I'm 23 years old (nearly, in a week and a half) but I've done a lot of bad things in my life. A LOT of bad things, most I don't feel comfortable to share. Most concern my ex boyfriend, my only boyfriend, who died of a mixed drug overdose in March.
Tonight I had an argument with his MARRIED neighbour, who, when on a 'break' from her fiancé (still living with him 2 doors down) had a thing with him. For months she's been upsetting me - acting like his girlfriend, making me jealous, despite having a partner and family of her own. Tonight I was honest about my feelings, how her feelings wernt really a comparison to mine. Like despite doing awful things to him, I still cared a lot and did a lot for him, we were together for almost 5 years and baring in mind we got together when I was a couple of weeks off 17. He's pretty much been the majority of my adult life. So it hurts - having someone act like they knew and got him more. She basically come back and told me I didn't deserve to grieve after how badly I treated him and that she was still in contact with the family (which I didn't know). She also told me she identified his body which I didn't know. I've been trying so hard to resist suicide but after her telling me tonight how I don't deserve to grieve, how bad I treated him (which is something that tortures me everyday already), I do feel like I have no other way out now than to mill myself. I wanted to stay alive for my family, who are amazing and I'm so grateful for, but I had a big part in causing this 25 year olds death, this amazing fucking person who I always shot down and made feel like shit, and I honestly feel like the only way I can repent is to die too.
Sorry I'm just venting I guess. My minds made up. But im scared and selfishly I don't want to do it - although I know I have to, it's the only way to make things right. I'm never gonna be able to find happiness with this guilt and regret on my back anyway. I suffered before, diagnosed BPD 2 years ago almost and been with mental health services for about 8 1/2 years. I've always been a mess. But he didn't deserve to have it taken out on I'm him no matter how much I was hurting. So in honour of him, I have to go.
I'm also having major upset about the abortion I had at 17. I had sex with him knowing I could get pregnant, kinda wanting to. He took the same risk. When I did, we were both suprised tho. I guess we both didn't think we had it in us. But we did, and he tried to stop me, but I was scared and my parents didn't really talk to me about options so I did it, and 6 years later it still haunts me. I'm such a shit person. I did so much to ruin our relationship. At times, when I felt out of control, I hit him, and the things I said had no limits. In that moment I wanted to hurt him. There's no way back from this. I'm an abuser and a borderline murderer. I deserve to die.
any quick, simple methods would be appreciated. I want to put my amazing family through as little pain as possible, but after tonight, I'm sure this is what I want to within the next 12 months at least. Any help would be so appreciated. Thanks.
Tonight I had an argument with his MARRIED neighbour, who, when on a 'break' from her fiancé (still living with him 2 doors down) had a thing with him. For months she's been upsetting me - acting like his girlfriend, making me jealous, despite having a partner and family of her own. Tonight I was honest about my feelings, how her feelings wernt really a comparison to mine. Like despite doing awful things to him, I still cared a lot and did a lot for him, we were together for almost 5 years and baring in mind we got together when I was a couple of weeks off 17. He's pretty much been the majority of my adult life. So it hurts - having someone act like they knew and got him more. She basically come back and told me I didn't deserve to grieve after how badly I treated him and that she was still in contact with the family (which I didn't know). She also told me she identified his body which I didn't know. I've been trying so hard to resist suicide but after her telling me tonight how I don't deserve to grieve, how bad I treated him (which is something that tortures me everyday already), I do feel like I have no other way out now than to mill myself. I wanted to stay alive for my family, who are amazing and I'm so grateful for, but I had a big part in causing this 25 year olds death, this amazing fucking person who I always shot down and made feel like shit, and I honestly feel like the only way I can repent is to die too.
Sorry I'm just venting I guess. My minds made up. But im scared and selfishly I don't want to do it - although I know I have to, it's the only way to make things right. I'm never gonna be able to find happiness with this guilt and regret on my back anyway. I suffered before, diagnosed BPD 2 years ago almost and been with mental health services for about 8 1/2 years. I've always been a mess. But he didn't deserve to have it taken out on I'm him no matter how much I was hurting. So in honour of him, I have to go.
I'm also having major upset about the abortion I had at 17. I had sex with him knowing I could get pregnant, kinda wanting to. He took the same risk. When I did, we were both suprised tho. I guess we both didn't think we had it in us. But we did, and he tried to stop me, but I was scared and my parents didn't really talk to me about options so I did it, and 6 years later it still haunts me. I'm such a shit person. I did so much to ruin our relationship. At times, when I felt out of control, I hit him, and the things I said had no limits. In that moment I wanted to hurt him. There's no way back from this. I'm an abuser and a borderline murderer. I deserve to die.
any quick, simple methods would be appreciated. I want to put my amazing family through as little pain as possible, but after tonight, I'm sure this is what I want to within the next 12 months at least. Any help would be so appreciated. Thanks.
