Venting Seems like my family is just waiting for me to ctb

[SmollMushroom]

As brutal as it sounds, it really do looks like it.

I'm living with my relatives rn, my father has never really cared and now he cares less than ever. He just says I should be old enough to manage things on my own.

My relatives are also done with me, as a recluded NEET with no social connections, they know they can't help me anymore - or rather they don't want to.
Before they didn't act like this, but now they have enough and they started inviting their friends in the house, despite they know of my extreme social anxiety (I absolutely do not know their friends at all) so I'm shut in my room and I have to roam during the night to scavenge whatever food they left or cook some poor meal on my own (I'm not a good cook), because I just can't take part in dinner/lunch with strangers.
I'm hungry af right now and I can smell the fried fish they cooked coming through all to my room. Tell me this isn't torture?

Like I know I have a part of blame in all of this because of my stupid anxiety but holy fuck they don't give a damn.
If you think I'm as the other hikikomoris, those whose moms bring food at their door, then think again. I'm here alone struggling to survive, even tho I don't really want to.
My relatives just don't care.

I know I'm weak, other than sick. Maybe other people would manage things better, even with the same condition. But I also had a difficult past, and I've been grown by being alone all the time, so people scare me even more...

Idk what to do... I'm starting to understand that N is not gonna be around anytime soon so I'm starting to think of another method...
Anyways thank you very much if you readed this far. Sorry for the wall text.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Saying you're "old enough" is just a way of his throwing off any responsibility of the past. If they abused you, I'm sorry.

I'm hungry too because I've been starving myself. Is there any chance you could get yourself a takeaway or something nice without giving a damn what they think? I wish I could send you some chocolate or something you don't deserve to go without food. Food is like the only thing that actually feels nice to me anymore, I'm very anhedonic.

It's not your fault and anxiety isn't your fault. It took me forever to figure that out for myself. Anyway everything you wrote is really relatable.

 

[SmollMushroom]

Saying you're "old enough" is just a way of his throwing off any responsibility of the past. If they abused you, I'm sorry.

I'm hungry too because I've been starving myself. Is there any chance you could get yourself a takeaway or something nice without giving a damn what they think? I wish I could send you some chocolate or something you don't deserve to go without food. Food is like the only thing that actually feels nice to me anymore, I'm very anhedonic.

It's not your fault and anxiety isn't your fault. It took me forever to figure that out for myself. Anyway everything you wrote is really relatable.

Thank you very much, you're very kind.
Unfortunately no, I can't order anything because that would give me away to their friends... I think they are ashamed of me and of how I'm acting, so they either haven't talked about me to them at all, or they told 'em I have a sleeping schedule issue and that I'm awake at night time.
So me ordering food now would create an incredible awkward for everyone...
I guess I'll wait night time and see if there's anything left for me to eat ç.ç

 

[WaitingAllMyLife]

I'm only still here because I'm the only one who will care for my mom. My siblings will for sure relish the end of my existence when I CTB after Mom passes.

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Thank you very much, you're very kind.
Unfortunately no, I can't order anything because that would give me away to their friends... I think they are ashamed of me and of how I'm acting, so they either haven't talked about me to them at all, or they told 'em I have a sleeping schedule issue and that I'm awake at night time.
So me ordering food now would create an incredible awkward for everyone...
I guess I'll wait night time and see if there's anything left for me to eat ç.ç

I'm very sad that simply ordering food is made awkward for you, you're being left hungry and shouldn't be hidden away, should be showed off and proud of instead. Nobody should be ashamed of you, you're not hurting anyone or doing anything wrong. I hope you can get something to eat soon and the hunger goes away. Drinking water helps sometimes.