dra1ncoreslwt
tove 𓆩♡𓆪
- Mar 22, 2023
- 129
It's come to me that I'm coming off a little impulsive which I may be, but I also want to share some more venting stuff
am I the only one who self aware at a miserable level? I've been going through the same bullshit all over again for 7 years, which, is important to mention, isn't all on my hands or my decision to improve my life in its entirety, and lately it feels like it doesn't matter if I try because I've seen it before. how things haven't changed and I feel so pointless and useless, how every time it "gets better" I get thrown in cold water, and things go back to being terrible, and how many but how many times I've faced disappointment to the point I have no true hope in me anymore, I don't get excited with stuff or promises or suggestions because somehow it ends up being an empty lie, whether it's a small or huge thing in my life, I somehow end up in the same place again. the self awareness and just overall consciousness of my whole situation is really painful, as if my c. illness doesn't make it worse by making me go through a lot of physical pain on a daily basis. my family members say I can always trust them and can always tell them if something hurts or bothers me, but every time I want to trust them they prove themselves wrong by doing something stupid or hurtful towards me, so I've decided I can't really get their help. I'm in so much constant pain and anxiety and paranoia that after a comforting and good while with my s/o i always end up feeling so hurt again, which makes me guilty because im already putting him through so much and it feels unfair to him. I feel guilty for feeling bad because it feels all his concern is worth nothing because of how I end up feeling.
am I the only one who self aware at a miserable level? I've been going through the same bullshit all over again for 7 years, which, is important to mention, isn't all on my hands or my decision to improve my life in its entirety, and lately it feels like it doesn't matter if I try because I've seen it before. how things haven't changed and I feel so pointless and useless, how every time it "gets better" I get thrown in cold water, and things go back to being terrible, and how many but how many times I've faced disappointment to the point I have no true hope in me anymore, I don't get excited with stuff or promises or suggestions because somehow it ends up being an empty lie, whether it's a small or huge thing in my life, I somehow end up in the same place again. the self awareness and just overall consciousness of my whole situation is really painful, as if my c. illness doesn't make it worse by making me go through a lot of physical pain on a daily basis. my family members say I can always trust them and can always tell them if something hurts or bothers me, but every time I want to trust them they prove themselves wrong by doing something stupid or hurtful towards me, so I've decided I can't really get their help. I'm in so much constant pain and anxiety and paranoia that after a comforting and good while with my s/o i always end up feeling so hurt again, which makes me guilty because im already putting him through so much and it feels unfair to him. I feel guilty for feeling bad because it feels all his concern is worth nothing because of how I end up feeling.
