Venting Sexual trauma

[Journeytoletgo]

I have been in a string of abusive sexual situations with men. I don't want to have sex anymore. At 22 I had sex one time and cut him off, 3-4 years later I had sex again with a stranger for a year and developed interest in because I struggle to connect emotionally, still using alcohol got in another abusive sexual experience offering another man sex, then another man from tinder and one from whisper I can't even enjoy sex anymore. That's five men I'm tired and emotionally drained is it possible to heal? It seems this is attached to emotional abuse from childhood and bullying, isolation and my alcohol abuse I feel like I had potential before sex

Why do I attach my self worth to sex?
Like I wanted to unpack my parents parenting styles, develop myself socially, and then accept my physical appearance even on the worse days before being sexually active. Isolation and these sexual experiences tired me out and I ruminate because of my anxiety.

 

[loyalskateboard]

You've probably already thought of this, but therapy seems like your best bet. If that's not an option, you could do some of the work yourself. It sounds like a lot the issues come from your childhood. Inner child work seems like a good place to start. I'm not sure what your parents were like, but a book such as "Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents" could be helpful. Maybe some workbooks on self compassion and self confidence. Since you're isolated/ruminate/struggle with social skills, making more friends and connections is a safer place to start than hook ups. It is possible to heal, but it will take time. These issues didn't develop overnight and they won't be solved overnight.

 

[Walilamdzii]

If it makes you feel any better I've been with 20-30 men and I regret the majority of it. I was assaulted on 4 different occasions too. I agree with the other post that therapy might help, I'm trying that at the moment. I am pretty much celibate now, I slept with someone earlier this year but didn't really want to, I was pressured into it. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship again.

 

[Journeytoletgo]

If it makes you feel any better I've been with 20-30 men and I regret the majority of it. I was assaulted on 4 different occasions too. I agree with the other post that therapy might help, I'm trying that at the moment. I am pretty much celibate now, I slept with someone earlier this year but didn't really want to, I was pressured into it. I can't imagine myself being in a relationship again.

I'm sorry that happened to you. That's awful I'm sorry. I regret it everytime it demotivated me to want to work and instead leech which aren't good patterns for the long term