Serious apathy.

[Un-]

It's immobilising. I sometimes browse reddit because it's mind-numbing, but occasionally I'd come across something sparking outrage. Political shit (I couldn't tell you which in particular, because I've been out of the loop for years now), crime, controversies, whatever. Sometimes it's severe, like the abortion thing. Call me an asshole.. I probably am being one.. But I can't find it in me to give a shit.

I don't know if it's something horrible or not.. To not be phased by anything. To simply not care about the people around me (that's a lie; I don't have people around me, but you get the idea). To not give a shit about myself, too. I have horrible hygiene, for example. I don't have an eating schedule, and I sleep as much as I can.

It's.. Immobilising because you just.. I don't see the point in doing anything. God knows how I'm even writing this thread. I envy people that give a shit about stuff. People that have coping mechanisms.. People that can cry, and so on. I don't know. It's much easier to at least feel.. A sense of.. "At least I have this one thing that's keeping me together". I don't have that.

This feeling is similar to drifting in space without a harness. Peak nihilism, hah. Where watching yourself rot away in the mirror can't even inspire you to cry.

 

[outrider567]

It's immobilising. I sometimes browse reddit because it's mind-numbing, but occasionally I'd come across something sparking outrage. Political shit (I couldn't tell you which in particular, because I've been out of the loop for years now), crime, controversies, whatever. Sometimes it's severe, like the abortion thing. Call me an asshole.. I probably am being one.. But I can't find it in me to give a shit.

I don't know if it's something horrible or not.. To not be phased by anything. To simply not care about the people around me (that's a lie; I don't have people around me, but you get the idea). To not give a shit about myself, too. I have horrible hygiene, for example. I don't have an eating schedule, and I sleep as much as I can.

It's.. Immobilising because you just.. I don't see the point in doing anything. God knows how I'm even writing this thread. I envy people that give a shit about stuff. People that have coping mechanisms.. People that can cry, and so on. I don't know. It's much easier to at least feel.. A sense of.. "At least I have this one thing that's keeping me together". I don't have that.

This feeling is similar to drifting in space without a harness. Peak nihilism, hah. Where watching yourself rot away in the mirror can't even inspire you to cry.

On reddit a lot too but neutral stuff like r/damnthat'sinteresting, r/pics/, r/beamazed, r/unexpected, etc

 

[FuneralCry]

Everything in life is meaningless after all though. It's true that nothing really matters, and there is no point to existing. Things that seem important to people now will eventually not be, as they will not be able to think and feel once they no longer exist. The idea that life has any meaning is a delusion. It is understandable how you envy those people as I guess life can be more bearable for them, but I think that caring about things too much can be painful.

 

[Un-]

Everything in life is meaningless after all though. It's true that nothing really matters, and there is no point to existing. Things that seem important to people now will eventually not be, as they will not be able to think and feel once they no longer exist. The idea that life has any meaning is a delusion. It is understandable how you envy those people as I guess life can be more bearable for them, but I think that caring about things too much can be painful.

It's definitely a super power, heh. Things that would anger, or depress a regular person has no effect on me. Especially when it comes to suicide - I couldn't give less of a fuck if there's an afterlife, if it's painful, if I survive.

The downside is everything being insufferable. It's like every single task.. Like waking up, eating, occupying yourself with stuff.. It's the most boring, and vacant experience.

I do think it's better not to care than to care, though. It's painful to care. Why subject yourself to more pain when everything ends by your hand, anyway?

 

[outatime_85]

I am reading your post in a couple of ways.

1. You have gained enough self-awareness to notice what is going on and to appear to disapprove of what is going on with you, and you are seeking a solution to possibly correct your course. This could indicate that you are uncomfortable with the idea of becoming apathetic or a nihilist.

Or

2. Maybe you do want to become comfortable with the belief system you are developing. However, it is hard for you to break free of the way you were taught to view the world, and you are conflicted.

Maybe further quiet introspection and journaling your thoughts on this matter and others will allow you to accept who and what you think you are becoming.

I might be wrong, and if I am, feel free to correct me.

 

[Un-]

I am reading your post in a couple of ways.

1. You have gained enough self-awareness to notice what is going on and to appear to disapprove of what is going on with you, and you are seeking a solution to possibly correct your course. This could indicate that you are uncomfortable with the idea of becoming apathetic or a nihilist.

Or

2. Maybe you do want to become comfortable with the belief system you are developing. However, it is hard for you to break free of the way you were taught to view the world, and you are conflicted.

Maybe further quiet introspection and journaling your thoughts on this matter and others will allow you to accept who and what you think you are becoming.

I might be wrong, and if I am, feel free to correct me.

I'm not necessarily comfortable with how hyper-analytical you're being here. No offence, man. I get that you're trying to help, and I appreciate it..

There's pros and cons to this shit, but.. Contrary to how I framed this thread, I don't really care that I don't care about stuff. I don't see myself making an effort to better understand myself, nor do I want to. Same thing with.. My suicidality. I'm not part of the group of people that.. Deep down.. Want to be happy. I just want to be unalive. Nothingness.

 

[Ash’Girl]

In truth, I don't know what's better. I have periods of extreme apathy where nothing touches me (I disassociate). Then I have periods where everything hurts and it's a full body manifestation of emotional and mental pain.

I think the apathy is easier, for me, because I don't feel anything at all. But even the times I feel everything, I still don't have the motivation to do anything, or see the point in anything at all. I have no belief I can change the sources of the pain, because I don't have either the power of resurrection nor any power to change the ways in which the world and society is intrinsically flawed, and fucked up. In truth I don't really care anymore about the latter either. I know logically that the "old me" should and would, but I'm a distant observer, like - "oh, another piece of shit humans are doing to each other, must be Tuesday".

So I'm either lying in bed feeling nothing at all and immobile because of it, or I'm lying there curled up in a ball of sobbing agony, immobile because of it.

I'm just stuck, as someone said on another post, between life and death. I'm not living, I'm existing, but I'm still breathing.

I don't even see the point to posting here, for me, other than as you say, it's something to pass a little time.

 

[outatime_85]

I'm not necessarily comfortable with how hyper-analytical you're being here. No offence, man. I get that you're trying to help, and I appreciate it..

There's pros and cons to this shit, but.. Contrary to how I framed this thread, I don't really care that I don't care about stuff. I don't see myself making an effort to better understand myself, nor do I want to. Same thing with.. My suicidality. I'm not part of the group of people that.. Deep down.. Want to be happy. I just want to be unalive. Nothingness.

No offense taken.
My apologies for being overly analytical.
I get it.
I understand the not caring etc.
I was just offering an alternative thought.

 

[Un-]

In truth, I don't know what's better. I have periods of extreme apathy where nothing touches me (I disassociate). Then I have periods where everything hurts and it's a full body manifestation of emotional and mental pain.

I think the apathy is easier, for me, because I don't feel anything at all. But even the times I feel everything, I still don't have the motivation to do anything, or see the point in anything at all. I have no belief I can change the sources of the pain, because I don't have either the power of resurrection nor any power to change the ways in which the world and society is intrinsically flawed, and fucked up. In truth I don't really care anymore about the latter either. I know logically that the "old me" should and would, but I'm a distant observer, like - "oh, another piece of shit humans are doing to each other, must be Tuesday".

So I'm either lying in bed feeling nothing at all and immobile because of it, or I'm lying there curled up in a ball of sobbing agony, immobile because of it.

I'm just stuck, as someone said on another post, between life and death. I'm not living, I'm existing, but I'm still breathing.

I don't even see the point to posting here, for me, other than as you say, it's something to pass a little time.

The last time I resonates this closely with a post.. I don't think there's ever been a time, actually.

A poem I really like talks about it too:

From the inside of my corpse, thirty seconds like a century
Imprisoned in necrotic flesh, cognizant beyond my death
Paralyzed and frozen in this carnal penitentiary
Lucidly projecting hellish specters, ghoulish architecture
Enveloped in a darkness far beyond my mind can measure
Suffocating violent pressure, it just goes on forever
Abandoned and dismissed in a flaccid impotence
With the cold illumination that I no longer exist
In a grave within a grave, It was the first time I prayed
No one here to tell me that I shouldn't be afraid
Falling endlessly deeper, yet immobile and still
In this infinite aether washing over my filth
Neither angels or reapers or ghosts were fulfilled
Just a cavity to soak up my guilt and my depravity
The flowers up above me wilting down so they can laugh at me
To think we spend our lives convinced we understand agony...

 

[Ash’Girl]

The last time I resonates this closely with a post.. I don't think there's ever been a time, actually.

A poem I really like talks about it too:

From the inside of my corpse, thirty seconds like a century
Imprisoned in necrotic flesh, cognizant beyond my death
Paralyzed and frozen in this carnal penitentiary
Lucidly projecting hellish specters, ghoulish architecture
Enveloped in a darkness far beyond my mind can measure
Suffocating violent pressure, it just goes on forever
Abandoned and dismissed in a flaccid impotence
With the cold illumination that I no longer exist
In a grave within a grave, It was the first time I prayed
No one here to tell me that I shouldn't be afraid
Falling endlessly deeper, yet immobile and still
In this infinite aether washing over my filth
Neither angels or reapers or ghosts were fulfilled
Just a cavity to soak up my guilt and my depravity
The flowers up above me wilting down so they can laugh at me
To think we spend our lives convinced we understand agony...

Resonates. I feel like I'm in a void where nobody could touch me anymore, even if they wanted to (which they don't, since I lost the ability to fake it with a smile).

I am a shell, and whilst in years past I became a master at being a chameleon for everybody else, I was always at least a little dead inside. It has only increased with time. Now I have zero inclination to pretend anymore. And though before part of me cared about faking it so I wasn't forcibly isolated from people, now I just find everyone exhausting to be around so I no longer care that they've all fucked off.

 

[again_noidea]

It's immobilising. I sometimes browse reddit because it's mind-numbing, but occasionally I'd come across something sparking outrage. Political shit (I couldn't tell you which in particular, because I've been out of the loop for years now), crime, controversies, whatever. Sometimes it's severe, like the abortion thing. Call me an asshole.. I probably am being one.. But I can't find it in me to give a shit.

I don't know if it's something horrible or not.. To not be phased by anything. To simply not care about the people around me (that's a lie; I don't have people around me, but you get the idea). To not give a shit about myself, too. I have horrible hygiene, for example. I don't have an eating schedule, and I sleep as much as I can.

It's.. Immobilising because you just.. I don't see the point in doing anything. God knows how I'm even writing this thread. I envy people that give a shit about stuff. People that have coping mechanisms.. People that can cry, and so on. I don't know. It's much easier to at least feel.. A sense of.. "At least I have this one thing that's keeping me together". I don't have that.

This feeling is similar to drifting in space without a harness. Peak nihilism, hah. Where watching yourself rot away in the mirror can't even inspire you to cry.

to you know the cause for your apathy?

 

[Un-]

to you know the cause for your apathy?

Not necessarily. I have sociopathic tendencies - it could be that. It could be because I've been dealing with depression, and who knows whatever other mental illnesses for years. Or that I struggled with happiness since I was in first grade. I don't know.. I'm sure some psychologist could pick me apart, but I couldn't be arsed.

 

[again_noidea]

Not necessarily. I have sociopathic tendencies - it could be that. It could be because I've been dealing with depression, and who knows whatever other mental illnesses for years. Or that I struggled with happiness since I was in first grade. I don't know.. I'm sure some psychologist could pick me apart, but I couldn't be arsed.

that sounds as if you are not interested in understanding yourself... which seems strange to me, since i was always wanted to know the reasons for my condition. i don't know why, but it always seemed important to me to know how i arrived where i'm. even now, when everything seems to finally end soon, it somehow calms me to have a story that explains why I live my life the way I do. i guess, people have different needs.

 

[Un-]

that sounds as if you are not interested in understanding yourself... which seems strange to me, since i was always wanted to know the reasons for my condition. i don't know why, but it always seemed important to me to know how i arrived where i'm. even now, when everything seems to finally end soon, it somehow calms me to have a story that explains why I live my life the way I do. i guess, people have different needs.

I just don't care about myself. Nobody cares about me, too. There's no point in.. Making the effort to understand myself. Whether or not I understand who Matteo is, I'll still die.. Makes no difference.. That's not to say I look down on it. Meh.. Different yolks for different folks heh..

 

[again_noidea]

I just don't care about myself. Nobody cares about me, too. There's no point in.. Making the effort to understand myself. Whether or not I understand who Matteo is, it'll still die.. Makes no difference.. That's not to say I look down on it. Meh.. Different yolks for different folks heh..

i think i'm slowly coming to the same point. i have hardly any interest in anything anymore. like you, i try to numb my consciousness with useless information junk (and some drugs).... for how long do you want to kill yourself? i wanted to end it occasionally since i was 20 or so, but it became a very serious thought 8 years ago. i know how to do partial, but i find one excuse after another. i can't do it at home on impulse because there are other people living with me... so i need to plan it, book an airbnb or drive to the woods late at night and hope that no one finds me for 30 minutes.

 

[Un-]

i think i'm slowly coming to the same point. i have hardly any interest in anything anymore. like you, i try to numb my consciousness with useless information junk (and some drugs).... for how long do you want to kill yourself? i wanted to end it occasionally since i was 20 or so, but it became a very serious thought 8 years ago. i know how to do partial, but i find one excuse after another. i can't do it at home on impulse because there are other people living with me... so i need to plan it, book an airbnb or drive to the woods late at night and hope that no one finds me for 30 minutes.

The thing that I hate most about myself is my apprehension to drugs.. Like alcohol and weed and stuff. I've done them before, but only to for the experience. I hate feeling out of control. My only options for coping with living is.. Like you said.. Random, useless information.
I've had suicidal thoughts for 4 years. I attempted suicide twice when I was fourteen. I wish I'd have been successful but.. I was dumber than the average 8 year old back then.

I haven't attempt for a while, and I'm not going to because I need to get resources.. But I know the whole excuses thing. I think the best way to overcome SI or whatever is to suffer.. Get rid of that.. Fear by.. Having life be so horrible that.. SI doesn't even bother you anymore. I will say that I wouldn't want to die somewhere remote where.. People will struggle to find me. This is because.. How a body decomposes is just plain disgusting. It's awful. I don't care much about my body, but I'd prefer to not look like.. Horse diahhrea when I'm found. I think that's reasonable..

Anyway.. Goodluck with your endeavours. I hope life doesn't grow worse for you. You're a kind person from what I can tell and I appreciate that a lot more than you think heh. I'm a fucking loser.. Everywhere.. Online, offline. It's nice having someone recognise you as you.

 

[Ash’Girl]

Meh. I understand myself. I spent years figuring out how my brain is wired, why, all the "techniques" that might help me not respond immediately to my default wiring.

Didn't make a blind bit of difference. Because I can't change my default wiring. All it gave me was another list of things I'm "supposed" to try doing because somebody with a masters degree but little experience of living with my brain wiring came up with a new method of treatment.

To be fair, least I tried, however pointless, because at one point that seemed important to me. Works for some people, that's great.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

Resonates. I feel like I'm in a void where nobody could touch me anymore, even if they wanted to (which they don't, since I lost the ability to fake it with a smile).

I am a shell, and whilst in years past I became a master at being a chameleon for everybody else, I was always at least a little dead inside. It has only increased with time. Now I have zero inclination to pretend anymore. And though before part of me cared about faking it so I wasn't forcibly isolated from people, now I just find everyone exhausting to be around so I no longer care that they've all fucked off.

I feel the same way… Lots of regrets mainly financial at this point… I really just wish I had enough money that I could survive by doing nothing… So I could just sleep and eat if wanted to and not end up homeless … Instead I'm just hiding…

 

[MisFortunate]

The things I used to care about I no longer do but I really do care that I don't care about the things I used to care about. Regadless, no one cares if I do or don't care.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

The things I used to care about I no longer do but I really do care that I don't care about the things I used to care about. Regadless, no one cares if I do or don't care.

Well said … It's all very disassociative… Spent too much time ruminating as a child… Not enough team sports

 

[rainwillneverstop]

I'm sorry you feel like that, it's terrible.
Even tho only you know how it feels, I feel I can relate to what you're saying.
I felt numb and emotionless for quite a long time now, I don't even know how long anymore but too long.
The things that use to spark some kind of happy reaction from you, is suddenly so meaningless. It's weird, odd and disorintating, sometimes it triggers dissociation.
I wish I could cry, feel sad, but I feel nothing. I feel the only emotion I have left that shows sometimes is irritation.
I'm too tired of everything right now to read your poem, but it's probably good. I like to draw, I think it saves me sometimes from becoming too detached.

good luck with all and everything.

 

[Ash’Girl]

I feel the same way… Lots of regrets mainly financial at this point… I really just wish I had enough money that I could survive by doing nothing… So I could just sleep and eat if wanted to and not end up homeless … Instead I'm just hiding…

Yup: beyond the minimal of what I currently have to do, I do nothing. Like if I could disappear from society to a sustainable remote cabin I'd probably be fine, and it'd take a while for anyone to notice.