NSFW Self-destruction week... start!

[Lavínia]

So, I had my first time. It feels like a dream, it's weird. I had my first time, I went there, talked, and did it. I really did it. I had my first time. And I didn't feel anything, it was flesh, skin against skin... the smell of skin, the taste of skin, the texture of skin. So, so simple, cheap, raw, dry, sad. I didn't feel anything, just disgust afterwards. It still doesn't seem like it was me who went there. I remember my ex, how can I forget. My heart would explode just holding hands, and I hated it. It was so agonizing, the fear of disappointing, the fear of not knowing what to say. That anxiety, the trembling... it was love. I don't have that anymore. It's just skin. I loved him, and I abandoned him. Alone, and I did that. I'm dissociating, I'm not me, it wasn't me, but I am something. I started a greater self-destruction.

I wanted to consume. After leaving that place, I ate, drank, watched, hurt myself. But I need to erase more, break more. This week is just to get closer to the taste of death! The ultimatum was Saturday! And today the proclamation began!

Pending issues growing at work. More and more. They will see that I am weak, they will see. They love to look at the weakness of others, to kill those who are incapable, incompetent, lazy.

I bought cigarettes, smoked again. I bought alcohol, here it's called Corote, it has a lot of alcohol and it's cheap. I drank it all on the way to the bus, did I just get dizzy? Did my body get used to alcohol? Strange. I'm going to smoke more, I'm going to drink more, I'm going to hurt myself more! Oh, I need to hurt myself, yes. I had bought some pins and pricked myself with them last week. I'm going to do more! This week, I'm going to destroy myself... and report here.

 

[raskol1980]

I feel you - not as eloquently but - I feel you. I'm close too. That feeling that you're heading down the path into the mire but can't stop. Won't stop. Don't want to stop.

I've got nothing to offer but reach out if you want to talk. Taken a couple of sleeping pills so if I don't respond straight away I've passed out an dropped my laptop on the floor - again!

 

[Lavínia]

I feel you - not as eloquently but - I feel you. I'm close too. That feeling that you're heading down the path into the mire but can't stop. Won't stop. Don't want to stop.

I've got nothing to offer but reach out if you want to talk. Taken a couple of sleeping pills so if I don't respond straight away I've passed out an dropped my laptop on the floor - again!

thanks, sleep and rest well. I will continue posting here as the day goes on. So far my body is fine and didn't give up on the first day

 

[Leichter Kampfwagen]

I need to self destruct as well in 2025. I think I'll go the deprivation route rather than the over indulgence route you seem to be taking. Just need to stop procrastinating. Good luck!

Also, "entropy meat" is interesting. If I had 2 words to describe my philosophy on the universe I think it would be that. If I'm interpreting it right we have a lot in common on that one. Also nice writing.

 

[ItsAllSoTiresome]

So, I had my first time. It feels like a dream, it's weird. I had my first time, I went there, talked, and did it. I really did it. I had my first time. And I didn't feel anything, it was flesh, skin against skin... the smell of skin, the taste of skin, the texture of skin. So, so simple, cheap, raw, dry, sad. I didn't feel anything, just disgust afterwards. It still doesn't seem like it was me who went there. I remember my ex, how can I forget. My heart would explode just holding hands, and I hated it. It was so agonizing, the fear of disappointing, the fear of not knowing what to say. That anxiety, the trembling... it was love. I don't have that anymore. It's just skin. I loved him, and I abandoned him. Alone, and I did that. I'm dissociating, I'm not me, it wasn't me, but I am something. I started a greater self-destruction.

I wanted to consume. After leaving that place, I ate, drank, watched, hurt myself. But I need to erase more, break more. This week is just to get closer to the taste of death! The ultimatum was Saturday! And today the proclamation began!

Pending issues growing at work. More and more. They will see that I am weak, they will see. They love to look at the weakness of others, to kill those who are incapable, incompetent, lazy.

I bought cigarettes, smoked again. I bought alcohol, here it's called Corote, it has a lot of alcohol and it's cheap. I drank it all on the way to the bus, did I just get dizzy? Did my body get used to alcohol? Strange. I'm going to smoke more, I'm going to drink more, I'm going to hurt myself more! Oh, I need to hurt myself, yes. I had bought some pins and pricked myself with them last week. I'm going to do more! This week, I'm going to destroy myself... and report here.

Your first time is always awkward and weird and unsatisfying, to be honest sex has never really done anything for me other than cause me anxiety about my "performance", I have never really gotten true pleasure from it. I have slowly been destroying myself with alcohol for the past ten to fifteen years, although I have sky high tolerance due to coming from a family of Irish alcoholics, my grandfather drank a bottle of whiskey and smoked two packs of cigarettes a day and he somehow manage to live until 75, I couldn't bear to imagine living that long. Sorry for your troubles friend, I completely understand your urges for self-destruction in this shitty world.

 

[Lavínia]

I need to self destruct as well in 2025. I think I'll go the deprivation route rather than the over indulgence route you seem to be taking. Just need to stop procrastinating. Good luck!

Also, "entropy meat" is interesting. If I had 2 words to describe my philosophy on the universe I think it would be that. If I'm interpreting it right we have a lot in common on that one. Also nice writing.

I hadn't thought of deprivation as a self-destructive means, it's interesting. Normally I stay quiet and stick to my routine, so breaking it by overdoing it is the first thing that comes to mind. But depriving myself more can be a good thing too, especially with fasting. Thaaaank you very much, I'll write that down.

Speaking of entropy, my current idea is that the problem with everything is determinism, the notion and false hope that there is certainty, because it diverges so much from the world itself. If what was expected and assumed was uncertainty from the beginning, maybe I wouldn't be in so much agony.

Your first time is always awkward and weird and unsatisfying, to be honest sex has never really done anything for me other than cause me anxiety about my "performance", I have never really gotten true pleasure from it. I have slowly been destroying myself with alcohol for the past ten to fifteen years, although I have sky high tolerance due to coming from a family of Irish alcoholics, my grandfather drank a bottle of whiskey and smoked two packs of cigarettes a day and he somehow manage to live until 75, I couldn't bear to imagine living that long. Sorry for your troubles friend, I completely understand your urges for self-destruction in this shitty world.

We're together~ I've always been insecure about how it would be and if I could please the person, but when it actually happened, I really couldn't please myself. I was just moving my body. Here. There. Again. Back and forth. Just dry flesh. It was completely empty, not even disappointing.

Some things really do vary from person to person, with a cigarette my lungs start to wheeze. Your grandfather was really something


Today I smoked during my break, bought another small drink with a higher alcohol, 35%. I hope I can kill it on the way to the bus again. I don't know if I'm just free-spirited, but I'm talking more at work, exposing some more problems. Maybe it's a way of exposing myself and destroying my reputation? I usually value my image a lot.
- Who is she? Who is she?
A good person, she tries hard, huh. She fights to do the kindest things, she cares about everyone! The Empathetic-Woman! Don't hurt her, don't belittle her, feel sorry for her but not disgusted. She's a victim, don't hurt her. Don't make her die, she's so fragile... so weak... It's hard to be that, but I am, I guess. If no one kills me. That's slowly fading away, you can see, they're looking at me and seeing, they'll be able to judge me without any pity, no defense. I'm planning on cutting myself too, but it's going to be hard work.

 

[ItsAllSoTiresome]

I hadn't thought of deprivation as a self-destructive means, it's interesting. Normally I stay quiet and stick to my routine, so breaking it by overdoing it is the first thing that comes to mind. But depriving myself more can be a good thing too, especially with fasting. Thaaaank you very much, I'll write that down.

Speaking of entropy, my current idea is that the problem with everything is determinism, the notion and false hope that there is certainty, because it diverges so much from the world itself. If what was expected and assumed was uncertainty from the beginning, maybe I wouldn't be in so much agony.

We're together~ I've always been insecure about how it would be and if I could please the person, but when it actually happened, I really couldn't please myself. I was just moving my body. Here. There. Again. Back and forth. Just dry flesh. It was completely empty, not even disappointing.

Some things really do vary from person to person, with a cigarette my lungs start to wheeze. Your grandfather was really something


Today I smoked during my break, bought another small drink with a higher alcohol, 35%. I hope I can kill it on the way to the bus again. I don't know if I'm just free-spirited, but I'm talking more at work, exposing some more problems. Maybe it's a way of exposing myself and destroying my reputation? I usually value my image a lot.
- Who is she? Who is she?
A good person, she tries hard, huh. She fights to do the kindest things, she cares about everyone! The Empathetic-Woman! Don't hurt her, don't belittle her, feel sorry for her but not disgusted. She's a victim, don't hurt her. Don't make her die, she's so fragile... so weak... It's hard to be that, but I am, I guess. If no one kills me. That's slowly fading away, you can see, they're looking at me and seeing, they'll be able to judge me without any pity, no defense. I'm planning on cutting myself too, but it's going to be hard work.

I'm sorry to hear of your anxieties at work, if I could offer a suggestion I might say that your colleagues are most likely too concerned with their own problems and anxieties to notice anything or have any negative opinions about you. I doubt very much they know about your emotional pain or drinking unless you have directly told them about these things, the overwhelming majority of people in this world are stuck in "go to work, eat, sleep, shit" mode in my experience and are too stuck in their own heads to make meaningful observations about others. Social anxiety was something that plagued me when I was younger, I was constantly agonising about what others thought of me, but one of the few positive aspects of getting older is that you realise eventually that the vast majority of people are just as insecure and anxious as you are. Have a drink, and try to forget about your bad day, it's all I can suggest, I'm doing the same right now ;)

 

[Status_Death]

While I'm also unable to offer any help or kind words I also feel this. I've been considering self harm recently again. I haven't done it for a few years now. The time I've known my best friend the past 3 years. Now they are gone and left are memories, legal issues and the strong thought of ending it all.

I've tried so many times in the past 2 months yet each time it didn't work out. Either I was too scared to go through with it or things were momentarily better until the thoughts and feelings came back with more force than before.

 

[Lavínia]

I'm sorry to hear of your anxieties at work, if I could offer a suggestion I might say that your colleagues are most likely too concerned with their own problems and anxieties to notice anything or have any negative opinions about you. I doubt very much they know about your emotional pain or drinking unless you have directly told them about these things, the overwhelming majority of people in this world are stuck in "go to work, eat, sleep, shit" mode in my experience and are too stuck in their own heads to make meaningful observations about others. Social anxiety was something that plagued me when I was younger, I was constantly agonising about what others thought of me, but one of the few positive aspects of getting older is that you realise eventually that the vast majority of people are just as insecure and anxious as you are. Have a drink, and try to forget about your bad day, it's all I can suggest, I'm doing the same right now ;)

I can see their problems, they have their own to take care of, they don't see mine... most of the time. Lately... yeah, getting older and more mature, I don't know, you can see it. It's become more physical anxiety than anything. Thanks again Tired Person, let's just drink, cheers! cheers! cheers! I took a stronger one this time really, it makes me feel more nauseous. We just need to drown

 

[Lo$t95]

It gets hard to hide self harm scars so just bear that in mind if you don't want to be sectioned. It's easier in Winter but when Summer comes around scars on neck will be difficult to conceal without people noticing unusual clothing for the weather. I get drunk and cut myself a lot recently don't recommend it to be honest. If you can help it consider not cutting yourself.

- sorry if that's condescending just a gentle suggestion.

 

[Lavínia]

It gets hard to hide self harm scars so just bear that in mind if you don't want to be sectioned. It's easier in Winter but when Summer comes around scars on neck will be difficult to conceal without people noticing unusual clothing for the weather. I get drunk and cut myself a lot recently don't recommend it to be honest. If you can help it consider not cutting yourself.

- sorry if that's condescending just a gentle suggestion.

That's a good suggestion, I appreciate it, thank you. don't be sorry, you're ok, good person. I tend to control myself and not do it, this month I had a relapse... and this week I'm committed to getting hurt, so there's no way around it. I cut only my shoulder, torso and quadriceps, it's easier to hide. I think I'll do it on my leg. I love walking, I won't be able to. But it's the week! This need to mean something

i only have three sips to finish the drink there. I got home, act like a normal person, straight line walk! I'm eating, it has no taste, nothing has any taste. Mass, mass yummi, yammi? I'm going to throw up, do I need it? I have to go to the bathroom, take a shower... brush my teeth... and lie down... holy shit, this is going to fuck me up

 

[raskol1980]

Just chescking in again. Fuelled on zopicone,,, again! You're still writing which is a good thing, and connecting (even better). I hope you keep that up in journey through the dank wood - it's kind of like those breadcrumbs leading your way out - ignore theft crow hopping 5 feet behind you... (Can we take a moment to admire corvids love those little fuckers - carrion crows the most I think) Sorry rambling.

I wrote an awful poem about the sex feelings you've all been mentioning, Will share if people want, Also happy not to.

Anyway. You're here. You're talking, I.m glad about that, if it means anything.

 

[Lavínia]

Just chescking in again. Fuelled on zopicone,,, again! You're still writing which is a good thing, and connecting (even better). I hope you keep that up in journey through the dank wood - it's kind of like those breadcrumbs leading your way out - ignore theft crow hopping 5 feet behind you... (Can we take a moment to admire corvids love those little fuckers - carrion crows the most I think) Sorry rambling.

I wrote an awful poem about the sex feelings you've all been mentioning, Will share if people want, Also happy not to.

Anyway. You're here. You're talking, I.m glad about that, if it means anything.

Glad makes me happy, yes it means, things need to mean something. I would love to see your poem, the memory of what happened and what I felt is fading and getting weaker... and weaker and weaker. It would be good to see another look.

While I'm also unable to offer any help or kind words I also feel this. I've been considering self harm recently again. I haven't done it for a few years now. The time I've known my best friend the past 3 years. Now they are gone and left are memories, legal issues and the strong thought of ending it all.

I've tried so many times in the past 2 months yet each time it didn't work out. Either I was too scared to go through with it or things were momentarily better until the thoughts and feelings came back with more force than before.

It's good that you don't do it, it's one of the worst reliefs there is. Thoughts accumulate, memories keep screaming, they want to punish, turn the body into a painting. It's good to avoid it, take care, wish you well

I think I messed up. I'm still dizzy, yesterday I couldn't walk and I almost passed out in the shower a few times. But I had already taken the blade, so I made a mess of my leg. I couldn't feel much, which I think is bad too. It's been a while since I go that deep. I need to walk, go up a few streets after catching the bus from work. I won't be able to walk, I think I stained my sheets. I'm still going to the psychologist today, she has a nasty little ladder, she always looks at me with disgust when I talk about sh or suicide. I didn't want to go.