Discussion Self harming

[Girliwanttokillmysel]

From how old have you started selft harming? How did you feel? I wanna talk about that here

I started at 13 when I fell in depression (panic attacks, crying everynight, feeling like shit...ect) but I've had suicidal thoughts about a month later and I started self harming 1 months later because it was oubvioulsy not getting better but worse so I started cutting, I enjoyed and still enjoy the pain I attacked my hands and arms and honestly I like it.

I've never been to a therapist or psychologist bc I prefer to deal with my problems alone I don't need anyone suddently caring since my friends are all fake and not even one noticed the big scars on my hands (big and red scars) not even my family so Imma just continue I like the pain if cutting anyways it makes me "forget" kinda

I talk about that here bc I can't tell my friends or family I don't want anyone to SUDDENTLY care for me bc they never actually cared about me anyways...I don't need their pity and all, if i ever tell them what are they gonna do? "Oh I'm sorry..here I'll cheer u up!" it'll go on for 3days MAX if not before then nothing :)

 

[hoffnungstod]

Can't really say when it started. When I was 18 or 19 I guess. I'm not a deep cutter, to see some blood is all I want(ed). I have some little scars on my left upper arm, but thats all.
I don't feel any pain. This feeling is different. It's kind of pleasant...

 

[Nymph]

I started probably at 13-14, I don't remember exactly. At the time where everything started going downhill I also started selfharming

 

[Querlista]

I tried cutting once when I was 13ish and also tried (and failed) to break my pinkie back then. Didn't think about it again until I was 22. It started with some light scratches on my thigh when I was stressed out but it escalated real quick and soon I went once or twice a week to hospital to get my cuts sutured.
I still don't really know why I did it. It obviously hurt a fuck ton lol
But it also gave me kind of a rush. Seeing myself from the inside, blood pulsing, fat and muscle. It's something different. I felt like I acheived sth whenever I cut deep enough to get sutures. It's like I needed to do sth drastic. I was so fck suicidal (still am but somehow less desperate about it) and it felt nice to know how fucked up I am. Going to the hospital with a still bleeding wound in the middle of the night and alone.
Being at the hospital itself was somehow nice, I liked watching how they patched me up again. But I also hated it. I hated myself every time the rush wore off and I realized I had to go to the hospital if I didn't want to risk infection and amputation or simply have a huge amount of scars tissue. I somehow loved and hated the attention I got from staff there at the same time. Looking back I think it was a cry for help. I wanted people to see how much I suffer. Making my pain visible. But it was more than that.. I still can't really grasp why I did it.
Actually thinking about it I totally forgot that this online self harm forum played a huge part in my escalation. I never knew how deep one could actually cut oneself until I saw pictures of it and i wanted to "acheive" the same. Was kind of an toxic and competitive (but also understanding and caring) environment

 

[Girliwanttokillmysel]

I tried cutting once when I was 13ish and also tried (and failed) to break my pinkie back then. Didn't think about it again until I was 22. It started with some light scratches on my thigh when I was stressed out but it escalated real quick and soon I went once or twice a week to hospital to get my cuts sutured.
I still don't really know why I did it. It obviously hurt a fuck ton lol
But it also gave me kind of a rush. Seeing myself from the inside, blood pulsing, fat and muscle. It's something different. I felt like I acheived sth whenever I cut deep enough to get sutures. It's like I needed to do sth drastic. I was so fck suicidal (still am but somehow less desperate about it) and it felt nice to know how fucked up I am. Going to the hospital with a still bleeding wound in the middle of the night and alone.
Being at the hospital itself was somehow nice, I liked watching how they patched me up again. But I also hated it. I hated myself every time the rush wore off and I realized I had to go to the hospital if I didn't want to risk infection and amputation or simply have a huge amount of scars tissue. I somehow loved and hated the attention I got from staff there at the same time. Looking back I think it was a cry for help. I wanted people to see how much I suffer. Making my pain visible. But it was more than that.. I still can't really grasp why I did it.
Actually thinking about it I totally forgot that this online self harm forum played a huge part in my escalation. I never knew how deep one could actually cut oneself until I saw pictures of it and i wanted to "acheive" the same. Was kind of an toxic and competitive (but also understanding and caring) environment

Yea must have been hard, I want people to notice my scars and yk pay attention to me like all my friends never pay attention to me whenever they circle up to talk they just leave me out and for exemple when we're walking on a sidewalk and we're four they're gone be 3 in front of me and me alone you see? I want them to see but I don't want anyone suddenly caring about like it'll last 2days or so and it'll go back to normal, I want attention but like all the time not just 2days... My whole arm is cut with scars my hands too and my right arm a little bit like five scars but big ones but whatever ...

 

[muffin222]

I cut myself for the first time when I was 12. It hurt, but it also filled me with a rush of relief and inner calm. I no longer cut because I dislike the blood and the unsightly scars, but I do burn myself fairly regularly with lighters. It's unhealthy, but I'm addicted to the surge of relief I get after I put the lighter to my skin. Ugh

 

[Deleted member 17949]

started at 14, really depressed and stressed and needed a release to what were suicidal feelings that weren't clear enough for me to attempt suicide. I cut myself a few times, and have done it a few times since over the course of a few years. My parents found out and were extremely angry to the point where I am massively scared of doing it now. I can't face their disgusted faces again, it made me feel awful. I just bite myself and hit myself when upset now.

 

[Girliwanttokillmysel]

I cut myself for the first time when I was 12. It hurt, but it also filled me with a rush of relief and inner calm. I no longer cut because I dislike the blood and the unsightly scars, but I do burn myself fairly regularly with lighters. It's unhealthy, but I'm addicted to the surge of relief I get after I put the lighter to my skin. Ugh

Well everyone has their way of "calmers" I like cutting myself and you like burning yourself, everyone has a way to cope with their problems although be careful I mean it's fire and really dangerous but yea i understand :)

 

[Mentalmick]

I started when I was about 19, so that's about 28 years now. It started as just scratches with blunt knives then progressed to small cuts to large cuts with sharp kitchen knifes. I'm at the stage now that I give myself severe cuts that go right through to the inside using sterile scalpels. Some of them about 10 inches long. I then close them with vetenary skin staplers. I barely feel it anymore although there's a ton of blood especially if you go through a vein or something. My legs look like someone has took a chainsaw to them. Really ugly. I used to do it as a way of swapping mental pain for physical pain which is easier to deal with, and it worked but now it's pure self loathing and anxiety. I'm a bit of a ticking bomb these days as it's only a matter of time before I go through an artery.

 

[yellowpig]

I started when I was 12. around the time I started dealing with depression. It was never really consistent throughout the years, I would go through bouts of it for a couple months. Then I left for university and I fell apart. I was halfway across the world, suicidal, and lonely. the Counselor I got to see like once a month basically tried to scare me out of killing myself, as suicide was still written in the laws as illegal. so i started self harming. at least once daily. It's something I would look forward to.

i was able to take the uni shuttle to the store and could buy different tools. Go to the pharmacy on campus to get first aid supplies. No one to question my behaviors. Just shared a bathroom with my roommate, but I always came back to the room after he was asleep.

it became a challenge for me... how deep could I go, how many could I do.

it's been around a year since then. I've tried to ctb twice, hospitalized twice (only one because of an attempt, the other I asked for). Since I've been home with my parents they are hyperaware of safety issues. I still have a tool but it's not as easy anymore. given it's come and gone since I was 12 and I'll be 20, I doubt this is the end it.

 

[MrAsclepius]

For some it's for attention or pain. I just like seeing the layers open. Seeing untouched skin requires me to fill it in. Although, it starts as an emotional problem as with everyone. It's what devides me from others, in a way.

 

[SadJessu]

As early as 8 with pulling my hair out, but cutting started around 12 I believe, I'm about to turn 30. The feeling is a sense of inner peace really, it's like all the jumbled up thoughts in my mind ease up and I have a 'quiet' moment in my head.

 

[sourpink]

I've always self harmed in various ways, but as we're speaking more specifically on cutting and physically inflicting damage or pain on skin here-- I don't really remember when it might have began. I have fairly severe memory loss, and I have many gaps in memory ranging in length, which at this point isn't some devastating thing for me, it's just a fact of my reality.
anyway, I was probably around 10 or 12. for whatever reason it didn't become a habit at the time, though I began to focus more on other means of self harm and self destruction. maybe that's part of why cutting didn't really 'stick' or become a habit then.
around... 18? 19? I'm estimating- around then I returned to the blade, feeling I had nothing left to lose, no self harm behaviors left to turn to. I was in addiction recovery and felt at the time very adamant about my abstinence, so that beloved option was no longer available in my mind. I was in a committed and monogamous relationship at the time, so self harming via sex was something I felt unwilling to do, and around that time I had been assaulted for the first time since entering addiction recovery, and that fucked me up a lot, so the notion of sex with anyone outside of this one person I deemed safe was just not going to happen. I smoked cigarettes (and tried to quit a few times, didn't last) but that didn't sate the need to self harm nearly as significantly. the same sentiment goes for my ED as well. those things just weren't enough destruction.
so, I did what I could with what I had on hand at the time. I found dull kitchen scissors and laughed in angry frustration when they didn't comply with my demands. so I went out and bought straight blades. now, I feel it's rather clear, but I'll say it- I have a very addictive personality. so cutting of course, as all my other vices have gone, became a habit quite quickly, and my 'tolerance' went up, needing to increase frequency and severity.
it was never about garnering attention, though I did carve up my arms and wrists like a fucking Christmas ham. I did that because I had reached yet another point of not caring at all. my scars are all still raised white reminders of moments in which I momentarily relieved my suffering. so many are as noticeably wide and deep as they are because I didn't bother going to get stitches for the 5th time that week, knowing I'd only be met with judgment and being held under observation for around at least 8 hours before they deemed me safe enough to dismiss. they made no effort to conceal their view of me as a revolving door patient though. I think it was more that they were aware and simply didn't care - which was fine, I was glad to be able to continue this habit.
however currently I am believed to be 'in recovery' and 'getting help', so my attention has turned from unashamed wounds displayed to secrecy and hiding all that is possible, sticking to areas rarely seen by anyone else, and even if they were to be glimpsed, it'd be accidental.
I feel self harm is a more broadly encompassing term, not limited simply to physical self inflicted injury. but we're discussing that aspect, so I tried to remain on topic while also giving some background.

 

[untimelydemise]

since 12 and startes with cutting but since being in supported accomodation with post checked and not allowed out by myself i have become more creative.... but yeah never reallly stopped xx

 

[kolski]

I was 14 when I started self harming. It was small at first, scratching n tiny cuts with pencil sharpener blades. And then it was the razors, and later it was burning. Lately, my self harm episodes happen at 4am over a bottle of whiskey. I'm covered in scars. But as much as I hate it, I can't imagine existing without it.