Storyteller
A story that has been left untold
- Mar 22, 2023
- 51
Sorry for the long post, but I need to finally speak out.
I didn't expect to stumble upon this site so easily, but I'm glad I found it.
For a long time I wanted to ctb, but the ways I wanted to carry this out were unreliable and seemed quite painful. Thanks to this site, I found a lot of interesting information and I'm glad that people are trying to support each other one way or another.
Alas, this is not in my life, or it was not enough. It seemed to me that I was always surrounded by people who didn't care about sufferers like me. Unfortunately, where I live suicide is highly stigmatized, by adults and even by many of my peers. In fact, growing up, I realized that strangers and unfamiliar people don't bother me. However, when it is impossible to turn even to people who should care about you, it is a real pain.
This is my family, which I have long ceased to consider a family. Starting from my childhood and adolescence, they subjected me to verbal and even physical abuse (it's a pity that I realized this much later, because now I'm weak and can't stand against them, I'm just afraid of them). My mother and older brother did not restrain themselves from beating me, I will not say that it was severe, but they were not bothered by my bruises and my tears, while my father turned a blind eye to it, and he himself sometimes threatened me. When I think about it, it looks like the behavior of some psychopaths - this is your loved one and you dare to raise your hand against them? I won't say that I was an angel, no, sometimes I was a bad child, but at this age you don't understand the severity of the consequences, even though I am perfectly aware of everything now. In any case, this has led to the fact that I am not able to stand up for myself, I cannot speak out if I am dissatisfied with something, I try to please everyone because everyone is having it worse than me, or so I was taught to think so. Not to mention my anxiety when performing even simple tasks and prolonged severe depression, and all this is not taken into serious consideration by almost anyone.
I keep hearing, "Well, just do it and then you can do whatever you want." I'm not the kind of person who likes to bend under such oppression - if I don't like something, I physically can't do it, my brain and body refuse to obey. And I understand them perfectly. Those things that I would like to do are thrown into the trash by the same family, and others from my social circle. And it kills me that I can't do anything now because I didn't have the opportunity. Everyone just keeps saying that we need to work, the rest later can be done later or it doesn't matter. No, I want to do what I want and in the background I will have earnings that will help me in realizing these desires. But alas, now without special skills and anxiety that something will go wrong, I can't do either. And no one understands this problem.
Well, there is only one thing left - ctb. However, judging by threads, it will take time to prepare, and I have so little of it. Now I am studying for a master's degree, which I was forced to take, but because of self-sabotage tendencies, I am far behind in the program. I haven't been to classes for almost two weeks, I still have one exam that I didn't pass, for which I promised to do all the tasks that I didn't do before, but as it is clear, I couldn't do them. And now the academic debts are accumulating, it's already a pre-examination week with tests that need to be completed, and I didn't even know about it until family asked about it in today's phone conversation (I live separately in a rented apartment, my parents are in another country, my brother is in the same city with me but in another apartment a few blocks away from me). And I'm scared because I'm lying about my academic life, that everything is going on as usual, but now I'm constantly sitting at home and going out only for groceries. If they find out I'm skipping classes again, I'm screwed. They will start yelling and arguing with me and send me home to my parents, where I will most likely go to a low-paid and unfavorable job, coming home under condemning words that I am ungrateful and how dare I do this.
I'm so sick of it, I've never been a bad person and never wanted to harm anyone, but they still saw me as a villain and an egoist, although the situation is the opposite.
Now I'm writing down different ways of cbt in my notes, I'm thinking about SN, but panic is growing when I think about how to get it. I will try to find where you can buy it in my place without any problems, but tips are welcomed.
Most likely it will take a lot of time, even mentally prepare for it. But again, I have an incredible fear due to lack of time. Let the family find out about it, let them humiliate me, but I want to leave as soon as possible without unnecessary further moral problems. I'm not even worried being restraint in psych ward or being under the watchful eye, but living through it with judgment of others makes it worse. Well, maybe after all that my brain finally will shut down and be free of guilt and anxiety, perhaps I would stop care and will just wait for the right time to cbt. That would be marvelous. Being everyone scapegoat is tiresome and if the price to be free from it either by ending the suffering or erasing my good nature - so be it.
I didn't expect to stumble upon this site so easily, but I'm glad I found it.
For a long time I wanted to ctb, but the ways I wanted to carry this out were unreliable and seemed quite painful. Thanks to this site, I found a lot of interesting information and I'm glad that people are trying to support each other one way or another.
Alas, this is not in my life, or it was not enough. It seemed to me that I was always surrounded by people who didn't care about sufferers like me. Unfortunately, where I live suicide is highly stigmatized, by adults and even by many of my peers. In fact, growing up, I realized that strangers and unfamiliar people don't bother me. However, when it is impossible to turn even to people who should care about you, it is a real pain.
This is my family, which I have long ceased to consider a family. Starting from my childhood and adolescence, they subjected me to verbal and even physical abuse (it's a pity that I realized this much later, because now I'm weak and can't stand against them, I'm just afraid of them). My mother and older brother did not restrain themselves from beating me, I will not say that it was severe, but they were not bothered by my bruises and my tears, while my father turned a blind eye to it, and he himself sometimes threatened me. When I think about it, it looks like the behavior of some psychopaths - this is your loved one and you dare to raise your hand against them? I won't say that I was an angel, no, sometimes I was a bad child, but at this age you don't understand the severity of the consequences, even though I am perfectly aware of everything now. In any case, this has led to the fact that I am not able to stand up for myself, I cannot speak out if I am dissatisfied with something, I try to please everyone because everyone is having it worse than me, or so I was taught to think so. Not to mention my anxiety when performing even simple tasks and prolonged severe depression, and all this is not taken into serious consideration by almost anyone.
I keep hearing, "Well, just do it and then you can do whatever you want." I'm not the kind of person who likes to bend under such oppression - if I don't like something, I physically can't do it, my brain and body refuse to obey. And I understand them perfectly. Those things that I would like to do are thrown into the trash by the same family, and others from my social circle. And it kills me that I can't do anything now because I didn't have the opportunity. Everyone just keeps saying that we need to work, the rest later can be done later or it doesn't matter. No, I want to do what I want and in the background I will have earnings that will help me in realizing these desires. But alas, now without special skills and anxiety that something will go wrong, I can't do either. And no one understands this problem.
Well, there is only one thing left - ctb. However, judging by threads, it will take time to prepare, and I have so little of it. Now I am studying for a master's degree, which I was forced to take, but because of self-sabotage tendencies, I am far behind in the program. I haven't been to classes for almost two weeks, I still have one exam that I didn't pass, for which I promised to do all the tasks that I didn't do before, but as it is clear, I couldn't do them. And now the academic debts are accumulating, it's already a pre-examination week with tests that need to be completed, and I didn't even know about it until family asked about it in today's phone conversation (I live separately in a rented apartment, my parents are in another country, my brother is in the same city with me but in another apartment a few blocks away from me). And I'm scared because I'm lying about my academic life, that everything is going on as usual, but now I'm constantly sitting at home and going out only for groceries. If they find out I'm skipping classes again, I'm screwed. They will start yelling and arguing with me and send me home to my parents, where I will most likely go to a low-paid and unfavorable job, coming home under condemning words that I am ungrateful and how dare I do this.
I'm so sick of it, I've never been a bad person and never wanted to harm anyone, but they still saw me as a villain and an egoist, although the situation is the opposite.
Now I'm writing down different ways of cbt in my notes, I'm thinking about SN, but panic is growing when I think about how to get it. I will try to find where you can buy it in my place without any problems, but tips are welcomed.
Most likely it will take a lot of time, even mentally prepare for it. But again, I have an incredible fear due to lack of time. Let the family find out about it, let them humiliate me, but I want to leave as soon as possible without unnecessary further moral problems. I'm not even worried being restraint in psych ward or being under the watchful eye, but living through it with judgment of others makes it worse. Well, maybe after all that my brain finally will shut down and be free of guilt and anxiety, perhaps I would stop care and will just wait for the right time to cbt. That would be marvelous. Being everyone scapegoat is tiresome and if the price to be free from it either by ending the suffering or erasing my good nature - so be it.
