Scared

[cherry7]

For the last nine months I've been in forced mental health treatment programs all because I made plans to CTB and made preparations and that landed me in the hospital. I subsequently lost my home because I wasn't able to work and then had to go to all these programs. I still want to CTB but now I'm scared that will happen to me all over again so I now have a new obstacle stopping me from doing it. Damn society that thinks it has a right to control our choice to live or not.

 

[locked*n*loaded]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of that. I can't imagine what it all must have been, and continues to be for you, to go through all of this. I can understand your fear of not wanting to end back up in forced treatment. I agree it should not be that society has any control over this most basic autonomy of our own existence. If we're not the boss of us, who is? Who should be? Who better to know our needs that ourselves? We live in a messed up world. I hope things work out for you in the manner that you see fit.

 

[cherry7]

I'm so sorry you've had to go through all of that. I can't imagine what it all must have been, and continues to be for you, to go through all of this. I can understand your fear of not wanting to end back up in forced treatment. I agree it should not be that society has any control over this most basic autonomy of our own existence. If we're not the boss of us, who is? Who should be? Who better to know our needs that ourselves? We live in a messed up world. I hope things work out for you in the manner that you see fit.

Thank you so much for your thoughtful response!

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really dreadful what you've been through, to me it's extreme cruelty how people are forced to suffer in this existence, I find it so incredibly hellish how suicide isn't accepted as a valid option with no acceptance towards the right to die. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Kapsyl]

The hardest thing is to keep quit and don't show anyone your real intentions and pretend it's not that bad. The mind is just screaming to tell someone, relief of the heavy thoughts in our heads, but you can't.

That's the real struggle, going hours at end every day that you need to end this life, but can't tell anyone, it's mental torture.

If you tell anyone close they will have to live with the knowledge that they could stop you and may report it to authorities. If you tell any doctor or therapist your real intentions they may lock you up again.

I have lied many times to doctors downplaying the severity of my thoughts, as long you don't have any plans they don't take you seriously. If they only knew that I already prepared my letters and will and spend almost 700€ to CTB peacefully.

If I would tell anyone my exit may disappear and I have to relay of more primitive methods as hanging.

They will stop you mostly for their own sake and I don't blame them, the thought of being able to stop someone from dying is hard on people who never experienced near death or existential questioning.

The pain of carrying these heavy thoughts are our own to bear, with the rare exception of this site to vent.