Venting Set a date to ctb, please talk to me before I go

[imdone23]

I have decided that I am going to ctb on my 21st birthday in two months. I have been trying to get better but I just can't feel happy, I always end up back at square one where I only want to die. I decided I'm done being in this cycle, and I'm finally ready to go. I plan to jump off a bridge, I feel guilty knowing what I am doing to my family. I just got a cat, I think that I will leave it with them when I die so they have something to remember me by. It sucks to have nobody to talk to before I go, because if I did they would have me admitted. I just want to share my thoughts and talk to some people who know what I'm doing before I go.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I am willing to listen to your story. After all, we need to unload our burdens before we go. Nobody wants to go holding everything in.

 

[iDieUDie80]

I know you're saying you've tried to get better, but I hope you have truly given yourself a chance. Have you been hospitalized ever? Have you done intensive treatment for depression? Make sure you've tried out all your options. I wish the best for you and am sorry you feel the way you do.

I will add that everyone here is willing to listen and is in a similar place.

 

[imdone23]

I am willing to listen to your story. After all, we need to unload our burdens before we go. Nobody wants to go holding everything in.

I wish I had a good story. It's the lack of a reason for feeling this way that makes it worse. I had a loving mom, a dad who wasn't there emotionally but whatever. My mom got me into and went with me to therapy, I have tried multiple antidepressants too. I am doing fine in school too, but my social life is limited to just my roommates. I wish I had some story that made my suicide not seem like there was no reason. I just can't take my head anymore. I can't keep fighting my brain anymore you know? If it doesn't want me to be happy and wants me to die, then that's just what I am going to do.

I know you're saying you've tried to get better, but I hope you have truly given yourself a chance. Have you been hospitalized ever? Have you done intensive treatment for depression? Make sure you've tried out all your options. I wish the best for you and am sorry you feel the way you do.

I will add that everyone here is willing to listen and is in a similar place.

It's easier said than done. I have tried medication and therapy, neither seemed to help. I could try harder I suppose, but my brain has given up now. I can't keep fighting to live solely for the purpose of others when my brain only wants to be done.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

The problem with setting concrete deadlines is that you end up feeling even worse when you don't follow through.

Trust me I should have been dead multiple times over the years. I think when the time is right you just know. Setting arbitrary deadlines is only going to give you more stress.

 

[imdone23]

Thank you both for talking to me, I don't want to come off as rude or upset with your advice. I just don't feel like backing out of suicide this time. I have tried three times before and failed, but this time I am set on ending it. I just can't imagine what I am doing to my family because of this, I wish there was some way to cope with what I know I am going to cause them.
Maybe you're right. They do say there is no time like the present, I think maybe I will go buy some material to hang myself with instead soon. If I am dying, I guess another 2 months makes no difference. I think if I drink enough I can manage to go through with it.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

I say give meds a shot. Not something I normally would suggest, but, yours sounds like a chemical imbalance. Worth a try, no?

 

[imdone23]

I say give meds a shot. Not something I normally would suggest, but, yours sounds like a chemical imbalance. Worth a try, no?

I appreciate the thought. I have tried medication and therapy, neither helped much. I can't imagine myself ever breaking out of what is going on in my head, and I can't keep it up much longer.
If i'm being honest I really wish there was something to keep me going. I thought maybe a pet would help, maybe college, but neither has. It's like my heart or my survival instinct wants me to continue, but my brain knows there is no reason and wants me to stop.

 

[Yiyo123]

I don't want sound rude or disrespectful, but you said that you have a loving mom and a pet. Well, now you have two reasons to live. You don't need a story, you can make one by living one day at a time. You have the desire and will to live but don't know how to do it. Reach out, seek help, talk to someone you trust.

I don't encourage people to kill themselves. I'm very suicidal too, but not homicidal. That's why I go to therapy 3 times a month and take multiple medications.

My opinion?… you are too young to die. You can acomplish so many things. So don't give up. Give life a chance. God bless!!!

 

[RedHarlequin]

I can understand you very well, I too don't really have a reason why I feel this way it is just the depression, have tried almost everything. I hope you finally find peace in whatever way you choose. I don't want to pressure you into anything but if you do still feel like living after those 2 months, I'd suggest trying ECT, it didn't help me but I have seen many people completely change after it.
Btw I really liked the antlers and hospice in particular while I was still able to enjoy music.

 

[BlankUser]

I'm so sorry that life brought you to this point and I understand what you mean by saying that you're back to square one. It's sad that nobody could really help you. But please, make sure that your method works 100%. Do all the research that you need so you won't make your situation worse. I'm also planning to ctb in a few months, but I don't know if I'll be able to. I'm torn apart.

 

[I-can-only-imagine]

I'm sorry you feel this way. It took them nearly 3 years to find the right combination of meds that worked for me when I was really unwell and hospitalised for 7 months with severe depression. Those meds have worked well for me until now when I had a major breakdown a few months ago. Now I am back under professionals again with new meds added in. I came close to trying ctb - VERY close. But it was my cats who kept me here (and ironically the help of a crisis phone number - I never would have believed it!). Whilst not suicidal for now, I still think about it and have a plan.

I suppose what I'm trying to say is there is no quick fix and I would really recommend trying again. I know it's hard- I am battling every day to keep fighting. But I have also seen that things can improve. Worth one more shot maybe? As ctb will never go as an option.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life can cruel to us. Nobody deserves to suffer so I wish you the best with whatever you choose to do. I know what it is like to be in a hopeless situation, I have tried to get better in the past but then more bad things have happened to me. So many people are struggling in this world yet our survival instinct holds us back. We all deserve to find peace.

 

[WornOutLife]

Sure, my friend.
My inbox is always open. Feel free to pm me whenever you want!