Venting Self loathing

[agony1996]

Does anybody hate themselves so much to the point that you want to ctb?
I used to have so much pride in myself,
I was beautiful, smart and had a good personality, omg I sound so stuck up but this is accredited to other people, well I'm not going to lie, I felt that way as well but now I feel ugly, stupid I can't even spell simple words, my punctuation is horrible so please bear with me if I misspell. Anyway I hate myself so much to the point that I can no longer go out or talk to someone. I haven't left my house in 6 months.I'm not exaggerating. I'm so depressed and I'm so much emotional pain that the simplest of tasks, like getting up and shower takes unbelievable strength. I can't live like this anymore, it's not a life and my pain is so unbearable to the point that it becomes physical as well.
I have this huge knot in throat and stomach which never leaves and it makes it hard to breathe so I really don't have any opinion but to ctb but I'm really scared, scared of the act of dying that moment that you use your method, it scares me so much and for some reason I keep seeing myself in a coffin and it scares tge hell out of me so I don't know how to get over that.sorry for the long rant.

 

[vadim]

I once had an inflated opinion of myself as a child because of adults telling me I was smart. Although I struggled socially, it didn't affect my overall happiness much because I truly believed it was just because I was too smart/talented/creative to fit in with the pigeons (I was an incredibly arrogant person and probably would have been a bully if I'd had more social power).

All of that has changed now. I struggle to manage even the bare minimum in college and I've failed so many classes that I'll be graduating much later than all those former peers who I thought were stupid and beneath me, and I often find myself feeling like the dumbest person in the room now that I'm surrounded by people with above room temperature iq. It would be wrong to call myself an underachiever because that would mean I'm achieving below my potential, it's actually the case that I'm an just an intellectual lightweight who was never as bright as I thought I was.

All the hopes I had for my future have been shattered as I've found myself a useless person falling behind everyone they know. I can't stand my situation but I can't see a way out of it. There's no job that meets the criteria of; within my abilities, something I want to do, will make me money. On top of that, I'm completely alone because I'm an inherently unlikeable person and repel people by being a net negative in their lives. I'm just incapable of connecting with people, the fact that I haven't managed to make a single friend within 3 years of being at the easiest place to make friends (university) is clear evidence of that.

I want to kill myself because I don't want to continue living as myself and I can't change (I've tried).

 

[agony1996]

I once had an inflated opinion of myself as a child because of adults telling me I was smart. Although I struggled socially, it didn't affect my overall happiness much because I truly believed it was just because I was too smart/talented/creative to fit in with the pigeons (I was an incredibly arrogant person and probably would have been a bully if I'd had more social power).

All of that has changed now. I struggle to manage even the bare minimum in college and I've failed so many classes that I'll be graduating much later than all those former peers who I thought were stupid and beneath me, and I often find myself feeling like the dumbest person in the room now that I'm surrounded by people with above room temperature iq. It would be wrong to call myself an underachiever because that would mean I'm achieving below my potential, it's actually the case that I'm an just an intellectual lightweight who was never as bright as I thought I was.

All the hopes I had for my future have been shattered as I've found myself a useless person falling behind everyone they know. I can't stand my situation but I can't see a way out of it. There's no job that meets the criteria of; within my abilities, something I want to do, will make me money. On top of that, I'm completely alone because I'm an inherently unlikeable person and repel people by being a net negative in their lives. I'm just incapable of connecting with people, the fact that I haven't managed to make a single friend within 3 years of being at the easiest place to make friends (university) is clear evidence of that.

I want to kill myself because I don't want to continue living as myself and I can't change (I've tried).

First of all being a bully means that you're hurting inside.I completely get what you mean by feeling stupid and not wanting people to see me.I don't like people even putting they're eyes on me so you're not alone. Don't be so hard on yourself about not achieving academically, it's difficult to achieve when you have social phobia. Maybe you haven't made friends because you push people away, that's what I do.
Anytime you want to chat or vent I'm here.

 

[vadim]

First of all being a bully means that you're hurting inside.I completely get what you mean by feeling stupid and not wanting people to see me.I don't like people even putting they're eyes on me so you're not alone. Don't be so hard on yourself about not achieving academically, it's difficult to achieve when you have social phobia. Maybe you haven't made friends because you push people away, that's what I do.
Anytime you want to chat or vent I'm here.

I haven't achieved academically because I'm just not cut out to do the work. Regarding not being able to make friends, it's true that I push people away, but that's by being someone who no healthy, self-respecting person would want to be around. I've had a breakthrough recently which is that one of the biggest things stopping me from making friends is that I'm not interested enough in other people. I'm self-absorbed and only care about myself, never think to ask others questions about themselves, and have the awful tendency to not listen to what people say and only think about what I want to say next. I want someone to understand and listen to me and show that they care but I don't want to give anything in return. I don't know how to be any other way, I want to change so I can have what I want (again, purely selfish intentions) but I can't pluck empathy and concern for others out of thin air. My inability to make friends is partially (majorly?) due to me being an awful person. I appreciate your kind words and offer to talk though and I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now, I wish I had anything better to say besides I know how it feels.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

Originally, and for most of my life, I wanted to die in part due to my self-hatred. I don't think I've ever liked myself before. When I was younger I used to feel neutral about myself and only hated certain aspects of my appearance (I hated having curly hair and I thought that I was fat. It took up until grade 9 for me to realize and accept that I was thin). It only got worse as I got older, and while I'm in a better place mentally I still don't like myself. I don't have anything to take pride in myself for, as I am lacking in looks, intellectual, talent, personality, and just about any redeeming qualities. I've come to just accept that.

 

[agony1996]

Originally, and for most of my life, I wanted to die in part due to my self-hatred. I don't think I've ever liked myself before. When I was younger I used to feel neutral about myself and only hated certain aspects of my appearance (I hated having curly hair and I thought that I was fat. It took up until grade 9 for me to realize and accept that I was thin). It only got worse as I got older, and while I'm in a better place mentally I still don't like myself. I don't have anything to take pride in myself for, as I am lacking in looks, intellectual, talent, personality, and just about any redeeming qualities. I've come to just accept that.

You know I'm going to say this to you but I don't apply it to myself. Maybe it's in your head and you're not all the negative things you think you are. You're probably saying to yourself that it's not true and that I'm just saying that because it's exactly how I think when people tell me that so I totally understand you.

 

[EvisceratedJester]

You know I'm going to say this to you but I don't apply it to myself. Maybe it's in your head and you're not all the negative things you think you are. You're probably saying to yourself that it's not true and that I'm just saying that because it's exactly how I think when people tell me that so I totally understand you.

It is all true though.

 

[agony1996]

I haven't achieved academically because I'm just not cut out to do the work. Regarding not being able to make friends, it's true that I push people away, but that's by being someone who no healthy, self-respecting person would want to be around. I've had a breakthrough recently which is that one of the biggest things stopping me from making friends is that I'm not interested enough in other people. I'm self-absorbed and only care about myself, never think to ask others questions about themselves, and have the awful tendency to not listen to what people say and only think about what I want to say next. I want someone to understand and listen to me and show that they care but I don't want to give anything in return. I don't know how to be any other way, I want to change so I can have what I want (again, purely selfish intentions) but I can't pluck empathy and concern for others out of thin air. My inability to make friends is partially (majorly?) due to me being an awful person. I appreciate your kind words and offer to talk though and I'm sorry you're struggling so much right now, I wish I had anything better to say besides I know how it feels.

First of all it's a good thing that you know why people people don't get close to you cause a lot of people don't realize why people aren't getting close to them and wanting to make friends with them.
It's complicated though if you don't give back to others what they give to you but realizing why is a good step.
Well you can talk to me and can be yourself, anytime

 

[mrpeter]

I swear, self-hatred is literally the worst feeling ever. There is nothing more painful than hating someone, that you have to spend time with for the rest of your life, and that never goes away. Someone you actually have control over, but still manages to be a shitty person. Doing something horrible or stupid feels even worse than someone doing something horrible to you because of the fact it was YOUR CHOICE, so you can't just put the blame on someone else.