NSFW sex as self harm

[Okokaykay]

This might sound really stupid and I'm actually not sure how to talk about this at all.

Ive noticed I kinda have a habit of throwing myself at people whenever I'm really low. I don't enjoy sex- I'm too anxious, too in my head and far too insecure.
But sometimes the desire to be wanted is so strong that I'll take it wherever I can get it. I leave my time with others feeling so repulsed by myself, or sometimes the whole experience will be painful. More often than not, I don't feel present at all- But I still do it.

I saw someone else talk of similar experiences and refer to it as self harm, which kinda makes sense? I have a long history of self harm in general lol.
Idk-
I feel like such a freak for falling back into these habits again. I have very few friends and I've never really been in a relationship- Its such a pathetic way to seek intimacy, especially since it doesn't make me any less lonely. I feel so alone.

 

[Jolene79]

This might sound really stupid and I'm actually not sure how to talk about this at all.

Ive noticed I kinda have a habit of throwing myself at people whenever I'm really low. I don't enjoy sex- I'm too anxious, too in my head and far too insecure.
But sometimes the desire to be wanted is so strong that I'll take it wherever I can get it. I leave my time with others feeling so repulsed by myself, or sometimes the whole experience will be painful. More often than not, I don't feel present at all- But I still do it.

I saw someone else talk of similar experiences and refer to it as self harm, which kinda makes sense? I have a long history of self harm in general lol.
Idk-
I feel like such a freak for falling back into these habits again. I have very few friends and I've never really been in a relationship- Its such a pathetic way to seek intimacy, especially since it doesn't make me any less lonely. I feel so alone.

Are you female? I am an older lady ( late 40s,). Myself and many friends spent years in our youth having unfulfilling drunken one night stands and just saw it as normal. But only as an older adult do I see how awful that was for my soul. I have had counselling for years and I'm lucky to have a great counsellor who is female. I realised, like you already do, that this is a real self esteem issue and is akin to self abuse. I think the desperate longing for some warmth and connection if you aren't getting it elsewhere leads to this scenario.

I imagine you are pretty young still and just looking for love in the wrong place? Is that too simplistic?
As a woman, it absolutely makes us more lonely. I believe we release oxytocin in a way males don't during sex, so biologically, casual sex is really problematic for women, even if we profess to be modern and free and emancipated.

 

[Life_and_Death]

i do the same thing to a degree. i dont really have the chance to talk to other people so physically its just my exhusband (which would be less of a problem if i wasnt with someone else)
but i also will go on chat sites, howevr due to anxiety dont share pics or video call,
thankfully? due to my situation theres only so much damage i can do

 

[plan c]

I suppose sex to be sth making ppl forget and get away from reality briefly, as identical to self-harming.
There's a reason that orgasms are referred to as "little deaths" since what the real death allow us to have - being out of existence, sex has in it a little.
Sex is a good way out, while to me it's more convenient to just drink Bottom-up lol.
Oh btw I masturbate, and meditate as well

I suppose sex to be sth making ppl forget and get away from reality briefly, as identical to self-harming.
There's a reason that orgasms are referred to as "little deaths" since what the real death allow us to have - being out of existence, sex has in it a little.
Sex is a good way out, while to me it's more convenient to just drink Bottom-up lol.
Oh btw I masturbate, and meditate as well

Excuse my screwed-up words I'm as a matter of fact very drunk at the moment

 

[Okokaykay]

Are you female? I am an older lady ( late 40s,). Myself and many friends spent years in our youth having unfulfilling drunken one night stands and just saw it as normal. But only as an older adult do I see how awful that was for my soul. I have had counselling for years and I'm lucky to have a great counsellor who is female. I realised, like you already do, that this is a real self esteem issue and is akin to self abuse. I think the desperate longing for some warmth and connection if you aren't getting it elsewhere leads to this scenario.

I imagine you are pretty young still and just looking for love in the wrong place? Is that too simplistic?
As a woman, it absolutely makes us more lonely. I believe we release oxytocin in a way males don't during sex, so biologically, casual sex is really problematic for women, even if we profess to be modern and free and emancipated.

I'm female, yeah! But I'm quite a bit younger, 19.
You understand things quite well :') It seems quite sad to say that I just want to be held and understood lmao, but this is the only way I can reach out for it.

Im sorry you experienced some things similar. I'm also really glad to hear you found some good support tho too<3

 

[tiger b]

I think you have pretty good insight into why you're doing what you do. Labelling yourself as a freak or hating on yourself for it is the most sad thing, in my opinion.

Wanting to be held and understood is not sad at all. It's what most people want. Is your way the only way you can reach out for it? I don't know.

Reaching out in physical ways towards people who (probably) can't give in emotional ways seems to have a predictable conclusion, to me.

 

[Worndown]

Not an uncommon problem. Insecurity can be debilitating but this is not a great way to deal with it.
Do you have any other way to regain control of your life? Therapy is not the favorite topic here, but can help many. You seem to understand yourself and your situation. You need to "tap the brakes" before something more terrible happens.
Check for local resources. Some outreach is very affordable or even free.

 

[Okokaykay]

Not an uncommon problem. Insecurity can be debilitating but this is not a great way to deal with it.
Do you have any other way to regain control of your life? Therapy is not the favorite topic here, but can help many. You seem to understand yourself and your situation. You need to "tap the brakes" before something more terrible happens.
Check for local resources. Some outreach is very affordable or even free.

I was in therapy for a long time before my therapist suggested I take a break from it all I'm not really sure what else there is for me if im honest.
Thank you though

 

[figurehead]

This might sound really stupid and I'm actually not sure how to talk about this at all.

Ive noticed I kinda have a habit of throwing myself at people whenever I'm really low. I don't enjoy sex- I'm too anxious, too in my head and far too insecure.
But sometimes the desire to be wanted is so strong that I'll take it wherever I can get it. I leave my time with others feeling so repulsed by myself, or sometimes the whole experience will be painful. More often than not, I don't feel present at all- But I still do it.

I saw someone else talk of similar experiences and refer to it as self harm, which kinda makes sense? I have a long history of self harm in general lol.
Idk-
I feel like such a freak for falling back into these habits again. I have very few friends and I've never really been in a relationship- Its such a pathetic way to seek intimacy, especially since it doesn't make me any less lonely. I feel so alone.

I can relate to that. Like someone noted earlier above I'm also an "older lady" (50), but I can see myself there. I used to write that sex was definitely a form of "corporal punishment", in my twenties. I was terribly suicidal and that just pushed further. There were 2 blokes in particular who made it feel like safe harm - and it actually was.On an separate episode, I came to this guy's house in the middle of the night (bigots would see I was "asking for it", but you'll understand I really wasn't. I had taken a lot of tranquilisers and was visually not myself. I took some more before crashing and all I remember next morning was being fˆˆ^hard and him saying: you screamed so much they must have heard you at the police station.

I got my things together and found a condom loose inside me. I was wearing a black dress and the smell o s***m nauseated me. I got home straight to the off licence, but they refused to sell me anything (which proves I WAS off my head). Next thing I know is two flashes: a friend of mine at my door and ;ater a policeman looking down as I was taken by the ambulance. I had taken alcohol and tranquillisers and wrists were cut. That repeated itself more times than I could think - that not being an exact "assault", as I believe it was, but the same self harm, self-disgust. I added below I poem I wrote a few years lateR about that day.

AFTER THE TONE

The message on the answer machine
Announced my repeated suicides -
A death I'd lusted for so long
It'd mingled with life.

The smell you felt in my flat,
Crawling up the walls,
Into my clothes and ashtrays,
It was death: mapping its territory,

Trading footprints for bloodstains
On my wine red carpet
And then you saved me,
You dragged me back to life

Regardless of my struggle to part.
I never knew how you got in that day:
You looked so tall as I lied on the floor,
You looked so beautiful, I smiled.

 

[Meditation guide]

This might sound really stupid and I'm actually not sure how to talk about this at all.

Ive noticed I kinda have a habit of throwing myself at people whenever I'm really low. I don't enjoy sex- I'm too anxious, too in my head and far too insecure.
But sometimes the desire to be wanted is so strong that I'll take it wherever I can get it. I leave my time with others feeling so repulsed by myself, or sometimes the whole experience will be painful. More often than not, I don't feel present at all- But I still do it.

I saw someone else talk of similar experiences and refer to it as self harm, which kinda makes sense? I have a long history of self harm in general lol.
Idk-
I feel like such a freak for falling back into these habits again. I have very few friends and I've never really been in a relationship- Its such a pathetic way to seek intimacy, especially since it doesn't make me any less lonely. I feel so alone.

As long as you use protection I can't see how sex is self harm. Of all the things to do when you feel bad, it's the least harmful. I can't see why people act like sex is a bad thing even if it's done just to soothe some inner turmoil. Why do you feel repulsed by yourself? Even having sex with a stranger can make you feel good-- shocking! Sex is normal.

I had to check to make sure my guess was right that you're female. It's terrible the burden of shame that is put on women for just having sex. I've had my promiscuous times and for some reason I've never felt repulsed or anything negative at all about it. (Now I'm waiting for someone to come along and try to shame me for this.)

 

[Okokaykay]

As long as you use protection I can't see how sex is self harm. Of all the things to do when you feel bad, it's the least harmful. I can't see why people act like sex is a bad thing even if it's done just to soothe some inner turmoil. Why do you feel repulsed by yourself? Even having sex with a stranger can make you feel good-- shocking! Sex is normal.

I had to check to make sure my guess was right that you're female. It's terrible the burden of shame that is put on women for just having sex. I've had my promiscuous times and for some reason I've never felt repulsed or anything negative at all about it. (Now I'm waiting for someone to come along and try to shame me for this.)

i think you've misunderstood my post. I'm not the best at wording things - and i dont mean that i feel ashamed for having sex due to the societal judgement that comes with it all.

I get wrapped up with the wrong people because of this, I let people hurt me and actively allow others to cross boundaries they shouldn't, just to have a moment where I can feel useful.
It isn't sexy. It's desperate, impulsive and dangerous and I feel like I cant control it at times.

 

[tiger b]

It's terrible the burden of shame that is put on women for just having sex. I've had my promiscuous times and for some reason I've never felt repulsed or anything negative at all about it. (Now I'm waiting for someone to come along and try to shame me for this.)

Why would anyone in their right mind shame you for choosing to live your life your way?

Ah, I get it now...

 

[Meditation guide]

i think you've misunderstood my post. I'm not the best at wording things - and i dont mean that i feel ashamed for having sex due to the societal judgement that comes with it all.

I get wrapped up with the wrong people because of this, I let people hurt me and actively allow others to cross boundaries they shouldn't, just to have a moment where I can feel useful.
It isn't sexy. It's desperate, impulsive and dangerous and I feel like I cant control it at times.

When you mention wanting to be useful to men for their sex needs that should be a paying job. Sorry I can't understand that any other way. It's like a free plumber or free service of any kind. I wish I could be more helpful but it's not something I understand.

You could be a free housekeeper, or a free chauffeur too. All of this is work. If you do it because you get something out of it that's ok but it sounds like you don't.

 

[Jinxyxx]

Yeah. I can relate to this completely. And i noticed this form of selfharm is more common than i thought. Its really unhealthy tho. I dont know how to fight this off but i wish you find the strength to.

 

[Okokaykay]

Yeah. I can relate to this completely. And i noticed this form of selfharm is more common than i thought. Its really unhealthy tho. I dont know how to fight this off but i wish you find the strength to.

im relieved to know im not alone in coping this way despite everything though. please do your best to take care of yourself as much as you can, too<3