying every morning. Tired of being harassed by painful memories no matter where I go. Tired of struggling through the most simple of days. And to think that I truly, finally had everything I'd ever wanted, just to turn it into a complete train wreck, to destroy it like I do to everything and everybody around me. The guilt I live with everyday rots me away to my core. Guilt that I have never wanted for any sort of necessity, yet find myself more miserable than any homeless or terminally ill person. Guilt that I consistently break the trust of people that I love unconditionally. Guilt that I hurt said loved ones, not just through my horrible actions, but simply by the sheer weight of my emotional pain. Guilt that I aborted my child, and the life I never gave them a chance to live. Guilt that I crushed the heart of the woman I loved more than anything. And maybe more so than anything else, guilt that I was a pathetic and frail loser of a son that was incapable of making his father proud. I can't forgive myself for any of it, because I once foolishly believed I was a better person than that, that I was a shining example of a good person. But in truth, I'm just an amalgamation of the worst traits humanity has to offer.
I have suffered for over half of my life at this point. All I can think about, for months now, is the fall to the ground, and how liberating it will feel once my final breath has exited my body. I just can't put on this mask anymore and synthesize any more fake smiles. God, the endless fake smiles and forced laughter. The constant meandering, the pointless banter, the artificial sparkle behind my eyes. It all hurts too much, and it is insufferable. Maybe I did have a purpose on this Earth at one point, but that time has long passed. People say suicide is selfish; but I say selfish is anyone wanting me to live a life that actively tortures me, just so that they don't have to feel bad about my passing for a short period of time. Nothing can change the fact that I simply don't want to be here anymore, imprisoned in my own head. My life simply is not worth living. Maybe the future can be anything, but I am no longer interested. It won't ever hold anything but suffering for me and for the people that have been cursed to know me. Forever scarred, I am all too conscious of the absurdity of it all, and I am too keenly aware of the shadows that have control of my heart. I'm out of strength, out of patience, out of hope, out of time. The ride of life is just too turbulent for somebody as weak as me. Much as it pains me to admit, the reality is that I hate myself far more than I have ever loved any of you.
I really do mean that. I loathe myself. I despise everything about me. I am a despicable, miserable little shit full of hatred and sadness. I am a complete burden to everybody around me in every possible way. There is nothing to love about myself, because even the meager positive traits I do possess I have either completely squandered, or were never that significant to begin with. The only way to fix this faulty bug in the game is to remove myself from the board. You will all be so much more without me in the picture, and there is nothing that makes me believe otherwise. Nobody will ever again have their ability to trust ruined again, nobody will ever have to worry about my mental health again, and nobody will ever have to be burdened by me.
My only regret about my decision is that I won't be able to see the amazing things you all do, or to spend time and laugh with you all. I've mostly been able to come to terms with that; most of my life is nothing but regret anyways. Everybody receiving this is somebody truly exceptional, beacons of light in my life. But the smothering darkness clouding the world between those beacons is something I find myself unable to navigate through. The only solace I know is knowing that I won't be able to feel any of this soon enough. Returning to nothing, becoming nobody is the only option I have left. The only option I have for salvation lies within the darkness that consumes me. The only purpose I have left, lies in death. It's not that I "wanted" to make this decision, but the only light at the end of the tunnel is just the incandescent flickering of hellfire. And if all of my beliefs are wrong, and God is as real as that hell, I am sure that I will end up there, so that I can finally be in a place that reflects the ashen wasteland of my inner world.
The all consuming sorrow, regret and self hatred in my life is just too overwhelming, and the positives aren't enough to tether me here anymore. I am tired. I am so very tired, and I am ready to go to sleep. Ready to close my eyes and fade to black. Because no matter how many roofs I've ever lived under, I am completely and utterly emotionally homeless, with nowhere to belong. No matter where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing, I feel completely and utterly alone. I've realized that this outcome was never a matter of if, but when. I just want the pain to stop. I can't forgive myself for the terrible things I've done. And so, I will die as I was meant to; alone. That's the only thing a freak like me deserves. Again, I cannot stress enough that this is nobody's fault but my own. I hope one day you all can forgive me and find peace with what I've done. Just because it's time for my life to end, doesn't mean that any of yours have to be put on hold. Please be better than me. I wish I could have given you all the world, but I was incapable of giving you anything of value at all. These words are all I have left. In the end, I just wasn't good enough for the amazing friends and family I was blessed with.
"FINAL WISHES PARAGRAPH."
I'm so sorry, everyone. The darkness in my heart won, and I just couldn't bring myself to fight it any longer. I've been fighting this endless suffering for so long, and I finally came to the conclusion that this was the only form of relief for me. I held on for as long as I could, but I have run out of hope. I have been blessed enough to experience most of the things I wanted to in life, but what remains is simply out of reach for me. I love you all with my entire being, whatever is left of it. I wish nothing but peace and prosperity for every one of you. I hope I will see you all again one day, in a beautiful place far beyond the stars.
Goodbye.
Yours truly, always and forever,
FULL NAME
NICKNAME
im with u
