Venting Self-harming—Again

[homesoon.]

I just relapsed with self-harmed. Again. Over 15 years, I can't seem to stop cutting as a form of coping and self-punishment. Part of me is too numb to give a shit, the other part of me realizes how broken I have become. I think about cbt'ing more and more everyday. I feel like no matter how hard you try or how long you hold off or pretend; you end up in the same place. Time and time again. What's the point? I don't want to do this for another 60 years, f*ck that. That sounds like the death penalty without the actual relief of death any time soon with a side of self inflicted torture.

 

[theboy]

I hear you. Lately I've had a strong urge to attack myself or have someone else cut me. I hope I don't cut myself to avoid problems.

 

[homesoon.]

I hear you. Lately I've had a strong urge to attack myself or have someone else cut me. I hope I don't cut myself to avoid problems.

I do what I can to not relapse, everything I can think of. I don't see cutting as a way of avoiding problems, but as a way to deal with them when you cannot express them outwardly otherwise. But, just because you're aware of the issue doesn't make it easier to deal with or make go away.

 

[AbsentMindedHuman]

Cutting for me is a way to take control over my pain and feelings since the meds and years have made me numb. The Euphoria that comes from the cuts never seem to outshine the embarrassment and physical pain for the days that follow. There is no release. Existance is suffering. Therapy is temporary, joy is fleeting, and life makes no sense. I wish I had an answer.

 

[mehdone]

Cutting is a fallback for me.

When nothing else works, at least I have that.

No, it's not healthy, in the slightest.

I'm sorry that you relapsed- but don't beat yourself up over it too much. It was obviously needed, for whatever reason.

 

[Dopamine_Junkie44]

I should want to stop self harming. But I don't. That makes me potentially a bad influence on my 7 year old daughter who might act as I do when she get's older. What accepted ways of self-harming are there? Or invisible ones?

 

[Ash]

I should want to stop self harming. But I don't. That makes me potentially a bad influence on my 7 year old daughter who might act as I do when she get's older. What accepted ways of self-harming are there? Or invisible ones?

Pushing yourself to the absolute limit out running or cycling or at the gym or with a punchbag. And I mean to the point of jelly legs and nausea / vomiting. Keep yourself hydrated and fuelled and your kid won't see you wrecked.

 

[Dopamine_Junkie44]

I am very unfit. So that should be easy. But I need to win over my fear of what other people think when they see me red in the face while running... and at home I would have to explain to my boyfriend why I am suddenly interested in High intensity interval training...

 

[crystal_meth97]

I'm sorry you're also struggling with self-harm. I've been doing it on and off for 17 years. Like you, I'm always trying not to relapse, but it's inevitable. For me, it's a coping mechanism that helps me release my anger. I feel so much rage and because I can't express it, I can only take it out on myself. I don't know why I'm punishing myself like this, I guess that's just how I developed, with this unhealthy coping mechanism. I have BPD, so go figure. All I can say is try not to be so hard on yourself - if you want to stop or recover, remember that relapse is part of the process. I could refrain from cutting or hitting myself for nearly 3 years, I have no idea how. I just didn't feel the need. But once I had a lot of stress in my life again, I relapsed. And that's ok. Take care!

 

[Ash]

I am very unfit. So that should be easy. But I need to win over my fear of what other people think when they see me red in the face while running... and at home I would have to explain to my boyfriend why I am suddenly interested in High intensity interval training...

That's easy: fitness. And honestly, nobody cares what people look like when they exercise. They only mind if runners or cyclists etc get in their way. Otherwise they are oblivious. I know, having taken myself from fat girl at the back to lean, mean fighting machine. Kinda! Then I got injured and got very fat again, but that's how I know the endorphins and adrenaline and suffering (so much physical and mental suffering) can and do match that of self harm - and if you want to allow yourself to feel it, it comes with better exhilaration and you can share it with other people, even strangers, even if they're ridiculously fit and you're not.