Hello everyone, this is my first post here, i wanted to write down some realizations i had about self hatred. Everyone else (my therapist and my "close friends") just try to tell me that i am a valuable person but it never works, it never works because self hatred is a deep rooted cancer inside ones soul (at least that's how i feel about it). Self hatred is not something you can disassemble easily with logic because it's not based around logic. My brain has already decided that i am a piece of garbage and is constantly looking for ways to prove it to me. No matter how much logic you put into trying to prove it wrong the self hatred always wins because it hurts so much that it feels real. The anxiety, the racing thoughts of your inner critic, the self loathing, it hurts so much that logic can not fight it because it's based in emotion and if it feels so real then it must be real. It's so hard when my whole teenage years i grew up thinking i was the guy nobody cared about. Not unlikable, just someone who existed without participating. An observer watching other people have friends, romantic partners, a life, while i was there just existing with people occasionally talking to me to see if i was fine, but they didn't care about me. If i disappeared nobody would notice, at least that's how i felt and no person can tell me otherwise, that was my reality, my absolute truth.
Self hatred is also a self fulfilling prophecy. If i am too busy living inside my own head and in my thoughts i am never truly there. My body might be present but my mind is not, thus i seem distant or shy or not interested. They don't know it's because i hate myself they think that i am just a bit anxious and they don't understand why. Therefore i remain a person always on the sidelines, even if am am outside with other people i don't feel like i belong with them, like an alien guest in their already established group. Never on the main plans of anyone, never invited anywhere for who i am. I am also autistic but this is not because of my autism, i don't fit with other autistic people either, even with them i feel distant and not belonging there. The difference lies not in the autism but in the self-loathing. I know autistic people who are completely alone, others who are not, others who are way weirder than i am but they are okay with it. That's why they can be themselves, their true selves, and be satisfied with who they are, because you can never truly be yourself when you hate yourself, you always try hide what you hate.
After that i realized that i will never be able to be truly happy around other people in general. Because when i am with other people i always compare myself to them, feel inferior to them and feel like i always have to seem likable because else they will leave me. Who would want to be with a boring, self loathing piece of garbage like me? Being with other people is not enjoyable, it feels like a task, a task where i have to hide who i am, where i force myself to talk else i will be ditched and be left alone again. The only moments when i don't feel like a subhuman is when i am alone, who is there to compare yourself to when you are alone? You will always be the worthiest among the bunch.
That's why no matter what i do or what i achieve i will always feel like a piece of garbage. All the academic achievements i made and all the groups of people i have available to go out if want to are just temporary reliefs from the one absolute truth that has already been decided and rooted deep inside my mind: I hate myself. That's why i will always be an observer of life among the participants, the unworthy among the worthy.
Sorry about the long post, i just wanted to write what i was thinking these past few and see if anyone else can relate. Maybe this can be a realization that in the end helps me find if and how tore out of my soul this curse that's called self hatred.
Self hatred is also a self fulfilling prophecy. If i am too busy living inside my own head and in my thoughts i am never truly there. My body might be present but my mind is not, thus i seem distant or shy or not interested. They don't know it's because i hate myself they think that i am just a bit anxious and they don't understand why. Therefore i remain a person always on the sidelines, even if am am outside with other people i don't feel like i belong with them, like an alien guest in their already established group. Never on the main plans of anyone, never invited anywhere for who i am. I am also autistic but this is not because of my autism, i don't fit with other autistic people either, even with them i feel distant and not belonging there. The difference lies not in the autism but in the self-loathing. I know autistic people who are completely alone, others who are not, others who are way weirder than i am but they are okay with it. That's why they can be themselves, their true selves, and be satisfied with who they are, because you can never truly be yourself when you hate yourself, you always try hide what you hate.
After that i realized that i will never be able to be truly happy around other people in general. Because when i am with other people i always compare myself to them, feel inferior to them and feel like i always have to seem likable because else they will leave me. Who would want to be with a boring, self loathing piece of garbage like me? Being with other people is not enjoyable, it feels like a task, a task where i have to hide who i am, where i force myself to talk else i will be ditched and be left alone again. The only moments when i don't feel like a subhuman is when i am alone, who is there to compare yourself to when you are alone? You will always be the worthiest among the bunch.
That's why no matter what i do or what i achieve i will always feel like a piece of garbage. All the academic achievements i made and all the groups of people i have available to go out if want to are just temporary reliefs from the one absolute truth that has already been decided and rooted deep inside my mind: I hate myself. That's why i will always be an observer of life among the participants, the unworthy among the worthy.
Sorry about the long post, i just wanted to write what i was thinking these past few and see if anyone else can relate. Maybe this can be a realization that in the end helps me find if and how tore out of my soul this curse that's called self hatred.
