Venting Self absorbed attention whore

[rizleechboy]

I have no friends except one person online and they're more depressed than me. I think my life is amazing and that I have everything I want. I go to therapy, but I'm mostly bored and usually I'm just saying things I already know. Im so obsessed with the idea that I'm special or a victim or there's something wrong with me but I essentially have no real problems. I have good grades, I am able to function. I just wish there was actually something wrong with me. Ive done a lot of research into autism, personality disorders, OCD. But realistically I'm just a selfish, self absorbed, and unlikeable person. All these problems I have are just imagined things to make myself more interesting. I wish I could get rid of my mind. I can't turn this off. I have always been a self absorbed attention whore. If any of my suicide plans were real I would be dead. I'm not a good person. I'm not a kind or nice or likeable or useful person. There's nothing inside me and all I do is try to find reasons for why I'm like this. But all I am is just a self obsessed narcissist really.

 

[AInilam]

I don't understand. You're not a depraved billionaire out of touch with reality, you're not some scammer or grifter, the true bottom-feeders of society. You were born here and like every living organism on this planet you take up space and resources to survive, it is your birth right. You're not a corrupt politician or some greedy corporate overseer who cares more for profits over people's lives. You are none of the things you've listed.

So what if you want to see yourself as special, care too deeply about how others perceive you (we are social creatures afterall) or sometimes lament over the fact that you may been dealt a bad batch of cards? Life is often cruel and unfair, it isn't a contest. You joined this site for a reason and whatever reason that is, it is valid. All that matters is that you're still alive and breathing. You don't have to play a major role in society, you're not some tool or robot to be used at your own expense, you are one out of eight billion people on this planet just trying to get by. You don't have to be likeable, nice or interesting, as long as you're not hurting anybody--It's okay to just exist.

 

[rizleechboy]

I don't understand. You're not a depraved billionaire out of touch with reality, you're not some scammer or grifter, a leech on society. You were born here and like every living organism on this planet you take up space and resources to survive, it is your right. You're not a corrupt politician or some greedy corporate overseer who cares more for profits over people's lives. You are none of the things you've listed. So what if you want to see yourself as special or recognize that you've been given a bad batch of cards compared to others? Life is often cruel and unfair, it isn't a contest. All that matters is that you're still alive and breathing. You don't have to play a major role in society, you are one out of eight billion people on this planet just trying to get by. You don't have to be likeable, nice or interesting, as long as you're not hurting anybody--It's okay to just exist.

Realistically I am out of touch with reality. I don't think my parents are as wealthy as your examples but they're definitely wealthy. I'm able to get good grades, I'm healthy, and I've never had any serious issues in my life. What bad batch of cards? All my cards are fucking aces. I do not like myself. I don't think I deserve any of it. None of it even feels real, I don't appreciate it, none of it makes me happy. I'm just entitled and pretending to suffer some plight. And well, maybe i wish someone would like me. But it all gets muddy when I resent all my peers for not liking me while being desperate for attention at the same time. It's all pathetic.

 

[AInilam]

Realistically I am out of touch with reality. I don't think my parents are as wealthy as your examples but they're definitely wealthy. I'm able to get good grades, I'm healthy, and I've never had any serious issues in my life. What bad batch of cards? All my cards are fucking aces. I do not like myself. I don't think I deserve any of it. None of it even feels real, I don't appreciate it, none of it makes me happy. I'm just entitled and pretending to suffer some plight. And well, maybe i wish someone would like me. But it all gets muddy when I resent all my peers for not liking me while being desperate for attention at the same time. It's all pathetic.

It sounds like you just might be a bit insecure and/or suffering from imposter syndrome, but I'm no expert. I think to form lasting relationships and connections you have to trust that your peers accept you and vice versa while also not caring so much if they don't. I don't think you're being desperate for attention, everyone wants to feel like they belong, that their presence is missed or desired. I don't think you're pathetic or pretending either, I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal and common too.

Maybe taking some steps to ground yourself might help. I'd try to reach out to people, check in on them and arrange get-togethers. Spending time with people can help ground you. Instead of worrying about how they might perceive you, I'd try distracting yourself from those thoughts by being be more in tuned to the things they say and do. The more you get to know a person, the more you come to appreciate. People naturally gravitate to good listeners who're thoughtful and engaged in conversation. Also it's not narcissistic to be nice or kind either--that's just keeping the peace (as long as you don't let people take advantage of you).

 

[rizleechboy]

It sounds like you just might be a bit insecure and/or suffering from imposter syndrome, but I'm no expert. To form lasting relationships and connections you have to trust that your peers accept you and vice versa while also not caring so much if they don't. I don't think you're being desperate for attention, everyone wants to feel like they belong, that their presence is missed and desired. I don't think you're pretending either, I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal and pretty common too.

Maybe taking some steps to ground yourself might help. I'd try to reach out to people, check in on them and arrange get-togethers. Spending time with people can help ground you. Instead of worrying about how they might perceive you, try to be more in tuned to the things they say and do. The more you get to know about a person, the more you come to appreciate. Everyone can appreciate someone whose thoughtful and engaged in a conversation. Also it's not narcissistic to be nice or kind either--that's just keeping the peace (as long as you don't let people take advantage of you).

I think after being sidelined from get togethers for an entire semester, I can pretty confidently say that none of my peers at uni want to spend time with me outside of classes. And believe me, I'm pretty much incapable of acting like anything other than myself. And I talk to them in class just fine. They just don't like me.

 

[AInilam]

I think after being sidelined from get togethers for an entire semester, I can pretty confidently say that none of my peers at uni want to spend time with me outside of classes. And believe me, I'm pretty much incapable of acting like anything other than myself. And I talk to them in class just fine. They just don't like me.

I'm sorry Riz, but that's their loss. I hope you find people who enjoy your company and accept you for who you are or they find you.
If you feel like there's something you need to change, I also wish you the best of luck in this endeavor.

 

[Abyssal]

I have technical no reason to want to die yet here I am anyways. I'm not sure you've noticed but out of touch billionaires are pretty fucking mentally ill as well. I think suffering is part of existence no matter who you are.

 

[Argo]

I have no friends except one person online and they're more depressed than me. I think my life is amazing and that I have everything I want. I go to therapy, but I'm mostly bored and usually I'm just saying things I already know. Im so obsessed with the idea that I'm special or a victim or there's something wrong with me but I essentially have no real problems. I have good grades, I am able to function. I just wish there was actually something wrong with me. Ive done a lot of research into autism, personality disorders, OCD. But realistically I'm just a selfish, self absorbed, and unlikeable person. All these problems I have are just imagined things to make myself more interesting. I wish I could get rid of my mind. I can't turn this off. I have always been a self absorbed attention whore. If any of my suicide plans were real I would be dead. I'm not a good person. I'm not a kind or nice or likeable or useful person. There's nothing inside me and all I do is try to find reasons for why I'm like this. But all I am is just a self obsessed narcissist really.

Actual narcissists tend not to have a realization like "I'm a self-absorbed narcissist". They also would not give a shit or find this to be a problem, if they could have such a realization. I think you're someone who probably has suffered in some hard to discern ways because you sound young, which means there's no way you could have fully evaluated your life. But you are probably not as bad as you feel you are. Part of being human is unfortunately being self-centered and self-interested, it's what makes relationships so hard. So... what I'm trying to say is, we're sort of all in this boat together, as egos who want human connection but can't really get it because we are the way we are. It's more so the game itself is rigged, than there's a specific problem with you.

 

[rizleechboy]

Actual narcissists tend not to have a realization like "I'm a self-absorbed narcissist". They also would not give a shit or find this to be a problem, if they could have such a realization. I think you're someone who probably has suffered in some hard to discern ways because you sound young, which means there's no way you could have fully evaluated your life. But you are probably not as bad as you feel you are. Part of being human is unfortunately being self-centered and self-interested, it's what makes relationships so hard. So... what I'm trying to say is, we're sort of all in this boat together, as egos who want human connection but can't really get it because we are the way we are. It's more so the game itself is rigged, than there's a specific problem with you.

I never know what to do when people tell me I'm not as terrible as I feel. Because I still feel like I am that evil and there's something wrong with me. It's real to me.

 

[Argo]

I never know what to do when people tell me I'm not as terrible as I feel. Because I still feel like I am that evil and there's something wrong with me. It's real to me.

Yeah I mean that's the problem with giving people an outside perspective that conflicts with what they sense internally. It sometimes feels invalidating. It can even be threatening, people can react violently or angrily to it sometimes, so it can be risky to do. But I'm more of a "tell the truth" kind of person, so I just don't care(maybe to a fault). All I try to do is present the best reasons I can think of to support what I'm saying and let you reflect on them and process them and come up with your own conclusion. Don't take my word for it, but scrutinize it yourself. Read your post and notice how self-aware it is. That is something, and not something that narcissists tend to do. Narcissists don't give a shit about reflection. Just think of the most narcissistic and egocentric politician or celebrity you can imagine-- do you think they lose sleep about their personality flaws? They couldn't self reflect even with a gun to their head.

 

[rizleechboy]

Yeah I mean that's the problem with giving people an outside perspective that conflicts with what they sense internally. It sometimes feels invalidating. It can even be threatening, people can react violently or angrily to it sometimes, so it can be risky to do. But I'm more of a "tell the truth" kind of person, so I just don't care(maybe to a fault). All I try to do is present the best reasons I can think of to support what I'm saying and let you reflect on them and process them and come up with your own conclusion. Don't take my word for it, but scrutinize it yourself. Read your post and notice how self-aware it is. That is something, and not something that narcissists tend to do. Narcissists don't give a shit about reflection. Just think of the most narcissistic and egocentric politician or celebrity you can imagine-- do you think they lose sleep about their personality flaws? They couldn't self reflect even with a gun to their head.

I think my self awareness is just the manifestation of how self obsessed I am. I hate my entire process and my entire thought process is the way I hate myself. Like this is all I think about. I just think about myself and theorize about what could be wrong with me. It's not an attractive or good quality. It's just self obsession.