Sex and Therapy

[XiaroX]

First, maybe I'll give a bit of history.

When my parents went to couples counselling, the therapist pretty much said to my mother, look the guy's an asshole and will never change, date me instead, which I know is completely unethical.

When I was in family therapy years later, it seemed to me both female therapists kind of had a thing for my father, he was kind of charismatic, like a cult leader (and for a while he did actually have a bunch of 'psychic' friends who wanted him to be their leader, and the whole thing was about the coming Apocalypse, etc), but it seems to me that my siblings and I didn't have much of a chance if that was how these women felt.

So, anyhow... when I hit the internet, there's more backstory of course, but I ended up talking to a lot of people with unusual sexual interests and fetishes. I talked to people all around the world with mental health issues, and I learned about treatment options in various countries, and it seemed nothing was optimal, But one of the weird things is that considering how important sex can be to most people, what I found was that most of the people didn't really talk to their therapists about sex. It was like everyone was too polite or uptight, and these people I was talking to were looking at almost unimaginable amounts and types of porn, and surely this is relevant in psychotherapy. It's insane not to discuss sex.

One person I conversed with was agoraphobic, and told me about how his therapist tried to make things easier for him by having after hours sessions, and when she briefly left the room, he ejaculated onto her windows. At the time I found it really interesting, but the more experience I had, the more I came to think it was not just a statement about the mental health system, that it was a sign of rage against women.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

Like you said, discussing sex is a very taboo thing in most of the world. Unfortunately, this means that there is not much research being funded into address sexual dysfunction, paraphilias, etc, even when this is a result of traumatic experiences and would give great relief to victims to be free of, because a lot of sexual interests and fetishes are a consequence of traumatic or uncomfortable experiences.

This has a knock off effect of most therapists not really being given adequate training to even know how to approach sexual topics in the first place. The structures in place now to deal with these issues are woefully inadequate. I've experienced it firsthand.

To give some context, I was sexually abused multiple times when I was younger, so I've always had issues with having sex and wanting to reinact the trauma with a partner in an environment where I feel safe, which became a kink for me against my will. I have issues with penetration and I can't even use tampons or insert things myself. I've found that there is very little sympathy for women in this position, and I imagine it's the same for men who have issues involving sex too.

Whenever I spoke to so called medical professionals about these issues, the only advice they have is to keep brute forcing exposure until you're desensitised, including suggesting that I force myself to use dilators to train myself to endure penetration. This is one of the worst things you can do when dealing with sexual abuse, because your body will physically lock up and refuse it when you feel threatened or scared.

I've done a lot of research on this topic, and I feel like progress is going to be very slow in this area, because people are so embarrassed and ashamed to talk about it. There are a lot of puritanical individuals who are morally opposed to/disgusted by sex in positions of power, for whatever reason, in addition to people who are merely embarrassed by the topic. We aren't ever going to understand the psychological and biological influences underlying sexual desires and dysfunction if people aren't willing to discuss it and study it.

 

[XiaroX]

I started to write something up before, but deleted it.

I think it's extremely expensive to get psych degrees these days, and you'd think for the price they should put a lot of effort into understanding sex.

I agree with what you are saying, and I sympathize with your situation. I was afraid that I don't know enough to avoid saying something that makes you feel more alone.

For a very long time, I had no trouble with penetration, despite multiple sexual assaults, but things changed. I think it is too complicated to explain here, and I'm a bit afraid to talk to you in private, because some of the contributing factors would be listening in.

On the one hand, it's as you said, that things will not change unless we can talk more openly.

But on the other, I'd say you have to be careful, because people can be clumsy, and some people are especially drawn to vulnerability plus openness. It's like yes, it's good to raise these issues publicly, but you need a circle of protection around you.

 

[XiaroX]

It's probably clear, but 'circle of protection' is not a Wicca reference, although if anyone's interested, they might as well try.

I think a lot of people probably sympathize with what you wrote, but are afraid of saying the wrong thing. But if you disclose sensitive information, predators might be deterred if your supporters are visible. I've experienced this a lot myself - that I disclose certain things, and then, absolutely no response, and eventually, although I am probably invisible to most, there are certain others I'm very visible to, because I'm isolated, and no one seems to understand or support me. (I'm not talking about this group.)

The idea of brute force makes my whole body tense up. I wonder if you could show some of the research you've seen to therapists.

Association, sometimes I can't get something out of my head like: therapist - the rapist. Sometimes, it seems like people are so let down by the system, they have no choice but to seek support in places that might lead to more damage. (Or bad advice from people who mean well, but don't understand.)

I apologize if this is a totally terrible idea, please forgive me if it is... but I wonder if you have thought about trying some things in a virtual setting.

If there's someone you're comfortable with, to watch your avatars slowly ease into sex animations. It could be clinical, but you could notice when you feel most tense, or if you feel other things, from a safe distance. By sex, I mean a range of activities, and I know there are also many sims that have kink animations. If you watch from a distance, and note your reactions. I'm not saying the goal is to try to change something that has formed against your will, or to expect improvement in relaxation, but by observing from a distance, it might change something on an unconscious level, that leads to acceptance or a new direction. Again, I apologize if this is offensive or ignorant. I have not researched this topic. My situation is not as extreme as yours, and I am sorry if you felt I hijacked your experience.

I am open to being told I have completely overstepped. I didn't want to leave you with no therapist support, and no group support.