Venting Self harm: burning

[nomoredolor]

I've gotten into burning myself recently, specifically over healing razor blade cuts. I heat up the blade with fire and then press it against the wound. I scream the pain is so intense and horrible and I have everything I can do to keep the hot blade to my sensitive healing skin. And when I go back to do it again I do the same spot over and over again. (On my healing wounds from slitting my wrists on 12/4.) I get really nauseous and the nausea can last for an hour or two. Today I passed out/blacked out twice from the pain. Yet I keep doing it. BECAUSE IT STILL HURTS LESS THAN THE PAIN AND GRIEF THAT I AM EXPERIENCING.

I have a history of self harm, primarily cutting. But I have never experienced such an addiction that is so incredibly harmful and stupid yet I need it and can't stop doing it. The dopamine hits after the pain are . And im briefly distracted from my grief and anguish and suffering.

I'm not super worried about the scarring because I plan to Ctb within the first half of 2025.

Anna

 

[nomoredolor]

So I've kept doing the burns and they filled up with white blisters. I know I'm not supposed to but I popped them with a razor blade and lightly cut over parts of them. I want to burn again but I'm starting to have a lot of nerve issues and trouble feeling parts of my hands. And pain in my hands. I don't know why I'm sabotaging myself this severely, I've never let self harm get this bad before and I've only ever had one infection and it was this year. I'm just addicted to the relief of the pain. But I'm literally torturing myself. I passed out again today twice from how severe the burn and pain was. (I pass out easily but never from pain before I started the burning.)
Anna

 

[CutToRelease]

Yeah I'm a heavy cutter I tried fire. Only one I still use regularly is making a role of paper lighting the end then putting it out on my skin.

An yeah it is addicting longest I have been clean is a week. Which is not long when I have been Self harming for as long as I can remember. It just works to well for keeping me present focussed. Or just to feel something. I cant die just yet but it helps me exist for now. Hope u find peace regardless of what that looks like for u.

 

[yellowjester]

I'm sorry. I can't imagine the mental pain you must be in to find this appealing.

 

[death_bed221]

Please don't do that.

 

[nomoredolor]

Yeah I'm a heavy cutter I tried fire. Only one I still use regularly is making a role of paper lighting the end then putting it out on my skin.

A yeah it is addicting longest I have been clean is a week. Which is not long when I have been Self harming for as long as I can remember. It just works to well for keeping me present focussed. Or just to feel something. I cant die just yet but it helps me exist for now. Hope u find peace regardless of what that looks like for u.

Hard relate. Hugs

I'm sorry. I can't imagine the mental pain you must be in to find this appealing.

&

Please don't do that.

I'm also like wtf am I doing. I'm also surprised. But it will help me get through until I can start my IOP intensive outpatient program next week. Since I am out of psych ward this is my next step.

Anna