pagedelight
Member
- Dec 25, 2023
- 27
I just felt like writing this. I have no outlets really so I figured I might as well.
What is my main problem (the reason I want to commit suicide)?
My main problem is that I cannot sleep. I don't know what has caused this issue specifically, but when I lie down I feel wired. I suspect it has to do with the psych meds I've been placed on and that the affects themselves are permanent. My brain just won't shut off and so I get no reprieve from being awake. This has impacts on my willpower during the day as I no longer want to do anything because of my lack of sleep. This has been happening for three months now and has shown no sign of getting better. It feels as though I'm being tortured day in and day out.
Do I want to die?
Yes and No. I think that if there were a solution to my main problem, that I would very much prefer to stay alive and would not contemplate killing myself as much. Though there are probably several rational reasons as to why I would want to kill myself outside of the main issue. I'm a college drop-out, with zero career prospects living in an expensive city and with zero interest in becoming a self-responsible adult. I can hardly take care of myself. My processing power is apparently lower than most according to my neuropsych evaluation, which tracks with my general ineptitude when it comes to my day to day affairs. The fact that I can't sleep only really stresses these problems.
Why am I still alive?
Fear, accidents, poor planning. I almost CTB'd via the CO Method a week ago, but was dragged out by someone who I had partnered up with for the method (they didn't seem to be on the verge of dying which meant that they would likely have been charged for abetting a suicide) I was so close to dying and had passed out without even realizing it. I had made an attempt to throw myself off a bridge into freezing new England water, but was scared of doing so. Now I have obtained my SN but cannot use it because I have not fasted long enough yet. I don't have any antiemetics besides quetiapine which would take me TWO weeks of use to possibly have an effect.
What do I fear most about dying?
I was indoctrinated into religion from a young age. Of course with Abrahamic faith there is the concept of heaven and hell. I've been doing my best to sort of irrationalize the idea of hell existing and whether or not a God would send someone there. Obviously there's the fear of the unknown that comes with dying. Going from one state you've been in your entire life to another state that you haven't. I'm also afraid that my attempt won't work and I'll be left alive (the fear of failing to CTB).
What is my ideal way of dying?
Ideally I'd take a method like CO or SN where dying is relatively peaceful.
What is my main problem (the reason I want to commit suicide)?
My main problem is that I cannot sleep. I don't know what has caused this issue specifically, but when I lie down I feel wired. I suspect it has to do with the psych meds I've been placed on and that the affects themselves are permanent. My brain just won't shut off and so I get no reprieve from being awake. This has impacts on my willpower during the day as I no longer want to do anything because of my lack of sleep. This has been happening for three months now and has shown no sign of getting better. It feels as though I'm being tortured day in and day out.
Do I want to die?
Yes and No. I think that if there were a solution to my main problem, that I would very much prefer to stay alive and would not contemplate killing myself as much. Though there are probably several rational reasons as to why I would want to kill myself outside of the main issue. I'm a college drop-out, with zero career prospects living in an expensive city and with zero interest in becoming a self-responsible adult. I can hardly take care of myself. My processing power is apparently lower than most according to my neuropsych evaluation, which tracks with my general ineptitude when it comes to my day to day affairs. The fact that I can't sleep only really stresses these problems.
Why am I still alive?
Fear, accidents, poor planning. I almost CTB'd via the CO Method a week ago, but was dragged out by someone who I had partnered up with for the method (they didn't seem to be on the verge of dying which meant that they would likely have been charged for abetting a suicide) I was so close to dying and had passed out without even realizing it. I had made an attempt to throw myself off a bridge into freezing new England water, but was scared of doing so. Now I have obtained my SN but cannot use it because I have not fasted long enough yet. I don't have any antiemetics besides quetiapine which would take me TWO weeks of use to possibly have an effect.
What do I fear most about dying?
I was indoctrinated into religion from a young age. Of course with Abrahamic faith there is the concept of heaven and hell. I've been doing my best to sort of irrationalize the idea of hell existing and whether or not a God would send someone there. Obviously there's the fear of the unknown that comes with dying. Going from one state you've been in your entire life to another state that you haven't. I'm also afraid that my attempt won't work and I'll be left alive (the fear of failing to CTB).
What is my ideal way of dying?
Ideally I'd take a method like CO or SN where dying is relatively peaceful.
