I've noticed that a lot of the mainstream media, spiritual leaders, self improvement gurus, and therapists have been looking at "confidence" the wrong way.
Their way of looking at improving self confidence is with positive affirmations. This works well for someone who already has confidence and perhaps is just going through a traumatic event in their life and wants to regain confidence.
But these "positive affirmations" don't really make sense for people who have had low self confidence their whole life.
I will give you a few examples of things typically mentioned to improve self confidence.
1) Stop comparing yourself to others.
For someone who has/had confidence:
Listen, this is easy. Because if they have had confidence, they most likely have achieved some level of success. Probably more or at least equal to most of society's expectations. So if they compare themselves to society, they can honestly say to themselves that they are okay.
For someone who never had any confidence:
You can stop comparing yourself to others for a few days. But how long will that last? When you've had low self esteem your whole life, chances are you have fallen behind in some way in your life and society's expectations. You can try and not look at others around you, but the reality sets back in when you have to interact with people your age. Lets say you are in your 30s or older and you have a dead end job with no career or if you have no family or aren't in a relationship. How do you think those conversations will go with your co-workers, friends, or family members that have had success? They will obviously question your situation. And if you honestly don't care, then that's great! But if you actually do care and try to pretend not to, then you will just end up lying to yourself and being more depressed the next day.
2) Be assertive.
For someone who has/had confidence:
The reason they are able to be assertive is because they made decisions before that lead to success. Or if they made a mistake, but they were raised in an environment that encouraged learning from those mistakes. This way, they've made enough decisions to know which ones are bad or good.
For someone who never had any confidence:
You can't just tell someone who has low confidence to be assertive.
Have you ever had seen one of those workers that continuiously ask questions that they already know the answer to? Why do you think that's the case? Its because they have low self confidence and were raised in an environment where every little mistake was criticized. Even though the mistake may not have affected the final result. Therefore they probably made many unsuccessful decisions due to fear of consequences.
The funny thing is that you or another co-worker have probably told them before to be more assertive and for them to make their own decisions.
But what happens the next day? They still have to ask questions to seek validation.
3) Self positive affirmations.
For someone who has/had confidence:
Again, similar to first and second point. For someone who has/had confidence, your can tell yourself "I am a confident person. I trust myself to make the right decisions". They are fine when they tell themselves this because they are being truthful and were raised in an environment where other people have told them this.
For someone who never had any confidence:
You can tell yourself "I am a confident person. I trust myself to make the right decisions". But you know you are not being truthful to yourself. You were raised in an environment where you were told the "you aren't a confident person. You always make the wrong decision".
So yeah, go ahead and tell yourself "I am a confident person. I trust myself to make the right decisions".
But once you actually have to make an important decision again, thats when those words go out the window and you realized the truth once again.
Not saying you should beat yourself up for it. But its just the reality.
At the end of the day, all these ways of "thinking" your way into high self confidence doesn't seem realistic. The only thing that you can really do to improve your self confidence is by eliminating the one major problem in your life. By that I don't mean setting pointless little goals like doing some exercise, or folding your laundry. I mean if you live in a toxic household, you have to move out. Until then, your "thinking" will remain the exact same way.
It seems like a lot of these gurus and therapists look at "confidence" as a spiritual thing and can be improved by changing the way your think. Which is not always the case. A lot of it has to do with taking action.
Their way of looking at improving self confidence is with positive affirmations. This works well for someone who already has confidence and perhaps is just going through a traumatic event in their life and wants to regain confidence.
But these "positive affirmations" don't really make sense for people who have had low self confidence their whole life.
I will give you a few examples of things typically mentioned to improve self confidence.
1) Stop comparing yourself to others.
For someone who has/had confidence:
Listen, this is easy. Because if they have had confidence, they most likely have achieved some level of success. Probably more or at least equal to most of society's expectations. So if they compare themselves to society, they can honestly say to themselves that they are okay.
For someone who never had any confidence:
You can stop comparing yourself to others for a few days. But how long will that last? When you've had low self esteem your whole life, chances are you have fallen behind in some way in your life and society's expectations. You can try and not look at others around you, but the reality sets back in when you have to interact with people your age. Lets say you are in your 30s or older and you have a dead end job with no career or if you have no family or aren't in a relationship. How do you think those conversations will go with your co-workers, friends, or family members that have had success? They will obviously question your situation. And if you honestly don't care, then that's great! But if you actually do care and try to pretend not to, then you will just end up lying to yourself and being more depressed the next day.
2) Be assertive.
For someone who has/had confidence:
The reason they are able to be assertive is because they made decisions before that lead to success. Or if they made a mistake, but they were raised in an environment that encouraged learning from those mistakes. This way, they've made enough decisions to know which ones are bad or good.
For someone who never had any confidence:
You can't just tell someone who has low confidence to be assertive.
Have you ever had seen one of those workers that continuiously ask questions that they already know the answer to? Why do you think that's the case? Its because they have low self confidence and were raised in an environment where every little mistake was criticized. Even though the mistake may not have affected the final result. Therefore they probably made many unsuccessful decisions due to fear of consequences.
The funny thing is that you or another co-worker have probably told them before to be more assertive and for them to make their own decisions.
But what happens the next day? They still have to ask questions to seek validation.
3) Self positive affirmations.
For someone who has/had confidence:
Again, similar to first and second point. For someone who has/had confidence, your can tell yourself "I am a confident person. I trust myself to make the right decisions". They are fine when they tell themselves this because they are being truthful and were raised in an environment where other people have told them this.
For someone who never had any confidence:
You can tell yourself "I am a confident person. I trust myself to make the right decisions". But you know you are not being truthful to yourself. You were raised in an environment where you were told the "you aren't a confident person. You always make the wrong decision".
So yeah, go ahead and tell yourself "I am a confident person. I trust myself to make the right decisions".
But once you actually have to make an important decision again, thats when those words go out the window and you realized the truth once again.
Not saying you should beat yourself up for it. But its just the reality.
At the end of the day, all these ways of "thinking" your way into high self confidence doesn't seem realistic. The only thing that you can really do to improve your self confidence is by eliminating the one major problem in your life. By that I don't mean setting pointless little goals like doing some exercise, or folding your laundry. I mean if you live in a toxic household, you have to move out. Until then, your "thinking" will remain the exact same way.
It seems like a lot of these gurus and therapists look at "confidence" as a spiritual thing and can be improved by changing the way your think. Which is not always the case. A lot of it has to do with taking action.
