selfishness - i don't want my little brother to forget about me

[riamu]

i've been holding on for years because of my baby brother - he's 5 years old and i'm 19. he can be an asshole at times, like every kid, but i love him with all my heart and he's what keeps me on this planet. it's selfish but i really don't want him to forget me. i want him to have (hopefully good) memories of his big sister, but i also don't want him to have to face the harsh reality of death at such a young age.

i have no idea what would be best for him. at his age rn my death would probably be confusing but i think soon enough he'd both get over it and forget about my existence entirely, but the selfish part of me doesn't want that. i want him to be able to remember me and appreciate the memories he has with me but also not have the death of his sibling mess him up too badly, but is there even an age where that applies? if anyone has advice, especially regarding an ideal age to ctb, then i'd love to hear it

 

[vampire2002]

honestly i don't think there's ever an "ideal" age to lose a sibling. it hasn't happened to me personally and i hope it never will, i love my brother dearly as well. but my mom lost her younger brother when she was in her late 30s and it still deeply affected her and made her extremely depressed for many years.

i think when young kids have siblings that die, they don't understand it yet but they'll grow up surrounded by the sadness of their parents and other relatives until they themselves can fully understand what happened to you, especially if it's death by suicide. if you were very close with him, then he'll probably miss you a lot even though he doesn't know why you're gone yet. i think it'd make them grow up quite lonely and their parents wouldn't be able to give the child enough of their energy and care for healthy development since they'll already be quite depressed about losing one of their children.

i'm not trying to guilt trip you or anything, just giving my thoughts. i don't know if losing people ever gets any easier with age, just different. but it is a part of life that we all have to come to terms with sooner or later. so yes, it'll be hard on anybody, regardless of age, to lose their sibling.

 

[AshClouds]

i also don't want him to have to face the harsh reality of death at such a young age.

i want him to be able to remember me and appreciate the memories he has with me but also not have the death of his sibling mess him up too badly

I totally understand. I don't have a sibling that young, but I really wouldn't want my sister to be hurt if I kill myself (I might still do it anyways).

is there even an age where that applies?

When I was 4 years old, one of my grandparents died. I have vague memories of him, and they are happy memories. I remember them taking him away on a gurney, and I asked if he will come back. My grandma told me that he will. I don't know where he died, but its probably in the hospital.

I never realized he passed away, but I did notice his absence.

It wasn't until several years later (maybe I was 7 or 8) that I understood the concept of death. It was then I realized that he died years ago, and I never knew - nobody told me.
I remember being resentful at everyone because I had to figure it out myself. It also made me very sad to realize that he was dead for all this time and that's why he was absent.
To this day I wish they would've told me that he wasn't coming back. They could've soften the blow by telling me that he "went to a better place". Finding out later really wasn't pleasant.

your 5 year old brother might not know if you died.

He'll probably figure it out later. He might be angry that you went away. He's definitely will be very sad about it.
There's no way around it, people naturally will be devastated if someone close them died