erdbeeren
Student
- Oct 13, 2021
- 100
I am seriously thinking about going to school with a weapon and injuring as many people as I can and then (hopefully) ctb or be killed by police when they come.
It's fucked up I know.
I've been so infatuated by violence and the people who commit these types of crimes that it's all I can think about. Unlike most, I have nothing/no one I see worth living for. The life I have is financially stable, but emotionally barren - void of anything but my own dark desires.
I don't think I can keep living without ending up harming myself and/or others. It's a scary place to be mentally; nobody likes a murderer after all.
I have tried and tried to get help to prevent damage. I WILLINGLY attended therapy and WILLINGLY took my meds. I've spent time an inpatient facility and continued to see doctors to figure out what the hell is wrong. Ultimately, no meaningful change has come.
My irl friends don't care about hearing my issues so I just stop informing them. My family has given up on me and left me to fend for myself. I have to "grow up" eventually I guess. My mom straight up said, no joke, that if I get bullied, there's no need to tell her cause she won't give a shit and that it was probably my fault.
I am forced to endure most of my awake time in school. In school where students either treat me like an inanimate object or like a sub-human and teachers and admin not only tolerate it, but frequently join in with the teasing. The gaslighting, the slander, the hatred, it's never ending. And I can't connect with these awful people.
I may go ahead and ctb so I won't go through with it.
It's fucked up I know.
I've been so infatuated by violence and the people who commit these types of crimes that it's all I can think about. Unlike most, I have nothing/no one I see worth living for. The life I have is financially stable, but emotionally barren - void of anything but my own dark desires.
I don't think I can keep living without ending up harming myself and/or others. It's a scary place to be mentally; nobody likes a murderer after all.
I have tried and tried to get help to prevent damage. I WILLINGLY attended therapy and WILLINGLY took my meds. I've spent time an inpatient facility and continued to see doctors to figure out what the hell is wrong. Ultimately, no meaningful change has come.
My irl friends don't care about hearing my issues so I just stop informing them. My family has given up on me and left me to fend for myself. I have to "grow up" eventually I guess. My mom straight up said, no joke, that if I get bullied, there's no need to tell her cause she won't give a shit and that it was probably my fault.
I am forced to endure most of my awake time in school. In school where students either treat me like an inanimate object or like a sub-human and teachers and admin not only tolerate it, but frequently join in with the teasing. The gaslighting, the slander, the hatred, it's never ending. And I can't connect with these awful people.
I may go ahead and ctb so I won't go through with it.