Self sabotage worked a little too well, my CTB date is tomorrow or the day after!

[notforl0ng]

I'll be homeless starting tomorrow night due to an argument I could have avoided but chose to pursue. The plan is all coming together, I guess. I won't be able to test SN as it's coming to an address I'm no longer welcome at, so I'm going to be jumping. While I'm on the bus there I'll post a thread of where it is so you guys can check the news and confirm if you're interested. I just wanted to thank all of you here beforehand, I only wish I discovered this forum sooner as it has a lot of genuinely nice souls on it. I have a few affairs I need to get in order so I'll be silent on here for the next little while.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Man, this absolutely breaks my heart to hear, I'm so sorry your situation did not turn out for the best. I dont know what else to say but i really wish things turned out differently, THIS SUCKS.

 

[Ninja_Master]

Best of luck man, in this life or the other, hopefully everything turns out fine for you.

 

[Dliena]

I'm really sorry things had to end like this OP and wishing you eternal peace from this sickening vile world.

 

[tbroken]

I feel sorry for you, but I'll feel glad if you'd mange to find a job and start a new life elsewhere.

 

[FuneralCry]

I wish you the best of luck in your plans, I hope that you find the freedom you search for.

 

[SVEN]

Every good wish, so sorry it has come to this and things are moving very fast. I hope you find peace and rest.

 

[ctbcat]

was always nice seeing your posts here... i hope you find peace.

 

[notforl0ng]

I feel sorry for you, but I'll feel glad if you'd mange to find a job and start a new life elsewhere.

I've already done that five or six times and it always ends the same way. My mental illness will follow me everywhere I go sadly. My optimism is long gone and I'm tired.

Man, this absolutely breaks my heart to hear, I'm so sorry your situation did not turn out for the best. I dont know what else to say but i really wish things turned out differently, THIS SUCKS.

Thank you buddy. I've enjoyed talking with you and many of the others here in the short time I've been here. I lurked for a long time before making an account, but I can tell you're all good souls who deserve better. I wish it could have turned out better, too. Maybe reincarnation is real, thinking of that makes it easier to swallow haha.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Thank you buddy. I've enjoyed talking with you and many of the others here in the short time I've been here. I lurked for a long time before making an account, but I can tell you're all good souls who deserve better. I wish it could have turned out better, too. Maybe reincarnation is real, thinking of that makes it easier to swallow haha.

This brings a sadness to me I haven't felt in a while, I was hoping you'd stick around for longer because I truly enjoyed seeing you here and I found our interactions something to learn from and enjoy no matter how short they were. Whatever brings you comfort makes sense at such a time like this, I just wish I had better words to convey...I'm really sorry about all of this, it absolutely fucking sucks, I just hate how things turn out like this.

 

[Justnotme]

How is the process of receiving a parcel in your country? Can't you go to the post office with your documents to pick up your sodium nitrite?

Or do parcels in your country only get delivered to the door of your house /apartment?

If parcels are delivered only to the door, then do you have the opportunity to contact the deliverer so that he gives you your parcel (sodium nitrite) in your hands, but not at your home, but in any other place?

You can show him the documents that verify your identity to prove that this is your package and not someone else's.

Do my words sound very stupid?

 

[notforl0ng]

This brings a sadness to me I haven't felt in a while, I was hoping you'd stick around for longer because I truly enjoyed seeing you here and I found our interactions something to learn from and enjoy no matter how short they were. Whatever brings you comfort makes sense at such a time like this, I just wish I had better words to convey...I'm really sorry about all of this, it absolutely fucking sucks, I just hate how things turn out like this.

I found the same thing buddy. There's a lot of bright people here who deserve better. If it makes you feel any better, I'm completely at peace with the idea and have been for a while now. Spending time here for the couple weeks has made it a lot easier to forget and get through what I'm dealing with.

How is the process of receiving a parcel in your country? Can't you go to the post office with your documents to pick up your sodium nitrite?

Or do parcels in your country only get delivered to the door of your house /apartment?

If parcels are delivered only to the door, then do you have the opportunity to contact the deliverer so that he gives you your parcel (sodium nitrite) in your hands, but not at your home, but in any other place?

You can show him the documents that verify your identity to prove that this is your package and not someone else's.

Do my words sound very stupid?

Your words aren't stupid. My concern is having to struggle on the streets without enough money to really survive or do anything for the next three weeks until the SN gets to my country. I ordered it 8 days ago and it still has a long way to go. I'd rather not put myself through any more discomfort or things that could go wrong like not being able to afford a scale to properly measure out the SN. Jumping is a surefire way, and my only regret about choosing it is the innocent people who'll have to see it. I'm choosing a very public spot for it and somebody's going to be affected. It's a selfish, piece of shit move, but it's too hard to cope and I need an escape plan while I'm able to. I'm getting my last month of rent refunded to me tomorrow, not enough for anything more than a motel room for a few nights, so I'm probably gonna eat some good food and go for a long walk tomorrow while I think about things. Hit my favourite bar maybe and break my sobriety, I'm going to have to anyway to break my inevitable SI. I'm spending the rest of today saying the things I need to to the few people I have left and then I'll CTB once I'm out with everything I own in a backpack. That's the way she goes sometimes. I know for a fact I'd be able to persevere, get another place, and rebuild my life yet another time. I just don't have the energy anymore. I appreciate the idea, though. SN would be more peaceful and less harmful for everybody involved.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

I found the same thing buddy. There's a lot of bright people here who deserve better. If it makes you feel any better, I'm completely at peace with the idea and have been for a while now.

In that case, as hard as it is for me to say this, I hope you find peace going forward and it's gonna suck not seeing you around, I'm thankful for our interactions.

 

[notforl0ng]

In that case, as hard as it is for me to say this, I hope you find peace going forward and it's gonna suck not seeing you around, I'm thankful for our interactions.

Me too, man. You give great, well thought out advice and are a good asset to this community as well as a good person. I just have a feeling about that.

 

[CasperDaGhost]

I'm actually in the exact same situation. I had an argument with the person I live with, I could've stepped back, not argued. But I've been procrastinating on it for a long time and I wanted a set deadline, so I pushed forwards and gave myself a specific date. Just know you aren't alone in dealing with this.

 

[Deleted member 65988]

Me too, man. You give great, well thought out advice and are a good asset to this community as well as a good person. I just have a feeling about that.

I simply have no words, that means the world to me. Thank you for everything.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Sorry you're going so soon. I hope you have a smooth journey and find the peace you're seeking! :)

 

[drownll]

In the same boat kinda
My last solution is the marine, just a short contract to save money and get a comfortable independance. My tests are in a few days and i haven't trained once. I can do like 4 pull ups and my cardio is absolutely terrible.
If they refuse me i will probably become homeless so then i will have no choice but to ctb. Jumping seems to be the most accessible for a homeless person but it scares me a lot. I originally planned to partial.
Regardless of your decision, i hope that your suffering ends. Please update us.

 

[notforl0ng]

In the same boat kinda
My last solution is the marine, just a short contract to save money and get a comfortable independance. My tests are in a few days and i haven't trained once. I can do like 4 pull ups and my cardio is absolutely terrible.
If they refuse me i will probably become homeless so then i will have no choice but to ctb. Jumping seems to be the most accessible for a homeless person but it scares me a lot. I originally planned to partial.
Regardless of your decision, i hope that your suffering ends. Please update us.

Jumping is scary as fuck and I don't even know if I have the balls to do it. I've been at the top of jumpable spots before but froze and just ended up staring at the ground. This time I've researched the area very carefully, know exactly how high the bridge is and that my odds are CTB are really good if not certain. Gonna get drunk as hell on the train and bus ride there, it's going to be like a 2 1/2 hour commute so if it's not something I want to do there's plenty of time to change my mind. I'm just going to stay away from the bridge until I'm ready, drop my bag somewhere and go jump off without thinking about it. Seems to be the only way. I hope I don't freeze up or I'll feel like an idiot after posting this thread, but I've never been so sure about doing something in my life lol. We'll see.

I hope your marine tests go okay. Hold off becoming homeless as long as you can unless you have a surefire way to CTB, because if you've never been before it's one of the worst things ever.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

Jumping is scary as fuck and I don't even know if I have the balls to do it. I've been at the top of jumpable spots before but froze and just ended up staring at the ground. This time I've researched the area very carefully, know exactly how high the bridge is and that my odds are CTB are really good if not certain. Gonna get drunk as hell on the train and bus ride there, it's going to be like a 2 1/2 hour commute so if it's not something I want to do there's plenty of time to change my mind. I'm just going to stay away from the bridge until I'm ready, drop my bag somewhere and go jump off without thinking about it. Seems to be the only way. I hope I don't freeze up or I'll feel like an idiot after posting this thread, but I've never been so sure about doing something in my life lol. We'll see.

I hope your marine tests go okay. Hold off becoming homeless as long as you can unless you have a surefire way to CTB, because if you've never been before it's one of the worst things ever.

Hey buddy, there's tonnes of people who've made threads and backed out. Nobody around here will judge you one bit, so don't worry about that.

 

[tbroken]

Hey buddy, there's tonnes of people who've made threads and backed out. Nobody around here will judge you one bit, so don't worry about that.

Agree, think about it. If there is still a single possibility to make it better, use it :)

PS: Don't go crazy, because if you fail it will be even worst in the future.

 

[lifewasawillowtv]

Sorry you couldn't hang around long enough for the SN. At least jumping is a much quicker way to go out if it's from the right height. Good luck with everything.

 

[Vesiira]

I'm so sorry it has all come to this. I wish you well in whatever you choose to do! I hope it brings you peace. <3

 

[walkingdead2023]

I'll be homeless starting tomorrow night due to an argument I could have avoided but chose to pursue. The plan is all coming together, I guess. I won't be able to test SN as it's coming to an address I'm no longer welcome at, so I'm going to be jumping. While I'm on the bus there I'll post a thread of where it is so you guys can check the news and confirm if you're interested. I just wanted to thank all of you here beforehand, I only wish I discovered this forum sooner as it has a lot of genuinely nice souls on it. I have a few affairs I need to get in order so I'll be silent on here for the next little while.

I'm so sorry I wish I'm close by to help you with a place! Please don't do anything risky that might disable you forever…I don't know why this life is so difficult I honestly hate good people like you leaving

 

[Gonnerr]

An advice for not having to live on the street or shelter , you enter a high rise building, there is always somebody that will let you in.

You go to the top floor and you can sleep there hidden , nobody take the emergency stairs at the top floor so you can sleep there with a 20$ inflatable matress.

Or there is always a door from the top floor that lead to the roof , there is some nice spot to hide there in between.

I saw a guy who do that on a youtube video and i personnally tried it here in my city. Just checking my option if i become homeless, there is no way im sleeping on the street or in a shelter.

You can always sleep in a cemetery during the season when it nice outside in a tent, you enter at night and leave in the morning , nobody sleeps in a cemetery, you will.be alone between tombstone.

During the day , you eat at the shelter.

 

[Captive_Mind515]

An advice for not having to live on the street or shelter , you enter a high rise building, there is always somebody that will let you in.

You go to the top floor and you can sleep there hidden , nobody take the emergency stairs at the top floor so you can sleep there with a 20$ inflatable matress.

Or there is always a door from the top floor that lead to the roof , there is some nice spot to hide there in between.

I saw a guy who do that on a youtube video and i personnally tried it here in my city. Just checking my option if i become homeless, there is no way im sleeping on the street or in a shelter.

You can always sleep in a cemetery during the season when it nice outside in a tent, you enter at night and leave in the morning , nobody sleeps in a cemetery, you will.be alone between tombstone.

During the day , you eat at the shelter.

There's actually some interesting YouTube channels showing how to stealth camp. Some of these guys are very clever with how they pull it off.

If you pick up some quality gear, its not impossible to make it work. But it's a bit different to going out camping for the weekend, you need to get some robust durable equipment that can take a bit of a beating. Strangely enough, the heavy gear is actually less expensive because all the hikers want ultralight weight gear.

These two channels have great advice/ideas. The Canadian guy isn't actually homeless, but he's very knowledgeable on how to stay hidden in plain sight.

 

[notforl0ng]

An advice for not having to live on the street or shelter , you enter a high rise building, there is always somebody that will let you in.

You go to the top floor and you can sleep there hidden , nobody take the emergency stairs at the top floor so you can sleep there with a 20$ inflatable matress.

Or there is always a door from the top floor that lead to the roof , there is some nice spot to hide there in between.

I saw a guy who do that on a youtube video and i personnally tried it here. Just checking my option if i become homeless

During the day , you eat at the shelter.

There's actually some interesting YouTube channels showing how to stealth camp. Some of these guys are very clever with how they pull it off.

If you pick up some quality gear, its not impossible to make it work. But it's a bit different to going out camping for the weekend, you need to get some robust durable equipment that can take a bit of a beating. Strangely enough, the heavy gear is actually less expensive because all the hikers want ultralight weight gear.

These two channels have great advice/ideas. The Canadian guy isn't actually homeless, but he's very knowledgeable on how to stay hidden in plain sight.

I love Steve Wallis and Rob the Nomad. Steve in particular taught me the basics of stealth camping. I live in Canada and it's too cold to make it happen, sadly. Steve ends up bringing hot tents with wood or propane stoves and stuff like that when he's in extreme cold. I just don't have the energy to do it again. I've been homeless on and off since I was 17.