burninghill
Experienced
- Dec 2, 2025
- 223
I've come to this realisation very slowly after being quite stubbornly in denial for around two years.
I was talking to one of my many councillors about how I self-harm and also create provocative, depressive art as a way of yelling for help and trying to secure the concern of people around me. He asked me if I'd ever gotten that and, to his apparent shock, I said no.
His suprise really did make me wonder why I still cry for help through my art if it never seems to work. The answer is that it's a spiral. My artwork started to get more and more startling, almost as an experiment to see how bad it could get before someone said something. I had a painting thumbnailed which was a literal depiction of me decapitated on a railway, something I've painted and showcased before but more lightheartedly. I think I'd have just kept going until I broke, making more angsty and disturbing work until I either died or someone asked what was wrong.
It's also made me think about how you're often expected to be depressed as an artist and so the normalcy of it means that people don't often ask about you're wellbeing.
Anyway, I find the whole thing to be quite ironic considering making expressive artwork is often advertised as a positive coping mechanism. For me, it has become very unhealthy. Every piece feels like screaming into a pillow and it only becomes more and more frustrating.
I was talking to one of my many councillors about how I self-harm and also create provocative, depressive art as a way of yelling for help and trying to secure the concern of people around me. He asked me if I'd ever gotten that and, to his apparent shock, I said no.
His suprise really did make me wonder why I still cry for help through my art if it never seems to work. The answer is that it's a spiral. My artwork started to get more and more startling, almost as an experiment to see how bad it could get before someone said something. I had a painting thumbnailed which was a literal depiction of me decapitated on a railway, something I've painted and showcased before but more lightheartedly. I think I'd have just kept going until I broke, making more angsty and disturbing work until I either died or someone asked what was wrong.
It's also made me think about how you're often expected to be depressed as an artist and so the normalcy of it means that people don't often ask about you're wellbeing.
Anyway, I find the whole thing to be quite ironic considering making expressive artwork is often advertised as a positive coping mechanism. For me, it has become very unhealthy. Every piece feels like screaming into a pillow and it only becomes more and more frustrating.
