Its impossible to know what we will be met with after death, will it be something worse than what we already have to suffer with in this life or eternal sleep? We will never know. It is up to you to decide what will be after death and if you can accept it or not, you must accept it if you yearn to ctb so much to become immune to the agonizing experiences you suffer from.
I understand this situation that you're in. I have been in this situation countless times which actually made me doubt ctb each time I thought about this. It was up to me to continue doing what I planned to do or to change my mind about advancing my plans to avoid having to experience whatever negativity I imagined would be after death. So, I am sorry you're in this situation which is quite hard to escape from. Hopefully you can make up your mind and I understand the fear of never seeing them again, I don't know what advice I can give.
I hope you can figure something out, best wishes.