Venting scared

[burningpile]

i think the best way to put it is scared. i'm terrified. im not sure where to really start about this, and itll be a ramble because my composition days are well over, so ill start there. im so very scared of how the world is progressing and i hate not knowing what's going to happen. im scared im going to run out of money, im going to fail my overseas partner as a successful person for them or i wont be able to make her happy. im scared of disappointing the few people i still consider family and friends. if i fail them i dont see a reason to really keep trying only to keep failing over and over.
theres things i do like. i like having a cat. its nice to have a little furry creature that like me, and he knows how im feeling, he comes in my lap when im down from a long day.
i like having a girlfriend. actually, i love her, desperately, ive never loved anyone more. in my short life. i love knowing how i can make her feel about me and that we seem to be a perfect fit. i like watching spring come through after a cold, biting winter. summer rolling in thrugh hot gales, cottonwood fluffed blue skies, the smell of fresh spruce buds and birch leaflings. i love my foster mother and i cant wait to see her everytime she drives up.
theres things i enjoy so why isnt that enough for me? why does this life seem so utterly unbearable if theres obviously some things to like? why cant the smell of grass be enough, the warmth of the sun or a smile from my love?
the past few months or so, money is hard to keep. i have a lot of debt from a car loan and credit cards. i have a decent job, but its not enough. i live in a dry cabin, where i dont have running water, and i have to rely on the generosity of friends to use their amenities if i dont want to embarass myself at planet fitness for a shower, at the laundromat, at work for the dishes.
i have a complicated relation with suicide. its a cowards way out. its permanent. and im a coward, and the taste of doing one permanent thing in my life, the one thing i can control, becomes more and more attractive to me in a world where i feel like i have so little control.
i dont think ill try it anytime soon but ive been researching outs. ever since ive heard of project 2025, ive become ever the more terrified for my life. not that ill be killed, but ill be made more miserable to live. cant choose my identity, work where i want, to love who i hold dear. no bodily autonomy. as far as trump supporters are concerned i would be better off dead.
i feel so guilty considering it. considering that id rather die than face it, to be proud. but its scary, im so scared of being hurt, of watching the people i love being hurt. i dont want to see it.
i think what i hate most about suicide is that if i want it to be painless and effective, i have to pay the system. one last payment towards the capitalist machine that governs my life. a quick and easy hit. its kinda ironic. its infuriating.
sorry that my first post is mostly incomprehensible. i tend to type things as a train of thought, favoring the stream over coherence. i think i just want to yell because i cant tell this to anyone else. i dont want them to worry. i dont want to be treated like a fragile egg, to tiptoe around. i dont want to be dumped on the side because dealing with a suicidal friend would be too much baggage. i dont know what im looking for here honestly. im just yelling to see what sticks i think. im relieved that this kind of forum exists to just openly talk about ending your life. i wish it was more normalized.

 

[DoubleUp8]

Sounds like you have a pretty good life to me. But I want to correct you about 1 thing. To say ctb is cowardly is so cliche but it's a common cliche that is absolutely not true. I imagine there are countless people on this forum who could tell you they badly want to ctb but struggle to find the courage. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to overcome human SI. I have had the experience many times where I could not muster up enough courage. I would bet most who post here would tell you the same thing. CTB may be and probably is self-centered and narcissistic but it's absolutely not cowardly

 

[burningpile]

Sounds like you have a pretty good life to me. But I want to correct you about 1 thing. To say ctb is cowardly is so cliche but it's a common cliche that is absolutely not true. I imagine there are countless people on this forum who could tell you they badly want to ctb but struggle to find the courage. It takes a tremendous amount of courage to overcome human SI. I have had the experience many times where I could not muster up enough courage. I would bet most who post here would tell you the same thing. CTB may be and probably is self-centered and narcissistic but it's absolutely not cowardly

i personally think it is cowardly. what i see as courage is trying to overcome the body's natural reaction to being killed. i think it takes willpower but courage is something completely different for me. courage feels noble and i dont feel noble wanting to off myself just because im scared and tired. i feel like a shithead for having it ""pretty good"" and still wanting to die because it seems easier than the constant psychological torture im feeling every single fucking day.
i cant speak for other people; this perspective is entirely cast on me and not others because i dont know their situation.
like you. you dont know what ive been through. to say i have a good life is pretty presumptuous. i recognize i have more than i probably deserve, but im also struggling, mentally and physically and socially, from trauma that ive yet to properly process and resolve. you dont help me feel better by saying i have it pretty good. it doesnt feel pretty good. it feels like a leaking wound that wont close and someones digging at it with a salty wood file.

 

[rakmo]

i think the best way to put it is scared. i'm terrified. im not sure where to really start about this, and itll be a ramble because my composition days are well over, so ill start there. im so very scared of how the world is progressing and i hate not knowing what's going to happen. im scared im going to run out of money, im going to fail my overseas partner as a successful person for them or i wont be able to make her happy. im scared of disappointing the few people i still consider family and friends. if i fail them i dont see a reason to really keep trying only to keep failing over and over.
theres things i do like. i like having a cat. its nice to have a little furry creature that like me, and he knows how im feeling, he comes in my lap when im down from a long day.
i like having a girlfriend. actually, i love her, desperately, ive never loved anyone more. in my short life. i love knowing how i can make her feel about me and that we seem to be a perfect fit. i like watching spring come through after a cold, biting winter. summer rolling in thrugh hot gales, cottonwood fluffed blue skies, the smell of fresh spruce buds and birch leaflings. i love my foster mother and i cant wait to see her everytime she drives up.
theres things i enjoy so why isnt that enough for me? why does this life seem so utterly unbearable if theres obviously some things to like? why cant the smell of grass be enough, the warmth of the sun or a smile from my love?
the past few months or so, money is hard to keep. i have a lot of debt from a car loan and credit cards. i have a decent job, but its not enough. i live in a dry cabin, where i dont have running water, and i have to rely on the generosity of friends to use their amenities if i dont want to embarass myself at planet fitness for a shower, at the laundromat, at work for the dishes.
i have a complicated relation with suicide. its a cowards way out. its permanent. and im a coward, and the taste of doing one permanent thing in my life, the one thing i can control, becomes more and more attractive to me in a world where i feel like i have so little control.
i dont think ill try it anytime soon but ive been researching outs. ever since ive heard of project 2025, ive become ever the more terrified for my life. not that ill be killed, but ill be made more miserable to live. cant choose my identity, work where i want, to love who i hold dear. no bodily autonomy. as far as trump supporters are concerned i would be better off dead.
i feel so guilty considering it. considering that id rather die than face it, to be proud. but its scary, im so scared of being hurt, of watching the people i love being hurt. i dont want to see it.
i think what i hate most about suicide is that if i want it to be painless and effective, i have to pay the system. one last payment towards the capitalist machine that governs my life. a quick and easy hit. its kinda ironic. its infuriating.
sorry that my first post is mostly incomprehensible. i tend to type things as a train of thought, favoring the stream over coherence. i think i just want to yell because i cant tell this to anyone else. i dont want them to worry. i dont want to be treated like a fragile egg, to tiptoe around. i dont want to be dumped on the side because dealing with a suicidal friend would be too much baggage. i dont know what im looking for here honestly. im just yelling to see what sticks i think. im relieved that this kind of forum exists to just openly talk about ending your life. i wish it was more normalized.

Hey, i felt you a lot.
There's a lot of post here and yours reach me bc I felt mirrored. I have a lot fear about the future, about the capitalism machine twisting FUCKING EVERYTHING to sell or buy something, till the last tear, it all seems to get harder and harder, it's horrible, I don't know what to tell you, but maybe a book I just finish might serve you, it's only 94 pages, and pretty easy going, it really helped me, someway, didn't make wanna live more actually made me consider suicide even more but, kinda calm me
It's called "agonie des eros" by Byung-Chun Han, you can find a pdf on libgen or other online library, love your girlfriend, love your mom

 

[itsneverbeenmoreove]

i have a complicated relation with suicide. its a cowards way out. its permanent. and im a coward, and the taste of doing one permanent thing in my life, the one thing i can control, becomes more and more attractive to me in a world where i feel like i have so little control.

I relate to this really hard. I've done so little. I have nothing to my name that I've done. So having something I could choose to do and leave a real impact on at least a few people is enticing. Similarly, I am a coward. I freely admit it. Now, is suicide cowardly? I don't think so. But even if it was, I don't think there's anything wrong with being a coward. Why should you have to be brave and courageous? Nah, fuck that. Be how you want to be. And if that's a coward, then so be it.