I just want to get this off my chest and share with another human.
I am 1.5 pages into my suicide note. The first section is me giving my thoughts on suicide and right to die, the second section will be my reasons for doing so. I will attach it to my bio for my internet friends to see if they start to wonder where I went and click on my account. If I fail to die or chicken out I will quickly remove it. I have no grudges against them so I am not accusing anyone of anything but I am also not going to write it simply to spare their feelings. I am just going to make it my most honest goodbye to the world and an honest expression of what pains me. I don't want to lie to anyone as my final words in this world, the note is for me as much as it is them.
It is about to turn midnight for me. There are a few welding stores nearby and I call tomorrow to inquire about the price for 40 cubic feet of nitrogen, or whatever the measurement is. I know 20 is enough but 40 is safer, especially since I will want to do a brief test run. My back story is I'm getting into DIY cold brewing my own coffee and want to inject it with nitrogen to make "nitro coffee". I look like a gothy-nerdy college student and wear lots of mute colors, I think I can fake this back story very well and it is more believable than me welding or brewing beer. "I am just some bored 20 something doing some adventurous hipster thing, please take my money."
I have bookmarked a proper flow regulator for 15 lpm(it goes up to 25), which also comes with a hose. Tomorrow I go buy nice size turkey bags, the medical tape, an elastic string from a fabrics store, etc. I will store these under my bed and construct the exit bag once I watch this tutorial a few more times. Once I have the bag, the tank of nitrogen, the regulator+hose, I will have everything to die. I live with my dad and will do this at 2am or so, long after he has fallen asleep but long before he will wake up. I will put a little note in the carton of eggs saying I killed myself and there is a corpse in my room and to take care of my cat. I will die sitting in my office chair at my desk in front of my computer. I think that is a fitting place to die since it is how I have lived most of my life.
I will wait until thanksgiving break or winter break to CTB. I think that is long enough to see if my current mood shifts into wanting to continue(but the will to die always comes back). It's long enough to see how I do this semester. If I do poorly in school it will be another reason to die. If I can't take it anymore I will have all available materials to CTB sooner. If I don't go through with it I will always have this suicide kit ready in my closet, ready to die at any point.
I am not suffering a chemical imbalance, I am suffering a shitty life deprived of the things that make a life worth living. My entire will to keep going is based around the possibility that I one day obtain those things I desperately want. If I could read the future and found those things are not waiting for me, I would have 0 reason to continue from this point. More and more I find the possibility of me finding the life I want to be very low.
I hope I find peace. I hope I get to experience oblivion, or if I am reincarnated I hope it is under better circumstances.
I am 1.5 pages into my suicide note. The first section is me giving my thoughts on suicide and right to die, the second section will be my reasons for doing so. I will attach it to my bio for my internet friends to see if they start to wonder where I went and click on my account. If I fail to die or chicken out I will quickly remove it. I have no grudges against them so I am not accusing anyone of anything but I am also not going to write it simply to spare their feelings. I am just going to make it my most honest goodbye to the world and an honest expression of what pains me. I don't want to lie to anyone as my final words in this world, the note is for me as much as it is them.
It is about to turn midnight for me. There are a few welding stores nearby and I call tomorrow to inquire about the price for 40 cubic feet of nitrogen, or whatever the measurement is. I know 20 is enough but 40 is safer, especially since I will want to do a brief test run. My back story is I'm getting into DIY cold brewing my own coffee and want to inject it with nitrogen to make "nitro coffee". I look like a gothy-nerdy college student and wear lots of mute colors, I think I can fake this back story very well and it is more believable than me welding or brewing beer. "I am just some bored 20 something doing some adventurous hipster thing, please take my money."
I have bookmarked a proper flow regulator for 15 lpm(it goes up to 25), which also comes with a hose. Tomorrow I go buy nice size turkey bags, the medical tape, an elastic string from a fabrics store, etc. I will store these under my bed and construct the exit bag once I watch this tutorial a few more times. Once I have the bag, the tank of nitrogen, the regulator+hose, I will have everything to die. I live with my dad and will do this at 2am or so, long after he has fallen asleep but long before he will wake up. I will put a little note in the carton of eggs saying I killed myself and there is a corpse in my room and to take care of my cat. I will die sitting in my office chair at my desk in front of my computer. I think that is a fitting place to die since it is how I have lived most of my life.
I will wait until thanksgiving break or winter break to CTB. I think that is long enough to see if my current mood shifts into wanting to continue(but the will to die always comes back). It's long enough to see how I do this semester. If I do poorly in school it will be another reason to die. If I can't take it anymore I will have all available materials to CTB sooner. If I don't go through with it I will always have this suicide kit ready in my closet, ready to die at any point.
I am not suffering a chemical imbalance, I am suffering a shitty life deprived of the things that make a life worth living. My entire will to keep going is based around the possibility that I one day obtain those things I desperately want. If I could read the future and found those things are not waiting for me, I would have 0 reason to continue from this point. More and more I find the possibility of me finding the life I want to be very low.
I hope I find peace. I hope I get to experience oblivion, or if I am reincarnated I hope it is under better circumstances.
