selfish to ctb while in a relationship?

[39hatsune]

i need other opinions on this because i really dont know what to think..

so basically, a little while ago i opened up to my bf (gonna probably delete this later so he doesnt find this) that i was suicidal and sort of had a plan in mind if it ever came down to it and literally the first thing he told me was that im very selfish to think of killing myself while in a relationship with him. like ?? yeah that might be true idk but WHY is that the first thing you say lmao

he never comforted me at all at any point, we argued after because he found out i was on this site, banned me from it because its 'full of weird people and its not good for me'

so the reason im posting about it rn is because basically, he said that if i ever cut myself again he will break up with me. so i ended up cutting today and i js told him abt it because i dont wanna bother trying to hide it from him and i also brought up what he said when i told him im suicidal. so he denied saying both things?? he said like, i dont think i would ever do that i didnt say either of those things (including saying that he'll leave me if i cut) so like.. idk what to think like am i in the wrong here??? genuinely tell me if i am

also, during one of my attempts (od) i backed out and told him during it and he like told my sister and they brought me to the hospital (where he kept telling me he loves me and will stay with me forever). afterwards, he was so like cold and said hes only staying with me 'while i get better' and hes watching to make sure i dont kill myself like what?? this was a few months ago

so am i wrong for asking him to apologise about it (which hes refusing to)?? am i right to think thats like insane to tell someone who js told you they wanna die? let me know guys i actually have no idea

um update we just broke up?? he was saying that he thinks im making stuff up but if he really did do that then hes 'a piece of shit' right...

 

[4colliez]

knowing your partner is doing so bad is really hard on people but I think there's a difference between honestly saying "im suicidal and need support" and straight up telling them you're going to commit anyway. but he doesn't sound like a really good partner in the first place so it may be good that you broke up imo

to answer your question I don't think its selfish but its something extremely painful for the other person and brings a lot of guilt. personally if I ctb I would break up with my bf first because I don't want him to have a dead girlfriend and probably wait a bit after it because I really don't want him to believe it's his fault or that he did something or not enough for my own decision.
I hope you are doing okay, im sorry he was so cold to you and don't forget that you're not alone here <3

 

[39hatsune]

knowing your partner is doing so bad is really hard on people but I think there's a difference between honestly saying "im suicidal and need support" and straight up telling them you're going to commit anyway. but he doesn't sound like a really good partner in the first place so it may be good that you broke up imo

to answer your question I don't think its selfish but its something extremely painful for the other person and brings a lot of guilt. personally if I ctb I would break up with my bf first because I don't want him to have a dead girlfriend and probably wait a bit after it because I really don't want him to believe it's his fault or that he did something or not enough for my own decision.
I hope you are doing okay, im sorry he was so cold to you and don't forget that you're not alone here <3

nono i was asking for support, thats why i reached out to him and he knew that

thanks, im sort of glad we broke up, he has a past of abuse towards me but i always let him come back.. ill try not to this time lol

thank you !! you're not alone either thank you for the response and kind words :)

 

[MrHappyFace]

It doesn´t sound like a stable relationship. You have a hard time, and you are upset, it´s okay to feel sad and dissapointed but your relationship is currently not stable. You both are acting your own way, but it´s currently you who has to take a little break from him, so you guys don´t argue and have more time to think about what to do next. A relationship just doesn´t work if it´s too much to cope with together, so it´s better if you can take a little separation and perhaps talk on the phone or text for a while.

 

[4colliez]

nono i was asking for support, thats why i reached out to him and he knew that

thanks, im sort of glad we broke up, he has a past of abuse towards me but i always let him come back.. ill try not to this time lol

thank you !! you're not alone either thank you for the response and kind words :)

I understand, I went through something really similar and its such a hard cycle to stop, especially when your mental health is so bad :( I really hope you'll be okay
honestly if you need it, you can dm im going through something kind of similar now unfortunately

 

[Alpacachino]

gonna probably delete this later so he doesnt find this)

By the way, you can change your username in your account settings for better privacy. So if he knows your current user then you can change it to a new one if you want.

 

[CatLvr]

My gosh, I could have written this about my own husband. I do think he cared for me at some point in time but I think, looking back, that he actually was in love for what he thought I would be for him, because any time things got uncomfortable for some reason (sometimes me, sometimes him, sometimes the ex-s and the kids, sometimes just life) it was ALWAYS my responsibility to make sure he was as unaffected by whatever was going on as would be humanly possible and I NEVER got it right. Just ask him. He would say things to me and then tell me later I misunderstood or it really didn't happen.

I left him a couple of times but came back after promises were made. I cannot say whether he actually meant it and tried his best, or if he knew what he was telling me was lies and he was just saying what he knew I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. We will never know now because he died last year.

I know it seems like you need someone. I do also know it is scary to step out and face this world without someone by your side. I also know that time will go by so much faster than you think and next thing you know you will look back and maybe see that you were the only one who put forth any real effort to make y'alls relationship work.

I cannot answer those questions for you but you DO need to sit down and take a long, hard look in the mirror and decide what your boundaries are. Do NOT just let things happen "organically". And do NOT just take his word for it he has changed if he continues to treat you like this. If you want to try and make it work with him, decide what you will and will not tolerate, put a plan in place so that if things don't work out you won't be left stranded financially (or emotionally) that he absolutely does not have any knowledge of, and then set about making the best of the situation you have in front of you.

Being realistic is not betraying him. I would give him the exact same advice. EVERY single person on the planet needs a "Plan B" in case something happens to "Plan A". Good luck, sweetie.

 

[39hatsune]

I understand, I went through something really similar and its such a hard cycle to stop, especially when your mental health is so bad :( I really hope you'll be okay
honestly if you need it, you can dm im going through something kind of similar now unfortunately

thanks so much!! i hope you situation gets better <3

ill probably drop a dm later on, right now im going over to his to either get my stuff or talk things out..

By the way, you can change your username in your account settings for better privacy. So if he knows your current user then you can change it to a new one if you want.

thanks! he doesnt know it but if he saw my profile itd obviously seem like me lol

It doesn´t sound like a stable relationship. You have a hard time, and you are upset, it´s okay to feel sad and dissapointed but your relationship is currently not stable. You both are acting your own way, but it´s currently you who has to take a little break from him, so you guys don´t argue and have more time to think about what to do next. A relationship just doesn´t work if it´s too much to cope with together, so it´s better if you can take a little separation and perhaps talk on the phone or text for a while.

thank you!

 

[Alpacachino]

um update we just broke up?? he was saying that he thinks im making stuff up but if he really did do that then hes 'a piece of shit' right.

Oh, so is the relationship over?

 

[39hatsune]

My gosh, I could have written this about my own husband. I do think he cared for me at some point in time but I think, looking back, that he actually was in love for what he thought I would be for him, because any time things got uncomfortable for some reason (sometimes me, sometimes him, sometimes the ex-s and the kids, sometimes just life) it was ALWAYS my responsibility to make sure he was as unaffected by whatever was going on as would be humanly possible and I NEVER got it right. Just ask him. He would say things to me and then tell me later I misunderstood or it really didn't happen.

I left him a couple of times but came back after promises were made. I cannot say whether he actually meant it and tried his best, or if he knew what he was telling me was lies and he was just saying what he knew I wanted to hear to get what he wanted. We will never know now because he died last year.

I know it seems like you need someone. I do also know it is scary to step out and face this world without someone by your side. I also know that time will go by so much faster than you think and next thing you know you will look back and maybe see that you were the only one who put forth any real effort to make y'alls relationship work.

I cannot answer those questions for you but you DO need to sit down and take a long, hard look in the mirror and decide what your boundaries are. Do NOT just let things happen "organically". And do NOT just take his word for it he has changed if he continues to treat you like this. If you want to try and make it work with him, decide what you will and will not tolerate, put a plan in place so that if things don't work out you won't be left stranded financially (or emotionally) that he absolutely does not have any knowledge of, and then set about making the best of the situation you have in front of you.

Being realistic is not betraying him. I would give him the exact same advice. EVERY single person on the planet needs a "Plan B" in case something happens to "Plan A". Good luck, sweetie.

thank you!! again, im very sorry about your loss and situation <3

ive tolerated his bs over and over again and i hope to be done this time, just hoping he doesnt get to me a convince me to stay or come back..

Oh, so is the relationship over?

not sure honestly, hes saying he misses me already and wants me to come over even tho he broke up w me lol

he was very abusive when i look back on it, gonna try and not let him get to me this time

 

[Alpacachino]

not sure honestly, hes saying he misses me already and wants me to come over even tho he broke up w me lol

That's not right. Telling someone you want to break up with them is the nuclear option. Shouldn't ever go there unless you really mean it.

If he does this often and he uses this as some sort of a tactic then that's pretty toxic.

 

[CatLvr]

thank you!! again, im very sorry about your loss and situation <3

ive tolerated his bs over and over again and i hope to be done this time, just hoping he doesnt get to me a convince me to stay or come back..

not sure honestly, hes saying he misses me already and wants me to come over even tho he broke up w me lol

he was very abusive when i look back on it, gonna try and not let him get to me this time

Girl!! You are so much stronger than you realize. Take a deep breath and do your thing. One last piece of advice -- if you are concerned about him maybe talking you into something you are not really sure you want then tell him you would appreciate it if he would agree to going no contact for the next 30 days to allow you BOTH to take a breather and see if you want to move forward together or go your separate ways as friends, hopefully. His reaction to that will request will probably tell you everything you need to know ... BUT ...

That gives you both time to catch your breath and even consider if you want to continue on without the constand pressure from love-bombing narcissists often engage in. I have to admit that this approach does come with risks -- what if he decides he really doesn't want you around after all?? Are you okay with that possibility?? And if you are not, then what?? Then you need to figure out exactly what you need to do to keep your sanity while he acts like he acts. Because he will not change one iota -- at least not for the better and definitely not in this lifetime. I will light a candle for you -- you have some serious thinking to do. Be blessed, dear! And remember -- no matter how much you love him, you cannot save him (or your relationship) if he doesn't want the same things you do.

 

[39hatsune]

That's not right. Telling someone you want to break up with them is the nuclear option. Shouldn't ever go there unless you really mean it.

If he does this often and he uses this as some sort of a tactic then that's pretty toxic.

yes he does it very often, hiding in his bathroom rn to come on here but basically so far hes js been rlly touchy n telling me that hes confused and sometimes wants to be with me and sometimes doesnt ?? lmaoo also when im bringing up stuff hes said in the past hes changing it to make it sound better now

Girl!! You are so much stronger than you realize. Take a deep breath and do your thing. One last piece of advice -- if you are concerned about him maybe talking you into something you are not really sure you want then tell him you would appreciate it if he would agree to going no contact for the next 30 days to allow you BOTH to take a breather and see if you want to move forward together or go your separate ways as friends, hopefully. His reaction to that will request will probably tell you everything you need to know ... BUT ...

That gives you both time to catch your breath and even consider if you want to continue on without the constand pressure from love-bombing narcissists often engage in. I have to admit that this approach does come with risks -- what if he decides he really doesn't want you around after all?? Are you okay with that possibility?? And if you are not, then what?? Then you need to figure out exactly what you need to do to keep your sanity while he acts like he acts. Because he will not change one iota -- at least not for the better and definitely not in this lifetime. I will light a candle for you -- you have some serious thinking to do. Be blessed, dear! And remember -- no matter how much you love him, you cannot save him (or your relationship) if he doesn't want the same things you do.

thank you so much!! right now, he's basically telling me he does want to be together but i think i am okay with the possibility of him not being there. like it makes me sad to think about it and i know ill be devastated throughout the next week at least but i just dont want to be treated this way anymore.. ill go with your suggestion and ask the 30 day thing, see how it goes

thanks so much !!

 

[ipmanwc0]

i don't think you should forgive abuse. why would he change? you do you but i would break up and block him

 

[LeGentilePhantome]

I understand yur feelings it is hard to be in that situation.