Venting Self-hatred

[Menschenmühle]

As always, I come here and vent a little, but I have nothing meaningful to say. Therefore, I'll just say whatever comes to mind. I hope some of you wouldn't find that too bothersome.

I feel as if I'm not equipped to deal with the world. I see the people around me, and I feel totally disconnected from them. I just don't understand how they're able to deal with all the shit that comes their way. Whether it is school, jobs, relationships, it just seems that whatever problems they may have, at the end of the day, they're able to deal with them, to sort them out, so to speak. I, on the other hand, I just find everything a bit too much. I just can't tolerate the environment I'm put in. This leads to a situation where I'm left behind, where I grow older, and find that I'm failing at everything that functioning adult should normally succeed at. If I continue any further with my constant failures, then I'm sure that one point, I'll find myself totally isolated, alone, rejected by the world and its people, because I simply couldn't tolerate or manage any of it.

This is where suicide comes to mind. It seems that it's the only way forward, a one size fits all solution to my problems. However, I'm afraid that I'm only thinking of suicide just as a way to cope. I'll say for example "oh, I have this problem that I can't find no solution to. What should I do? Oh well, I'll just end up killing myself anyways, so it doesn't matter!". I just hope this is not the case. It seems that I'd have to develop a will, strong enough to make me commit and see done what needs to be done. Just enough courage to end it all. For now, I'm just biding my time, but there has to be a moment where I say "this is it". What else can I do, can I simply accept that I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life? I can't come to terms with that sort of conclusion, if I do, then I'm clearly in hell.

 

[cgrtt.brns]

can definitely relate to this. i feel like im missing a vital part of me thats supposed to know how to deal with things. instead i just keep saying "ill be dead eventually, who cares"

 

[light.house.71]

As always, I come here and vent a little, but I have nothing meaningful to say. Therefore, I'll just say whatever comes to mind. I hope some of you wouldn't find that too bothersome.

I feel as if I'm not equipped to deal with the world. I see the people around me, and I feel totally disconnected from them. I just don't understand how they're able to deal with all the shit that comes their way. Whether it is school, jobs, relationships, it just seems that whatever problems they may have, at the end of the day, they're able to deal with them, to sort them out, so to speak. I, on the other hand, I just find everything a bit too much. I just can't tolerate the environment I'm put in. This leads to a situation where I'm left behind, where I grow older, and find that I'm failing at everything that functioning adult should normally succeed at. If I continue any further with my constant failures, then I'm sure that one point, I'll find myself totally isolated, alone, rejected by the world and its people, because I simply couldn't tolerate or manage any of it.

This is where suicide comes to mind. It seems that it's the only way forward, a one size fits all solution to my problems. However, I'm afraid that I'm only thinking of suicide just as a way to cope. I'll say for example "oh, I have this problem that I can't find no solution to. What should I do? Oh well, I'll just end up killing myself anyways, so it doesn't matter!". I just hope this is not the case. It seems that I'd have to develop a will, strong enough to make me commit and see done what needs to be done. Just enough courage to end it all. For now, I'm just biding my time, but there has to be a moment where I say "this is it". What else can I do, can I simply accept that I'm going to be miserable for the rest of my life? I can't come to terms with that sort of conclusion, if I do, then I'm clearly in hell.

I also wonder why some people seem able to take all life throws at them in stride. Frequently, I think it's because they have strong support systems - family, friends, church, colleagues - that convey the message that, "Hey, I hear that you're feeling really down, but I really care about you and have your back." My experience has generally followed this pattern: "I get that you're feeling really down, but it feels overwhelming to me so I don't know how to be there for you." Or this: You've been in therapy your whole life, shouldn't you be cured by now?"

About ten years ago I first started getting serious about the possibility that it was time to remove myself from the plant. So I booted up my laptop and began composing a suicide note to my two young boys. It was one of the most heartfelt, beautiful things I've ever written. It wasn't lost on me that it took a suicide note to evoke feelings of love for my children. My circumstances changed unexpectedly so I put the note on hold. But I saved it for nearly two and reread it frequently.

Completing suicide shouldn't be held against anyone. All journeys have an ending. We have the right to compose the final chapters however we see fit.

 

[Bigsmoke777]

I relate to this too. It's hard to explain to someone that I just cant cope. I just cant and I never could. Its always been painful and horrible. Even as a kid, just doing normal things. You cant make sense of the insensible I guess, and its insensible for existing to be this difficult the entire time.

 

[FuneralCry]

I just think it's true that not everyone is meant to exist here, existing simply isn't for everyone and I know that it could never be for me. But it must be so tiring being trapped in that situation, I just wish that suicide isn't so difficult in this awful world.