Venting SH is my relief and I'm addicted,how to deal with it?

[Seele]

Hello People
Recently I had an insane urge to kill myself, and I tried to go to the hospital, but I waited so long and so many people passed in front of me that I had to look for something to relieve it because I was freaking out, I left the hospital and tried to buy alcohol with the highest strength possible, and I bought blades, of all the times I've done SH this was the best, I've never felt so much relief from doing that, it's as if I had been regenerated.I feel wrong saying that I enjoy SH
But I'm afraid that now I'll always resort to this, my country's healthcare system is rubbish, so I have to find a way for my madness, even if I have to die bleeding.

 

[painoflife]

Im sorry you were not able to get the help you needed when you needed it most. You were brave to go there and I wish things had worked out better so you didn't need to resort to this.
I dont want to say SH is good but in this instance it was the better of the two options by the sound of things. You have doubts about suicide so when them urges are there you at least were able to distract yourself from them. It might be helpful to look for less harmful ways to distract yourself, its hard to find something which gives that same relief so maybe brainstorm ideas of things you enjoy which you can get that buzz from like gaming or something you can completely immerse yourself in where RL shit is forgotten for a while. Im not being naive and trying to sound preachy because I am also in that same pit of dispair so I know it isn't that simple. The problem with SH is that it always has to be worse each time to give you that same high afterwards and that can quickly lead to serious medical problems so I would always tell people to stop before they become addicted to it.
I hope that if you feel able to reach out to the professionals again they are able to help you