Venting Selfish Loneliness

[ABadPerson]

I contemplate a lot about loneliness, not exactly the conventional norms of the term but moreso the kind where it feels as though I'm destined to be wired this way, like something is written into my blueprint.

It's strange because, by most measures, I wouldn't be considered lonely… I had friendships, relationships, acquaintances etc; I've been surrounded by people, yet none of it ever felt as though it was enough. Not in the way that this body considers enough, atleast.

It feels even worse, but at the same time better, now that I have cut people completely off outside of being friendly on the surface; it all felt too fake to me, or just suffocating as I wanted something more; I just don't feel 'special' enough.

I have this pattern where I have an unhealthy attachment to a specific person, not romantically but just… Someone, like a person who weirdly able to make even my most emotionally disconnected inner world feel something again. So I would emotionally centre my entire inner world around, like a celestial body I just naturally gravitate towards and fixate a bit too hard.

Paradoxically, I would form a larger and larger irresistible urge to just leave the person to never talk again the closer I get with them as I know how toxic I am; it's rational yet it hurts a lot more when they do want to talk again, and do genuinely seem to care/miss me even if it's not the way I do.

I know it isn't fair, and it's definitely not something that I should be doing but I just can't help it; it just starts to feel as though they are the only person that I need. It's how I stay tethered…

So when I realise I'm not really that person for them, or anyone really, it feels pretty devastating. I would face the reality where I centred my inner world around them but I'm only a small piece of theirs, yet I can't expand my world beyond that as nothing else gets me to be this way the same way that person would.

It's like, nothing truly mattered until they give me some attention. It sounds attention seeky, maybe because it is; just not in a way people would think, like I don't care about stares or admiration or the bunch of people around the world knowing me… I just crave to have a place in someone's inner world, a role only I can fill. I want to matter singularly. Not to many. Just to one.

It's selfish, and cruel to expect but I'm a selfish and cruel guy.

 

[TheCavernousDeep.]

"I just crave to have a place in someone's inner world, a role only I can fill."
I think this is a vice that I share too. It just feels so nice to be depended on. And I also feel like the drive to be close to someone is just overwhelming. Like, so much of my mood is dependent on if I'm in a relationship or how it's going. And I also relate to the feeling of betrayal if I'm not that person.

Those feelings really mix with guilt for me, because I dated a girl with BPD who took her own life after we broke up. I wonder if this desire for dependence ended up driving us together, or causing me to feed into the worst of her illness. Looking back I can't see any specific instances of that (I was so traumatized by a past relationship that ended because I was called out for being 'codependent' that I feel like I took a lot of deliberate actions to push her to have her own support system and interests outside of me), but idk, it definitely adds to the guilt.

I don't think it's selfish to be dependent. Life is all about the golden rule right? You say you're heartbroken if you realize someone doesn't need you, that kinda makes it sound like you need them. And if you're willing to depend on someone like that, how could it be selfish to want the same? To expect the same, yes maybe that's a little selfish, but just to want it? I don't think so.

 

[ABadPerson]

"I just crave to have a place in someone's inner world, a role only I can fill."
I think this is a vice that I share too. It just feels so nice to be depended on. And I also feel like the drive to be close to someone is just overwhelming. Like, so much of my mood is dependent on if I'm in a relationship or how it's going. And I also relate to the feeling of betrayal if I'm not that person.

Those feelings really mix with guilt for me, because I dated a girl with BPD who took her own life after we broke up. I wonder if this desire for dependence ended up driving us together, or causing me to feed into the worst of her illness. Looking back I can't see any specific instances of that (I was so traumatized by a past relationship that ended because I was called out for being 'codependent' that I feel like I took a lot of deliberate actions to push her to have her own support system and interests outside of me), but idk, it definitely adds to the guilt.

I don't think it's selfish to be dependent. Life is all about the golden rule right? You say you're heartbroken if you realize someone doesn't need you, that kinda makes it sound like you need them. And if you're willing to depend on someone like that, how could it be selfish to want the same? To expect the same, yes maybe that's a little selfish, but just to want it? I don't think so.

Rereading this reply in a clearer headspace (I was super sleep deprived and anxious making the post) really made it reach to me a lot more, haha.

Thanks, genuinely. I'm glad I'm not alone in this sort of thinking, even if it isn't exactly a good thing…