School depression

[xcaramel]

My parents found the truth about my academic performance in school after I have lied for about a year now and I made the mistake of informing them of my suicidal thoughts as a way to justify why my performance has been horrid. I wish now than ever I had brought my N with me to my trip home for the holidays to visit my parents. Now they will closely watch me. I wish I would've just died this December like I intended to. I procrastinated and now I am paying the price. I am wondering now how do I kill myself without suspicion because I will have to dodge watching eyes now.

I don't want to live anymore. I want to exit as soon as possible, like jumping through an escape hatch. I wish there was an off switch. I am so trapped now, with my exit being far away from my parents home there is even no solace of N.

all my life my parents have discussed the fantasy of going to the Ivy League. there is nothing here. it is isolating and numbing. what a waste. It is all been such a waste of life of effort of everything. They will probably send me to a psychologist.

Even when discussing my suicide my parents only think of themselves. Like how selfish it is of me to even fathom it. Or how could I do it after all the work they did to make sure I could have a better life. I don't feel anything towards it anymore. there is just nothing left for me here.

I wish I would've just died when the N was first shipped to me instead of delaying and delaying it for no reason. What is the time until death for N? I am afraid I may not have the liberty of 24 hours anymore. Maybe I can take it at night so that in the morning it will look as if I am sleeping in. What are your guys thoughts?

 

[ovaltinee99]

I don't know your story, but I'd just like to say that not getting into an Ivy League (or not getting good grades, for that matter) is not the end of the world. Loads of amazing, talented people thrive without those things. Again, I don't know you and your dreams. But consider reframing your definition of happiness and success, as you are far from being a waste. Good luck!

 

[Someone123]

I was in a similar situation and I didn't find the solutions at that time but I learned some things that might help. One idea is that a psychologist might help- some do and some don't, but I wouldn't see a psychiatrist since they prescribe medications that don't help and can cause harm. If your problem is loneliness and not being cared about enough how is a pill supposed to help? Typically they don't. Are there any extended family members or friends you can talk to? If a psychologist is helping then family therapy might help if the therapist is focused on getting your parents to care more. It is not selfish to think of suicide- if a person is in a lot of pain they need relief from the pain. Real caring from people around you is what is needed- people to talk with daily, people who encourage you when something goes wrong. Daily caring is needed for academic performance, especially in college- caring that is there no matter what your grades are.

 

[Wisdom3_1-9]

I just replied to another student who was having difficulty with grades at school and it was causing great anguish. As a former professor and someone who completed their doctorate at one of the world's top universities (apparently it's #16 this year), I can tell you that grades are not that important, nor is getting into an Ivy League school. And one of the most important factors for academic success is your own mental health, so it's important to work on yourself and ensure you're in a good spot.

I agree that a psychologist or some other form of counseling would be really beneficial for you. It doesn't sound like your parents are good people with whom to talk through these issues. It also sounds like there may be issues with your parents that you need to talk through with a counselor.

One other thing... you inadvertently learned a very important lesson about life as a suicidal person. Never share your thoughts or plans with anyone who's not like you. It limits you. The thing keeping me alive most is the bottle of SN I have in my closet, knowing that when I'm ready, I'm in charge of my own exit. It was discovered once by my husband. He flushed it down the toilet. Now he's on the lookout. I have better hiding spots now and I have two bottles just in case.