Story Sept 17 2020 : My last day

[Anthagonos]

I just decided to open this thread to comment about what I feel will be the last days.
From now to the date it has to pass 34 days, when I will try to write what my mind thinks, day by day and I will tell you more about my history.

I hope some of you can find this of your interest.

 

[Anthagonos]

Day #1 of 34

Today I don't feel really good (I don't remember the last day I feel ok), and I'm thinking how stupid I have been throught all my life. At home I have stopped talking about my life because it's always the same:
Why I didn't that? Why I took that way? etc...
It's like a cyclic conversation.
I need to stay with vitamins and some caffeine to keep myself a little bit motivated and energetic.

Also, I am thinking about my last day. At the moment I think it will be in a hotel room using N. I want to relax and forget about all.

I am also thinking about I only have to work 10 more days until that day (I don't work each day). But from today until Sept 17 is more than a month and I think it's too much time and I don't know if I will have the strength to wait until that date.

Maybe I will made like a "tour" some days before my date to see where I was grew up, etc. I think I have been extremely stupid all my life. I have had the best possibilities in some fields a person can have and I failed again and again.

One of the most disgusting things I won't know if why I haven't had a girlfriend in all my life. When I was young I was really really attractive and I had dozens of opportunities to start a relationship with a girl. Not a single one even started. I use facebook to see their profiles. Sometimes I accept to start crying. I see those girls (now women) that I refused years ago, with their families, kids, etc... and I am absolutely alone, living with my mother and I am 34 years old. If all is going the same way, maybe I will be with mom with 50 years. That is not acceptable. It must be stopped now.

Thinking about the possibilities I had in the past, I should have left home at 17/18 years old to go to university (I have never been in university) to study the same job as my second father had: ship captain. Now I would be captain and earning a good salary.
The reality is I'm working in a different job and earning little income. That also is not acceptable.
I don't understand why a boy like me that I was a brilliant student, ended without an university degree.
I think the problem was when I change college at 12/13 years old. I was used to study a lot and obtain excellent califications. Due a problem that I don't know where it started, I must left the college I have stayed almost all my life because I had conflicts with lot of people there. If I didn't have the conflicts in that college I would be able to finish my elemental education in the same college, with the friends of all my life and I would obtained great califications.
I don't know what caused those conflicts in that college. Lots of people above my age were against me. People ever I have never had contact with. I will never know what caused those conflicts. That experience was also shaping my personality. Conflicts at home, conflicts at school, etc...

In the new school I have not conflicts, but the educational level was very low and that also shapped what happened to me. After the years, I lost interest in the studies due, I think, that school. Also, I never knew what I liked to be in a future. My father and mother didn't helped me when I was obtaining really bad califications at school. They never asked what was really happening with me. In the future, the frustration of not getting an university degree will affect me a lot.

I will continue...

 

[EmptyTrashCan]

This definitely will be interesting

 

[Anthagonos]

This definitely will be interesting

I think so. Welcome to the thread.
I will try to explain my life from the beginning and my everyday thoughts.

At the moment I feel anxious because I have to wait more than a month. Its too much time :(

 

[EmptyTrashCan]

I think so. Welcome to the thread.
I will try to explain my life from the beginning and my everyday thoughts.

At the moment I feel anxious because I have to wait more than a month. Its too much time :(

And how come you chose that exact date? Why not other?

 

[Ulisses]

we will find it interesting. update your situation whenever possible. hugs.

 

[Anthagonos]

And how come you chose that exact date? Why not other?

Hi, because I have some holidays in september and I can plan it better.

we will find it interesting. update your situation whenever possible. hugs.

I would try to update daily, when possible. Thanks.
Day #2 of 34

Today is one of those days that I feel great. I don't know why, but I feel I have lost all my youth and I haven't used the opportunities I had. As I told before, I was the best student in my classroom, but failed hard at school. No university degree. I was feeling bad about not having an university degree and at home there was high expectations about me. My mom was suffering about his work (too much pressure) so I decided to do something great to help her stop working and get a good income at home. I spend several years trying to accomplish that dream, but at the end it wasn't possible. I was a little bit obssesed because some people I found in my life told me that I was going to be great at life. I thought if I was smart and worked hard, it was possible to get great results. At the end, the only result I got is not use my youth. I have almost spent my life in front of a computer, trying to do something great. What a huge mistake!!!

Now, I realize that I have lost my youth and all the opportunities I had. No girlfriend, no friends, not traveling, not sport, not enjoying life, etc...
I feel bad because even the ugliest guys in the neighborg have their wife or girlfriend. I have never had even my first one and I am 34. I have been watching the facebooks of my old colleagues at school and there are some girls that have their 10 year old kids and are married more than a decade. I compare my situation with theirs and it hurts too much. I think my mom is ashamed of me because I had a higher potential than the middle and I have been a disaster at each aspect in life. No university, not forming a family, etc...
I think it would be easier if I studied the same as my second dad and had a girlfriend since 12 or 13 years old because I had the opportunity.

Also, not having sex I think it caused to me lot of stress. I feel absolutely ashamed that my first sex experience was at 20. I don't know why I never wanted to have a girlfriend when I was younger. I think I though about having girlfriend as a conflictive relationship because I have seen at home always conflictive relationships. In my mind never existed the concept that you can enjoy having a girlfriend. Also it was difficult to me to have social skills. I was very introvert after my parents divorced when I was 6. Lots of people asked me if I was gay because I had not girlfriend and I have not problems about having one. I didn't realize the potential I had in those years. I have almost haven't sex in my whole life and I was very sexual active, so I had to use masturbation. I think that issue put me in stress.
I never thought about enjoying life. I always thought life was about working hard to be someone great and earn money.

When I think about meeting a woman, I realize that with my age woman usually want something serious, a serious relationship. Maybe at 30s or late 20s they have kids from other relationships, so I need to have a decent salary to afford all the expenses, and not... my salary is not good. Also, with the pandemic I think is harder to find a girlfriend. I have almost no sexual experience and I don't know how to treat a woman, have no friends, no hobbies, etc... I think I am a fucking looser that had an enormous potential in the past.

I don't know... I think I have lost all my opportunities in the past because I was dumb. I didn't think about enjoying life, I had traumas, I haven't social skills, I didn't think about studying hard at school to earn a good salary in the future and maintain in good position to my family, etc...

At work there is a girl that is 28 and it seems interested in having boyfriend because her boyfriend stopped with her some months ago. I am very afraid very I think she has tons of sexual experience and with 34 and my experience maybe it would looks like almost my first time. Yesterday she said that she had holidays the same days as me, like trying to say "hey! we have free days in the same time! lets go do something!". But I am very unsure because I thought I will misserable fail with her in case that we would have sexual contact and i don't know how to treat her.

 

[TAW122]

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences in life and I wish you peace in your remaining days.

 

[Anthagonos]

I'm sorry to hear about your experiences in life and I wish you peace in your remaining days.

Thanks for the comment I really appreciate it.
Yes, I feel a little bit better because I know my end is near.
In the other hand I feel very dissapointed about me because I haven't enjoyed life and with the great potential I had in the past, I have not done nothing. No studies, not sex, not friends, not traveling, etc.. lots of times I think why I took those decissions in life.

I would loved too much to have at least one kid. Now it's too late.

My best advice is to enjoy life at its maxium. No one knows what can happen in the next minutes.

I think I lost tons of the greatest oppotunities in life. I was very fear about life.

 

[EmptyTrashCan]

Hey man, I'll just say what I think honestly, just tell her to have dinner. Your days are counted, I genuinely hope you find the peace you didn't find before, and since your end is near, just try to enjoy the last days, try something you didnt before, maybe a food, talk to a stranger or homeless person or anything. Just enjoy your last days the way you couldn't enjoy your years. Be honest to her, if she's mature and into you she'll accept you, if not, anyways you'll die.

 

[Anthagonos]

Hey man, I'll just say what I think honestly, just tell her to have dinner. Your days are counted, I genuinely hope you find the peace you didn't find before, and since your end is near, just try to enjoy the last days, try something you didnt before, maybe a food, talk to a stranger or homeless person or anything. Just enjoy your last days the way you couldn't enjoy your years. Be honest to her, if she's mature and into you she'll accept you, if not, anyways you'll die.

Thanks for the recommendation.
I will say her to go out to do something (eating, have a walk, or whatever she likes).

I am coinciding with her at work a little bit more often than usual and we have been keeping talking more than usual. She looks like a good girl. She is 28/29 I'm 34.
I think she feels a little bit alone after she stopped the relationship with her boyfriend in dec '19.

One of the things I miss a lot is to have at least one girlfriend before I pass away. I have never had one and I had lots of opportunities. One of the last chances was a few years ago, maybe in 2015-2016. She was my neighbour, she seemed a good girl and she asked to me to go to McDonalds to eat some burguers. I never said her "ok! Lets go". I wasn't interested in her because her father is gipsy and maybe he works around illegal drugs. Now she has 2 kids with his husband. A good guy.
Now I think I lost a great opportunity. She didn't like her fathers and she wanted to go outside home. She doesn't look like gipsy.
Now is too late.

 

[FadingAway]

You think you'll be using N in a hotel room? Do you even have N yet?

 

[Anthagonos]

You think you'll be using N in a hotel room? Do you even have N yet?

I dont have it yet, but I know a way to get it that could be succesfull.

 

[ladolcemorte]

I can relate to the theme of squandered opportunity. I have 3 university degrees and I did very well in school but I managed to completely destroy my career.

I had many opportunities at different jobs but I couldn't make anything work. I had so much "potential" and somehow never lived up to it.

 

[Anthagonos]

I can relate to the theme of squandered opportunity. I have 3 university degrees and I did very well in school but I managed to completely destroy my career.

I had many opportunities at different jobs but I couldn't make anything work. I had so much "potential" and somehow never lived up to it.

Why do you think that happened to never lived up to it?

 

[Passersby]

Hey, I find your thread interesting. Sorry your life hasn't worked out the way you wanted it too. I admire your courage of setting a specific date like that. For me that seems like a hard thing to do cause I probably wouldn't end up going through with it when the time came and then I would feel worse. Everyone's different and maybe it helps some people plan more and get things in order and then go. Maybe you could hang out with this girl you mentioned before you die? There are pluses and minuses to being in a relationship even the best ones still add and have lots of Stress. So just think of the peace of mind and added stress that you don't have since you aren't doing that. It might be boring sometime but that the best way you can look at it. Sounds like at this point you have nothing left to lose. I wish you the best! So what if you can't get the N then what do you think you will do? Also at least being with your mom you haven't had to pay rent and have saved some $ right?

 

[Anthagonos]

Hey, I find your thread interesting. Sorry your life hasn't worked out the way you wanted it too. I admire your courage of setting a specific date like that. For me that seems like a hard thing to do cause I probably wouldn't end up going through with it when the time came and then I would feel worse. Everyone's different and maybe it helps some people plan more and get things in order and then go. Maybe you could hang out with this girl you mentioned before you die? There are pluses and minuses to being in a relationship even the best ones still add and have lots of Stress. So just think of the peace of mind and added stress that you don't have since you aren't doing that. It might be boring sometime but that the best way you can look at it. Sounds like at this point you have nothing left to lose. I wish you the best! So what if you can't get the N then what do you think you will do? Also at least being with your mom you haven't had to pay rent and have saved some $ right?

Thanks mate, I appreciate your comments. I have choosen that date because I am on holidays and I think it can be very accurate.
I feel better because I think I will end with all the failures I have made.

Maybe you could hang out with this girl you mentioned before you die?

No, the girl I mentioned is a worker in the same work as me but she is not like us.

There are pluses and minuses to being in a relationship even the best ones still add and have lots of Stress.

I have no idea about relationships because I have never had one. As I told, I was very attractive guy and I have opportunities with girls at school, neighbours, etc.. but I think I was always in very deffensive mode because at home I was in that mode 24/7. I never thought that anyone can spend a good time with a girl. I was very deffensive against society in general.

I wish you the best!

Thanks mate!

So just think of the peace of mind and added stress that you don't have since you aren't doing that.

I think it's depending the girl. If you're ok with the girl, maybe life could be very good.

So what if you can't get the N then what do you think you will do?

Try another similar chemical with similar effects. N is the harder to get, but I think the better. If finally I am not able to get it, then I will try another different chemical.

Also at least being with your mom you haven't had to pay rent and have saved some $ right?

I pay almost all the food that is consumed at home. I don't like to pay zero. I pay 90-100% of the food expenses at home and some medical treatments she needs occasionally. We're 2: her and me.
Yes, I have saved some $ because it's cheaper to live with mom than living without her.

 

[Passersby]

Okay I understand.
Well I'm sure your mom has appreciated your help.
Most people aren't like us that for sure. Lol . We also aren't like them. :)
Ill watch your thread. Good luck with the next month

 

[ladolcemorte]

Why do you think that happened to never lived up to it?

I don't know. I question whether the potential was there to begin with. I think I have been a loser from day one but I was good at hiding it so people had high expectations. Then when I couldn't meet those expectations it was devastating. The more devastated I became, the harder it was to do anything.

 

[Anthagonos]

Okay I understand.
Well I'm sure your mom has appreciated your help.
Most people aren't like us that for sure. Lol . We also aren't like them. :)
Ill watch your thread. Good luck with the next month

I'm sure my mum doesn't appreciate it.
Thanks for following my thread and about the next month.

Then when I couldn't meet those expectations it was devastating. The more devastated I became, the harder it was to do anything.

Exactly. I feel 100% the same.

 

[Isadeth]

I hope you live your last weeks as you want. You seem very interested in this girl... go for it! What do you have to lose? Take her to lunch, go for walks, get icecream, whatever you feel would be a nice way to spend your time with her.

It's also very sweet that you help your mom. Whether she verbally appreciates it or not, I'm sure she does internally.

I wish you the best and will be watching your thread. ♡

 

[Anthagonos]

I hope you live your last weeks as you want. You seem very interested in this girl... go for it! What do you have to lose? Take her to lunch, go for walks, get icecream, whatever you feel would be a nice way to spend your time with her.

It's also very sweet that you help your mom. Whether she verbally appreciates it or not, I'm sure she does internally.

I wish you the best and will be watching your thread. ♡

Well, thank you for your kind words. Live my last weeks as me want? I will try but there is tons of damage done in my live and I have almost lost interest in everything. About the girl she is nice. I will try to meet her and spend good time with her.
I have nothing to loose. I feel bad with myself because I think I have lost tons of opportunities and now I want to spend my last days with a girlfriend and I cannot find one. It's bad to feel that I will never have kids and I will never know them. I think my live has been a sequence of huge mistakes. Tons of questions that will remain without answer forever.

I have always helped my mom, thing that she doesn't done with me. I really needed his help when I was failing at school, failing when I tried to commit ctb when I was 22, etc... and the only person that supposelly was the responsible to helping me... wasn't there.

I know when I ctb it will produce a huge shock to her. But I feel I have no more interest and strength to keep living. I think life gave to me huge opportunities and due to my weird brain I lost each one. Mistake after mistake. If I would have the same opportunities again, I would enjoy life at its maximum. I think I have not enjoyed anything. It hurts too much.

Thanks to keep watching this thread.

Okay I understand.
Well I'm sure your mom has appreciated your help.
Most people aren't like us that for sure. Lol . We also aren't like them. :)
Ill watch your thread. Good luck with the next month

We know we're different Frank.
I will be telling my day by day here.

 

[Isadeth]

Well, thank you for your kind words. Live my last weeks as me want? I will try but there is tons of damage done in my live and I have almost lost interest in everything. About the girl she is nice. I will try to meet her and spend good time with her.
I have nothing to loose. I feel bad with myself because I think I have lost tons of opportunities and now I want to spend my last days with a girlfriend and I cannot find one. It's bad to feel that I will never have kids and I will never know them. I think my live has been a sequence of huge mistakes. Tons of questions that will remain without answer forever.

I have always helped my mom, thing that she doesn't done with me. I really needed his help when I was failing at school, failing when I tried to commit ctb when I was 22, etc... and the only person that supposelly was the responsible to helping me... wasn't there.

I know when I ctb it will produce a huge shock to her. But I feel I have no more interest and strength to keep living. I think life gave to me huge opportunities and due to my weird brain I lost each one. Mistake after mistake. If I would have the same opportunities again, I would enjoy life at its maximum. I think I have not enjoyed anything. It hurts too much.

Thanks to keep watching this thread.

We know we're different Frank.
I will be telling my day by day here.

You're welcome ♡

I'm glad she is a nice girl. Who knows, if you enjoy time with her you might enjoy other things too and have motivation. But I understand the crushing depression and losing the spark in life. Do what you can, and don't put pressure on yourself. And if all else fails and you want company and she's not interested, there's always alternatives nowadays to be less lonely and feel close to someone. ♡

 

[Anthagonos]

You're welcome ♡

I'm glad she is a nice girl. Who knows, if you enjoy time with her you might enjoy other things too and have motivation. But I understand the crushing depression and losing the spark in life. Do what you can, and don't put pressure on yourself. And if all else fails and you want company and she's not interested, there's always alternatives nowadays to be less lonely and feel close to someone. ♡

Yes, she is not the perfect girl but she is ok.
About having motivation I think it's almost impossible at this stage. I only will try to enjoy my last days here if I can. The problem is in the past where I made huge and infinite mistakes. I have destroyed myself. It's very bad because I was a tall, good looking, smart guy and we thought my future will be very great. Now you see how I will die at 34 having made tons of mistakes in my life. I cannot afford that and I want to end asap.

 

[Isadeth]

Yes, she is not the perfect girl but she is ok.
About having motivation I think it's almost impossible at this stage. I only will try to enjoy my last days here if I can. The problem is in the past where I made huge and infinite mistakes. I have destroyed myself. It's very bad because I was a tall, good looking, smart guy and we thought my future will be very great. Now you see how I will die at 34 having made tons of mistakes in my life. I cannot afford that and I want to end asap.

You keep mentioning your looks. Are the infinite mistakes you're referring to involve your appearance? Regarding the girl, it's okay. Nobody is perfect. But if you're interested in her, give it a shot if you feel up for it. :)

 

[Anthagonos]

Day #3 of 34

Today I feel bad. I want to end asap. I feel I have failed very strong at each point in life. I want to stop thinking asap.
I think one of my greatest mistake was when I was 12/13. I feel that each day of my life is a copy from the day before. I cannot afford living the same life for my rest of my life. I hate my job. I work alone at work, so it causes a feel of loneliness that is big. Also I work in the night-time, also I hate it.
Each day is a copy from the day before.

I feel very dissapointed about me because I think I have made nothing in my life. No friends, no traveling, to finishing my studies, not having girlfriend, not having a child, nothing... nothing... all was a mistake. I don't know how I have strongly failed. I feel those "good years" have passed. I feel tired, I feel old, the only thing I want to do is stay at bed all the day. I would like ctb just today, but not possible. I need to way and almost a month is too much for me.

I'm thinking about my mother. She will get a huge shock when she knows her unique son is died. She has no one except me. We have a strong relation.She says I am everything for her. So I don't know how she will react when I will pass away. Maybe I will write a note about saying to her that mine was a natural accident (cardiac arrest, etc...) because is she knows I passed away because I wanted, I don't know what would happen. I don't like to think about my past because I feel very bad.

I think I am very boring person. I have not hobbies, etc... my end is near and I want to finish. Today I will take a look at the hotels. Maybe I will search for a hotel that is near nature, something to relax. I have seen one that I like, but I will look further. Maybe I will spend my day taking a bath and hearing to the sound of the hair dryer. That relaxes me a lot. I am already dead inside. I don't understand how I got to this point. A guy that had a lot of potential, lot of possibilites and... now I am looking to end this asap. What has happened? I have not idea. It could be that I wanted to be someone important in life because when I was child some people told me that I was going to be great in life. Maybe for that reason I refused to study conventional education. I remember one day at high school a woman came to the high school to explain us about her experiences around the world. She was a nun. She gave us a paper with some articles and each one of us should read just one article. When I started reading mine, she asked to keep silence. After that, she said that I will be important in life. For those experiences I was obssesed about getting something important in life and I forgot about enjoying life. The nun case was only one case, but it has happened around 5 times with other people that told me similar things. At home people had high expectations about my future and my potential. Now I cannot afford I failed so bad. I don't want think about anything. I want only that my day arrives asap. I keep looking at my photo album, when I was a child and how I grew up. Sometimes I almost start crying.

You keep mentioning your looks. Are the infinite mistakes you're referring to involve your appearance? Regarding the girl, it's okay. Nobody is perfect. But if you're interested in her, give it a shot if you feel up for it. :)

Well, I keep mentioning my looks because one of the things I think I have failed the most is about not having girlfriend. I was attractive enough to have it. Now I see how I am aging and that makes me think a lot. It's like saying: "How it was possible not to see that huge opportunity never?". It hurts me a lot.
My infinite mistakes involves my potentials: physical appearance, brain, good luck, etc...

I will ask the girl to take something and see what she says.

 

[Isadeth]

A majority of men age very well. It just works for them. Dignified is the word. So while you see yourself aging and a missed opportunity of youth, others see it quite differently. Plus youth isn't all it's cracked up to be lol as a woman, I can tell you that most of us prefer the experienced to life look. take the leap :)

 

[paramhansyogi]

Going to follow you throughout your journey feel free to talk

 

[Anthagonos]

The last days I haven't been posting due to feeling bad about cannot getting N. The provider had N some days ago, but when I tried to get from it said to me that from a week ago it hasn't it.

I have bad luck even to dead.

 

[paramhansyogi]

The last days I haven't been posting due to feeling bad about cannot getting N. The provider had N some days ago, but when I tried to get from it said to me that from a week ago it hasn't it.

I have bad luck even to dead.

It's very easy to get N here in India and its also cheap