Self-Hate

[chrijo]

I was recently forced to take a new passport photo. Since then, my self-hate has multiplied.

I hate to see myself. On pictures, in mirrors and reflecting surfaces. I have developed strategies for not having to look in the mirror anymore. I haven't seen myself in years, and when I have, it's only been a passing moment. I hate the reflective windows in the subway, especially when it's dark outside *gg*

Every time I see myself, I die a little death. It's not just what I look like, I've also lost respect for myself through many throwbacks. I fucking hate myself. There's nothing you can do about it.

 

[pole]

theres been a point in my life where i didnt wear glasses or contacts so life was a blur to me. so i couldnt tell if people were looking at me and how i looked like at all.

 

[DepressionsAHo]

Its not so much my face I despise (although I'm starting to), it's me. I hate every single thing about myself. The one and only thing I got going for me is I'm attractive and if I make it into the news, that's probably what the headline will say. This is not to toot my own horn but it bothers me
"Beautiful young woman took her own life"
It's all I've ever been noticed for. When I was a child people would constantly come up to my mom and tell her her kids should be a model. As an adult, its the only thing that has ever been noticed about me and I fucking hate it. I get dismissed and never taken seriously even when I had to tell a judge about some issues not related to the harassment, it just happened to come up In court. My 70 year old landlord would constantly hit on me. He frequently offered to take nude pictures of me, told me to be an escort and he'd be my first client and would refer to me and every other girl in the house as "a fine piece of pussy". When I told the judge about this, he looked at me, and said "maybe he only hits on the pretty ones" and then smiled and winked at me. Its caused me to begin to hate looking like I do. I hate leaving the house. I hate being me. I hate my personality. I cannot stand myself

 

[chrijo]

Being reduced to his appearance is certainly a disgusting feature of society :-(

I think that applies to both sides in two different directions.

Even though I have no idea, I can understand what you mean. Thank you for sharing..

@Hasssssuùuu

Nice strategy. Maybe I should put in contact lenses to see my shitty life blurry :-)

 

[DepressionsAHo]

theres been a point in my life where i didnt wear glasses or contacts so life was a blur to me. so i couldnt tell if people were looking at me and how i looked like at all.

Lol. I've had to do this before. I used to work in customer service. People would complain to managers that I was glaring at them and then I'd end up getting in trouble because I "glared" at them

 

[Little Mook]

I hate seeing myself. I'm trying to distance myself from all of the negative thoughts I have about myself. It's easier than trying to put positive ones in place , which I just truly think of as lies.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm so sorry you're dealing with all this pain and self hate, love.
I still shy away from mirrors and my reflection wherever I go.
I barely let my friends take selfies with me too. I barely take pictures of myself too.
But there was a time it was all I would do as a teenager. I don't have the energy or strength to be anything at this point.
I'm not sure if I hate myself to such extent anymore, but for me, I very much feel like a ghost and seeing myself is very strange.